October 28, 2004 by s.z.

How to Ruin Halloween for Your Kids (Or the Children of Others) Courtesy of Focus on the Family. The Pumpkin Gospel [...] Set newspapers on a table and get out the knife, spoon and bowl. Cut an opening in the top of the pumpkin. Have your kids pull out all of the seeds and scrape out the inside of the pumpkin. What to talk about: How is the stuff we pulled out of the pumpkin like sin in our heart? (They’re both yucky; sin is inside us; it’s sticky and smelly.) How is the way we cleaned out the pumpkin like the way Jesus cleans us out when we confess our sins? (All the yucky stuff is taken away; Jesus scoops out the sin.) Then, tell the kids that the yucky insides of the pumpkin are its seeds, which are used to make baby pumpkins.  So, kids, just like the reproductive parts of the pumpkin are smelly, gross, and icky, so are YOUR reproductive parts.  Therefore, be deeply ashamed of them, and never, ever use them except after your're married, and only then to make baby pumpkins. What to do: Draw a happy face on the pumpkin, then use the sharp knife to carve it out. When you are finished, read aloud 2 Corinthians 5:17 and/or Ephesians 2:10. What to talk about: How have we made this pumpkin a “new creation”? (It has a face now; it used to be just a pumpkin, but now it’s a jack-o’-lantern.) How do we become a new creation when Jesus comes into our hearts? (We learn to love Him more; we’re no longer filled with yucky stuff; we become God’s children.) Remind the kids that God hated that plain, old pumpkin.  It was only after it went under the knife, making it attractive and smiley, that it was it acceptable to Him.  So, kids, that's why you need plastic surgery -- so you will conform to an arbitrary standard of beauty, and thus become acceptable to God.  Also, remember that you need to smile all the time, even if you don't feel like, or else people will think you have yucky stuff inside you -- stuff like guts and seeds.  What to share: When Jesus comes into our hearts, we become new creations, just as our pumpkin became a new creation. Read Matthew 5:14-16. Then light a candle and place it in the pumpkin. Turn off the room lights so everyone can see the candlelight coming through the pumpkin’s face. What to talk about: How is the way the candlelight comes through the pumpkin like the way God wants our light to shine? (God wants others to see how much we love Him; God wants our light to be seen by others.) Have the kids stick a finger into the candle's flame.  It hurts, doesn't it, kids?  Ask the kids how they think it feels to the pumpkin to have a candle burning inside it.  Does God really want people to torture vegetables?  Is it okay to put lit candles inside of other life forms?  How about inside of other people?  Maybe just evil ones, right, kids? Also, tell the kiddies that God loves fire, and wants them to play with matches every chance they get.  Start some fires for Jesus, so that he can see your light shine, kids! 5:43:01 AM

Who Said It? A new feature where you only have to name one wingnut.  So, who said the following: The Kerry campaign is hemorrhaging black voters like teenaged girls fleeing an R. Kelly house party. 5:12:07 AM

The Flying Dutchman Sails Again In honor of Julia's hit new song, "Brigadoon As Written by Robert Bork" (which was inspired by a remark by FlipYrWhig -- see the comments on yesterday's post for details), The National Review is sponsoring another cruise.  (Sure, they claim it's to celebrate their 50th anniversary, but who'd want to celebrate fifty years of National Review?) Kids, how much would YOU pay not to be on a boat with these people? Plus, the ususal gang of National Review idiots; Lawrence Kudlow, TV economist; and "Paul Johnson, author." For fun, we googled the British author, and found a NewsMax interview which included the following quips: “Mrs. Thatcher was remarkably feminine despite all this talk of her being the Iron Lady. She loves handsome men. Reagan was just her type. She also loved Reagan’s one-liners.”  "Bush Junior is far more intelligent than his image or the press suggest. And he is 100 per cent trustworthy. He is also a much stronger man than Bush senior." “President Bush has far more in common with Thatcher than his father. It is nonsense to say Bush is in the pocket of the neo-conservatives. I know the so-called neo-cons and it is all a myth. They can’t agree on anything, let alone organize themselves for a predetermined program. He’s got the steel and backbone of his mother, Barbara Bush, and not his weak and feeble father.”  Johnson clearly has little time for the Democrats. Perhaps it is the unattractive personalities involved . He doesn’t rate Kerry or his chances of winning the presidency. “He has a one in a million chance of success,” he says.  The Clintons are not fully backing Kerry, he adds. After all, they want a Hillary 2008 campaign. “Let’s not forget: The Clintons’ marriage is a dynastic marriage of ambitious swine.” So, it should be a fun cruise.  Since they're sailing to England and Ireland, I guess the possibility that the ship hits an iceberg is minimal.  But they could go through the Twlight Zone and meet a German U-boat, I suppose. Oh, and apparently there are still cabins available for the big 2004 Post-Election Cruise!  Imagine how nice it will be to be trapped on a ship with THESE people after Bush loses next month: Since Michelle's new book about the practical and moral rightness of interning Japanese citizens wasn't exactly acclaimed, I guess the NR public relations people felt it was better not to even mention it.  Or maybe they just included a blurb about the last book (and also included Michelle herself) to scare away any Bahamians who might plan to stowaway on board and then sneak into America. Anyway, if you're a cranky old person and you want to play a trick on somebody you don't much care for, buy them passage on this ship of the damned.  It's what Satan would do! 4:58:09 AM

Answers for "Name That Townhall Wingnut!" 1.  "Jews Are Damned Ingrates" -- Dennis Prager.  2.  "The Illegal Alien Voters are Out to Kill You" -- Michelle Malkin.   (I was gratified to see that so many of you recongized that if somebody is blathering about illegal aliens and 9/11, it's probably Michelle.) 3.  "Why Won't the NY Times Print My Essays?" -- Jonah Goldberg.  (Yeah, without a "Simpsons" ref, it didn't seem like Jonah.) 4.  "The Greatest President EVER!!!!" -- Little Bennie Shapiro.  5.  "George Bush: God's New Only Begotten Son" -- Mystery Third-Tier Wingnut Debbie Daniel.  (She seems right at home in this company, doesn't she?) 6.  "Using Firearms to Keep Restrooms Safe from Gays" -- Dr. Professor Mike Adams, Ph.D. 7.  "Candidate Running on Honesty Caught Not Talking to Bulgaria" -- Joel Mowbray. 8.  "That Darned Liberal Media!" -- Brent Bozell. 9.  "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Vote for George Bush" -- David Limbaugh, Professional Brother. So, it looks like Seb from Sadly, No! is our winner.  Congrats, Seb!  I guess that birthday taught you a lot about wingnuts.  You can pick up your prize, your choice of any of the above wingnuts, at our studio. UPDATE:  Maybe the winner was actually Socratic Silence (see, Bozell DID write #8, but he also wrote another column this week about how the sponsors of "Desperate Housewives" are trying to make YOU have bratty kids and affairs).   So, if we count that as a right answer (which Alex Trebeck says we should), then SS seems to have gotten, oh, 5 or 6 right  (don't ask us -- we can't count that high).  So, we have a free wingnut for both Seb and SS.  NEW, IMPROVED UPDATE:  Okay, I finally read my mail, and found that reader Michelle (who is not Michelle Malkin, as far as I can tell) got all nine of them right.  So, she wins TWO wingnuts for her very own.  She can hug them and squeeze them and call them "George" -- or whatever she wants to do with them. 12:27:23 AM