October 29, 2004 by s.z.

In Other News . . . The Rittenhouse Review asks a good question: with all the right-wing whining about how "foreigny" and "eccentric" Teresa Heinz Kerry is, how come nobody is talking about how "all-American average" Elizabeth Edwards is? Well, I did see one piece that mentioned that women admire "pretty boy" Edwards for sticking with his wife even though she gained weight, but the author somehow made it seem like he did it only for the political points it bought him.  Other than that, everybody on the right seems to pretend she doesn't exist -- probably because she seems so nice and normal.  In any case, if I had to pick someone to hang out with for a day, I'd pick Elizabeth over Laura Bush any day.  Elizabeth seems REAL, while Laura seems like she went away several years ago and hasn't came back.  And Lynne Cheney is NOT a nice woman, as we all know. Oh, and speaking of Philadelphia bloggers, Mildred has decided to join the fun: Bulldogs for Kerry-Edwards.  She is definitely the best bulldog political blogger I've run across! And, in the interest of equal time, here's a message from a cat: Thanks to Anntichrist S. Coulter for passing this along -- I (and she) don't know who to credit for it, but thanks, nameless kitten, for sharing your message with the voters.  6:00:18 AM

Hey, It's Better Than Getting a Toothbrush Okay, I thought that today we could look at some of the new tracts you can give out to trick or treaters instead of candy.  They should be very useful in your quest to ruin Halloween. First, here's one that a kid might actually be happy to find in his bag of loot ... at FIRST! Yes, it's a Finding Nemo tract!  You might imagine that it retells the story of the movie, maybe includes some photos and some games.  Well, not exactly.  It does kind of retell the story, but it also gives you the moral that perhaps you missed when you saw the film. Finding Your Way Home  THE STORY... Nemo is a little clown fish. He lives in the Great Barrier Reef with his dad, Marlin, who loves him very much. He watches over Nemo and protects him from every evil. But one day Nemo disobeyed his father and swam beyond the reef. He was suddenly scooped up by a diver and ended up in a fish tank in a dentist’s office. His situation seemed hopeless. [...] The dentist’s mean niece Darla was set to pick up Nemo as a pet. Darla was known for abusing her pet fish until they went “belly-up.” With a strong desire to return to his father, Nemo took an amazing step of faith. He jumped out of the fish tank and down a water drain that led to the ocean. His father’s love drew Nemo in the right direction. Nemo was home again  FINDING NEMO CAN HELP US UNDERSTAND GOD God loves you, just as Marlin loved Nemo. In Finding Nemo we learned of Marlin’s great love for little Nemo. In the same way, God loves you and wants you to be with him. But there is a problem. Nemo’s sin separated him from his father. Just like Nemo, we “all have sinned” (Romans 3:23). This means, “There is a problem—your sins have cut you off from God” (Isaiah 59:2). Yes, little Nemo is a sinner, and that's why he was going to be given to Darla, the fish killer.  And if YOU have ever disobeyed your parents, you're a sinner too, and may be kidnapped by divers and put in an aquarium far from your home and family.  And if you are, it's all your own fault. “Finding Nemo” reminds us of the importance of the moment. If Nemo had not taken his step of faith when he did, it would have been too late. The Bible tells us that without Jesus in your life, you are in danger of destruction, just as Nemo was. Yes, you might be given to some mean person too.  You'd better get saved quick, kid!  Hurry, jump down the toilet! This tract expresses solely the editorial views of ATS and is not associated in any way with the film’s creators. Somehow, I guessed that.  I just hope that ATS paid for the use of the image from the film.   And here's another tract designed to appeal to kids ... until they actually read it.   Harry Potter's World   Harry Potter's life is pretty hard. [...]   And then the magic starts. On his 11th birthday, Harry gets a letter explaining that he has special powers he doesn't know about. He is invited to study at Hogwarts School where, instead of being a "nobody," he is very respected. He meets lots of new friends who become like a real family to him. And he has magical adventures that he never dreamed of. Sounds great, huh?   Well, it's not quite that simple. You see, Harry and all the friends in his imaginary world are witches and wizards. They try to do good things and defeat evil, but in reality, there is no such thing as a good witch or wizard. People who use witchcraft in the real world are not getting their power from God. The Bible tells us that any power that doesn't come from God is evil. So really, Harry and his friends are working for Satan.  Yup, all going to hell.  You can watch him burning in agony while you're in heaven -- assuming you jump down that toilet and get saved, kid. We must remember this and never disobey God by experimenting with witchcraft and magic. Besides, Harry Potter's imaginary world may be exciting, but there is a real-life adventure that's even more wonderful. It's an adventure that God designed, and it's waiting for you! It's called HeavenLand: the Funnest Place Not On Earth! Looking for a Better Life? Maybe you don't have a real family. Even if you have a terrific family, you may still feel lonely at times. You might feel like a "nobody"...like no one notices you and no one cares. Guess what? God understands all the things that make us feel empty and abandoned. GOD won't make you live in a closet, and live on scraps, and do all the work while other people live lives of luxury and ease.   Okay, he might.  But it's nothing personal, like it was for Harry.  Besides, Harry is going to hell, so you already have it a lot better than him.     So, stock up on these tracts and delight the kids in your neighborhood who were expecting snack sizes of Skittles and Snickers. 5:13:32 AM

A Holiday Classic, Like "It's the Great Pumpkin, Georgie Bush" In response to requests that I provide some content about how one should stone the young heathens who come to your house begging for candy on Satan's day, here is a rerun from last year.  (I don't know if the links still work, but it's likely that they do, per Scott McClellan.)   So, read this while I go looking for some current stories about how to ruin Halloween.  ********** Halloween:  What Would Jesus Do? Halloween: a night of innocent fun for children, or a Satanic Celebration of Demons, Ritual Sex, and Snickers treat-sized bars?  To find out, I went to CBN's Halloween page.  (As you know, the Christian Broadcasting Network is the home of Pat Robertson and "The 700 Club," which represents the collective IQs of its members.)  There I learned that Halloween is indeed evil and unholy and evil.  Since the holiday and many of its traditions originated with the pagans (and pagans = Satanists), everybody agrees that Christians shouldn't dress up like vampires, Sponge Bob, or George Bush and go trick-or-treating.  However, there is a difference of opinion about whether you should take the family to the basement and spend the evening praying that the demons don't get you; take the kids to the church and let them dress up like John Calvin; or use the holiday to try to save the souls of the sinners' kids.  Here are some of the varied viewpoints: In Avenging Monsters: The Origins of Horror Fiction Charles Colson reports on a book by one E. Michael Jones, who says that horror movies reflect sexual decadence, and so presumably you shouldn't let your children watch "Casper the Friendly Ghost." Per Jones, Percy Shelley was a libertine who made his second wife Mary sleep with his friends.  She got tired of it, but she couldn't relieve her conscience "because she didn’t understand repentance."  So, she wrote Frankenstein.  Dr. Frankenstein represents Percy, who wanted to create an "enlightenment sexual ethic," but his creation turns out to be a monster that hangs out with the wolfman and terrorizes Abbott and Costello, thus showing that violating traditional sexual mores causes angry, torch-carrying villagers to burn down your castle.  And thus was the horror film born, a hundred years later. And Dracula is really the story of syphilis -- which, as we all know, renders those who suffer from it unable to cast a reflection in a mirror, but which can be prevented by wearing a crucifix. But even more horrifying: A century later, another vengeful monster emerged in the wake of the modern sexual revolution: that is, the creature in the 1979 film Alien. The man chosen to create the monster, H. R. Giger, claims he never procured an abortion for his mistress. And yet, Jones notes, "his art is full of images of abortion and dead babies." In any event, Jones writes, Giger’s thwarting of child-bearing, through either contraception or abortion, "is so morally significant that it embeds itself onto his consciousness." And Giger’s conscience sought relief by creating a fetus-monster for Alien. At the film’s end, a female astronaut kills the monster in a manner that strikingly resembles a suction abortion. The warning of these films is that "sex disconnected from the moral order is horrifying," Jones writes. This Halloween, when your kids want to rent a horror film, don’t let them. Instead, sit down with them—and with the neighbor’s kids, as well—and explain where horror films really come from and why they are perverse. It’s a great way to expose the cultural lies that are at the root of our society’s celebration of horror. Yeah, tell them all about wife swapping, syphilis, and suction abortions -- that will tramautize them WAY more than even Texas Chain Saw Massacres would.  Your neighbors will thank you for enlightening their children this way. Another guest columnist, John Fischer, agrees that Halloween is evil, and sees why many Christians boycott it:  There is the glorification of the macabre and the personification of evil—all hard things to imagine a Christian partaking in. But most of all, there is a sense that Halloween is Satan’s day, and Christians rightfully want no part in that celebration. Christians know that there is a real devil who commands real demons, and nothing involving his activity in the world is to be toyed with.  But instead of telling the "three-year old who comes to your door in a fireman suit" that Satan is real and the kid is now in his power, Fischer recommends just giving him some candy, to show that you're part of the community.  Which sounds reasonable.  And which is why several other people had to ammend the idea by advocating giving the kids Christian tracts instead of sweets (some say to give them both, knowing that just giving tracts is a sure way to get your house egged).  And there are links to Gospel Shop, which supplies bulk lots of pamplets, to include the following:  Masks Wearing a mask to make yourself look like someone else can be a lot fun. Especially because no one knows who you are when you wear it. Not even your friends! But did you know that no matter how good your mask is, there is always one person who DOES know who you are? That person is God! And so on, so you'd better repent now!  And here's one the kiddies are sure to enjoy much more than a bag of Skittles: Costumes Are Cool Dressing up in costumes, going to fall festivals or ringing neighborhood doorbells is a lot of fun. It is very cool when people are excited to see you and play awesome games with you or give you candy. You have probably never stopped to think about it, but do you know that heaven is even cooler than this? "I got a Reese's Peanutbutter Cup.  What did YOU get, Charlie Brown?" "I got a tract about heaven."  Yup, all kinds of holiday fun.  And if you don't like those messages, go to Joshua Outreach Group  for "Halloween Outreach" cards to hand out to the kiddies ("Handing out the cards is half the battle. Now comes the other half. Believe that God has heard our prayers for the lost souls.").  My favorites were one which "challenges evolution" and another one which has "a powerful testimony of a woman deeply involved in witchcraft and the occult."  But what if you want to avoid the whole Halloween thing altogether?  Brad Winsted has some super fun ideas (Reformation Day - Redeeming October 31) which I'm sure that Rod and Todd Flanders will love even more than staying home and playing the Good Samaratin board game ("I get to clothe the leper." "Lucky!): Even a cursory look at the origins of Halloween will reveal satanic rituals played out in trick and treating, jack-o-lanterns, witches, ghosts, the dead and on and on. If you've ever taken time to research any of these Halloween practices you'll see the satanic background from the Celtic tribes of Scotland and Ireland. So, should we retreat into the basements and attics of our homes, turn out the lights and hope that our ghoulishly dressed neighborhood children will pass us by? Well, how about a Reformation Day party at your church? I know that many churches have a "Harvest Day Celebration" or other such event where kids get dressed up as Bible characters and the fellowship hall is full of games to keep the kids off the streets. But I'm suggesting going a step further. Let's make it a day where we can learn more about our Reformation roots. October 31 celebrates the day that the Reformation in Europe began with Martin Luther posting his 95 theses on the Wittenburg church door, leading to a firestorm response in Germany. Why not use this occasion for a celebration of our Reformed heritage. And yes, this can be fun for the kids too! Why not have a celebration at church where all get dressed up as characters from the Reformation (I've dressed up as John Calvin, Martin Luther, a peasant, and even John Tetzel (the salesman of those infamous indulgences)? When I couldn't get a 16th century idea then I dressed as a Bible character. You can transform the fellowship hall into Wittenburg, Germany or Geneva. Here is an opportunity to go over the great "solas" of the Reformation: by Scripture alone, by grace alone, by Christ alone, by faith alone, and to God be the glory alone. Have people explain them. Show a video of one of the reformers. Draw murals of Reformation events. I can hardly wait! But here are some comments from CBN viewers, who have varied reactions to the article about reaching out to the sinners ( Reaching Out vs Steering Clear of the Lost at Halloween): Tony: Our church does car trunk groups: Each car trunk group is dressed in Bible-times apparel, tells a specific Bible story, and hands out candy treats and an object to remind them of the story (praying hands key chain after Daniel in lion's den, animal tat afterward, one skit does include puppets and a boy receiving Christ as savior). Free hotdog supper for community as well. Yes, Jesus did go AMONG the sinners. Lauredan: NO! Don't hide. But as Jesus sought people to heal, we can share our faith in a godly manner. I would not go to a Gay Convention, sit in their lectures, or march with them with the idea I am appearing to be a witness to Jesus Christ. Jeanster:  Manners? Would Christ go trick-or-treating? I don’t think so. I think that if He saw Christians trick-or-treating for whatever reason, He would do like He did in the Temple; He’d probably beat them in anger for doing what’s wrong in place of what’s right. David: [You] look at this day as if you know nothing of its history. We dress our youngest and most vulnerable offspring in wild and often scary costumes so that they can go door to door and threaten "trick-or-treat" as a way to amass as much excessive sugar and chocolate as will fit into their loot bags so we can all -- as a society -- "have fun"?! And does dressing up as Bible characters somehow change all that? Fourthly, your article would seek to define fundamentalist Christians by what we do NOT do. BIG MISTAKE! We also do not drink blood, sacrifice animals, or dance naked and fornicate in the moonlight -- all "traditionally" part of Halloween. But he makes a traditional Halloween sound so fun!  In conclusion, I recommend that you do as the CBN says, and read through the various ideas presented, and then "prayerfully decide what is the correct response for your family." And if it's naked dancing, give me a call, okay? 2:00:38 AM

Who Said It? First, the answer to yesterday's "Who Said It" Yes, it was Ann "Hemorrhaging Brain Cells Like Rats Leaving a Sinking Ship" Coulter, in her lastest column, "40 excuses and a mule."  But clearly, she has been studying the work of Doug Giles.  In fact, if Doug is telling the truth about her being on his Clash Radio program a while ago, she might very well have stolen some of his Clash Points while she was there.  Maybe she's even pregnant with his child!!!  Okay, that's even so far out that even Scott McClellan would say it's not likely. So, who said THIS: This brutal ordeal is now officially over, and I will never speak of it again. Hint: it's the same person who, a few days ago said: I have been repeatedly threatened with lawsuits and bodily harm over the past few years, and I have never caved in. Okay, that wasn't too hard.  So, for extra credit, who said this: As I was returning "Van Helsing" to the video store, I heard a radio host discuss the possibility of Nancy Pelosi as "Speaker of the House" (gasp). Compound that with the ghastly idea of Hillary Clinton appointed to the Supreme Court by (gag) President Kerry. I shuddered at the thought of such a blood-sucking government and realized these images were not far from the vampires I just saw on "Van Helsing." Memories of the screeching vampires, cackling and laughing in the most grotesque bodies I'd ever seen...in control of the White House and our nation, literally drinking the blood of aborted babies they so passionately fight to slaughter.  Hint: her initials are "JS," although the spelling of the name may change from time to time.  1:35:16 AM