October 27. 2004 by s.z.

Name That Wingnut: Townhall Edition!

The game show where you can win big prizes* by identifying second-tier conservative pundits, based on a sample of their latest column. 

Our defending champ, Bill S., is a man who probably has a job of some sort, and various interests. 

His challengers are some people much like yourself. 

So, let's get started with NAME THAT WINGNUT!

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First, here are the wingnuts to match with the quotes which will follow.  Of course, you could just click the link and read the various columns to learn who said what, but (a) that would be cheating; and (b) do you REALLY want to read these columns in their entirety?

Ben Shapiro, Brent Bozell,  Mike Adams, Dennis Prager,  David Limbaugh, Jonah Goldberg, Joel Mowbray, Michelle Malkin, and Mystery Third-Tier Wingnut.

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Now, here are the title of the column, a fair and balanced recap of what the column was about, plus a snippet of the column itself.  Good luck, contestants!

1.  "How Jews should vote?"

Jews should vote for George Bush, because he supports Jewish values, such as not being John Kerry.  After all, John Kerry probably likes Europe better than he likes Israel.  And if Muslim Americans are voting for Kerry, that tells you all you need to know right there, right?  And anyway, George Bush has been damned good to you Jews, and there is no trait as ugly as ingratitude.

George W. Bush marches to the beat of the drummer who asks, "What is right?" and not to the beat of the many drummers who ask, "What is popular?"

[...]

That is why Al Gore's mentor, Martin Peretz, editor in chief of The New Republic, which in its 80-year history has never endorsed a Republican for president, just wrote an opinion piece warning those who care about Israel about John Kerry. And that is why every American Arab and Muslim group that is anti-Israel is supporting John Kerry.

I have just returned from a week of speaking to Jews in the battleground states of Florida, Pennsylvania and Ohio. I believe that more Jews than expected will vote for President Bush. I certainly hope so -- for the above reasons and because there is no trait as ugly as ingratitude.

2. "The illegal alien swing vote"
Illegal aliens, including illegal aliens who could could possibly be involved in terrorism, might vote this November.  And if ten thousand or so of them walked over from Syria and registered to vote in Ohio, they could influence the election!!!

Yes, but if we all value the sanctity of the voting process so highly, why is it that I've never once been asked to produce identification of any kind in the 16 years I've been a voter, from Ohio to California to Washington state to Maryland? 

And since this pundit could very well be an illegal alien for all those election officials knew (being non-caucasion as she is), this is very damning evidence.

You've heard about those satirical "10 out of 10 terrorists agree: Anybody But Bush" bumper stickers? There may be more truth to them than you think. John Fund, author of "Stealing Elections: How Voter Fraud Threatens Our Democracy," reports that at least eight of the 19 Sept. 11 hijackers were eligible to vote in Virginia or Florida while they plotted to kill Americans. 

Of course, they DIDN'T vote, and had other plans for making their views known in lieu of participating in the American democratic process, but if they HAD voted, their eight votes could have won the victory for Bush.

Political correctness cost us 3,000 lives on Sept. 11. It may cost us an election on Nov. 2. 

Political correctness is responsible for 9/11, in that if we had been non-politically correct and just executed all foreigners on 8/11, it never would have happened.

Oh, and by "us," presumably this pundit means "we Americans" -- and she is implying that the illegal aliens will all write in votes for Tony Blair, who is technically not an American, and so we Americans will lose the election.

3.  "Untrustworthy times"

It was technically okay for the NY Times to cover that story about the missing explosives in Iraq -- except that it proves that the media supports Kerry, because they never print any stories about the tons of high explosives that disappeared on Kerry's watch!  Therefore, the Times is just as biased as Sinclair Media, and any fair and balanced person will agree that this is the case.

Now, the explosives story is entirely legitimate, and I don't begrudge the Times covering it. But rushing it out days before an election puts a special burden on them. It's definitely troubling and unfortunate that roughly 380 tons of particularly dangerous high explosives are missing. But, according to the Duelfer report, 10,000 sites have been reviewed and cleared of weapons since the war. Roughly 240,000 tons of explosives have been destroyed and 160,000 tons have been stockpiled and marked for destruction. The context matters. 

See, when you put it in context, it's not really a big deal that 380 tons are missing!

But the story wasn't intended to shed light so much as to apply heat - to George W. Bush.

But by all means, let's gnash our teeth and pull our hair in outrage over Sinclair Media's attempt to influence the election with "distortions." 

During the two weeks prior to a presidential election, the media should be prohibited from reporting any bad news about Iraq, the economy, lost jobs, lost puppies, or celebrities couples who have broken up -- because they only do it to pick on poor George Bush.
 

4.  "The greatest president of the 21st century"

This pundit reports what America will be like in 50 years if George Bush loses the election in November.  It's a troubling dystopia where radiation has made everybody really stupid and annoying -- and  even so, nobody, not even the mutant insect girls who evolved from Ann Coulter, will sleep with this pundit.

George W. Bush was the finest president of the 21st century. 

And you thought the future portrayed in "The Postman" was scary!

President Bush realized that dismantling the Taliban was only the beginning of a worldwide fight. The debate turned to Iraq, where mass murderer Saddam Hussein was connecting with global terrorism and actively seeking weapons of mass destruction. Bush told Hussein to provide proof of complete WMD disarmament. When Hussein refused, Bush ordered him removed from power, with the help of over 30 allied nations.

Okay, the pundit is reporting not only from the future, but also from an alternate universe.

Weeping over supposed violation of international law, Democrats who had approved presidential discretionary use of force in Iraq now decided once again that they had been deceived. And so they slandered Bush as a warmonger and a traitor. They and their vile ilk claimed that Bush was a shill for Saudi oil.

I think that "Bob Democrat and his Vile Ilk" would make a great name for a rock band.

The pounding took its toll. Kerry, the perfect embodiment of leftist hatred for George W. Bush, fulfilled his lifelong ambition. And, like Winston Churchill, Bush was unceremoniously thrown from office.

The rest is history. Faith in American republicanism has been undermined by candidates who will not acknowledge the legitimacy of majoritarian democratic results.

Yeah, those damned Republican whiners won't accept the fact that Kerry won fair and square.  I say we send them all to Thunder Dome, or make Soylent Green out of them, or something.

America has been plagued by a sporadic but regular and devastating pattern of terrorist bombings and killings. The public, lacking a clear moral system, flounders for a vision.

See!  See!  I told you that if George Bush wasn't reelected, nobody would have a moral system anymore.

Now, in 2054, I only wish I could go back and convince Americans to recognize George W. Bush's greatness when they had the chance. 

Sadly, it turned out that George Bush WAS reelected, this pundit was drafted, and he died fighting Oceana in 2007. 

Yeah, it's one of those ironic "Twilight Zone" endings.

5.  "This Presidential Race Has Never Been Neck and Neck"

It's not fair that George Bush has to campaign for President AND lead the country,  all while being reviled, persecuted, and martyred for his faith.  If John Kerry were a decent person and a Christian, he'd refuse to run against God's chosen President.  

So, it's not "neck & neck" - it is a "lone voice" crying out for God to protect this nation, while an "Army of Americans" have their whips out everyday to beat him down.

But even when brought to his knees with his hands tied behind his back, and I'm sure a threat on his life every single day . . . he's still in the lead. Now that's miraculous!

Maybe that "Army of Americans with whips to beat down Bush" is the draft rumor that the President saw on the Internets.

6.  "With liberty and comfort in stalls"

Our humble pundit reproduces a purported letter from a grad student about how the student's college wants to have a meeting to discuss making two restrooms on campus "gender neutral" to help the transgendered feel more confortable. 

The letter takes up most of the column, but the pundit presumably doesn't share his payment for the column with the student.  He does, however, share some horrible puns, stupid advice, and bigotry.

Dear Dan (not real name):I feel your pain, man. These people are merely pampered perverts who need to put a lid on it, so to speak. But, since they have called for a meeting to help people flush out their differences, maybe you should refrain from using the p-word. Be especially careful in the bathroom. You never know who (or what) might be listening.

Yeah, maybe even some of those subhuman, perverted, transgendered individuals could be in there!  You should probably just use a bottle in your office, like this pundit does.

So, I recommend that you go to the “informational meeting” dressed as a woman.  [...]

It may sound like a silly prank, but it isn’t. The members of the so-called Transgender/Gender queer taskforce, like most other gay activists, are simply whining emotional misfits who are trying to terrorize decent society under the guise of “tolerance” and “diversity.”

It is time that someone gave them a taste of their own medicine; instead of allowing them to turn our campuses into cesspools of moral contamination. 

BTW, this piece is by the same pundit who said that for every "hate" letter he got in response to a column, he was going to buy another gun.  Presumably by now he has sold his house, car, and wife in an effort to raise enough money to buy the needed fire arms.  I picture an ironic "Twilight Zone" ending for him too, where he finds out that it was the GUNS who were sending him the hate mail.

7.  "Candidate running on honesty has been caught in another lie"

That devastating anti-Kerry October surprise you've heard so much about.

U.N. ambassadors from several nations are disputing assertions by Sen. John Kerry that he met for hours with all members of the U.N. Security Council just a week before voting in October 2002 to authorize the use of force in Iraq.

An investigation by this journalist that while the candidate did talk for an unspecified period to at least a few members of the panel, no such meeting, as described by Kerry on a number of occasions over the past year, ever occurred. 

Heh heh.  Claiming to be a journalist in a column where he chides somebody else for a lack of honesty is rich!

Anyway, apparently the former ambassador from Bulgaria said Kerry never met with him.   This is such a shocking story that even if it isn't true, Kerry should just concede the election right now.

8.  "They're not referees"

Blah, blah, blah, the mainstream media is biased against George Bush.

This year, ABC, CBS and NBC have combined for more than 75 stories on George W. Bush's National Guard Service, with virtually nothing to say about Kerry's scandalous anti-war behavior. They've done more than 50 stories on "skyrocketing" or "record high" gasoline prices, rarely admitting prices are lower today than they were under St. Jimmy Carter. They've aired hundreds on prison abuse at Abu Ghraib, while the mass graves of Saddam are a yawner.

And if the media doesn't balance every story about something bad that happened on Bush's watch with one about something bad that happened while Saddam was in charge, then this proves they are biased against Bush.  But don't mention the bad things that happened on Hitler's watch, or else!

And if a news outlet wants to do a story about how the high price of gasoline, it should also be forced to mention that Jimmy Carter, a Democratic President, was once attacked by a rabbit.  That's only fair and balanced.

9.  "Liberals And National Security Don't Mix"

Some newspapers have endorsed John Kerry because he at least offers some hope that we won't be in for "four more years of the same."  However, this way of thinking is just liberal mushiness -- you should face the situtation like a man, give up all hope, and vote for Bush, because at least that way you can plan for the quagmire.  And besides, now that Bush has screwed everything up, how much worse could he make things in four more years?

This is liberal mushiness at its best. [...]

No matter how you cut it, other than the Iraqis themselves, the United States is going to bear the brunt of the costs and casualties in this war. We don't need someone who will lie to you and tell you otherwise.

What we need is someone who not only talks tough against terrorists sometimes, but all the time, and whose actions and record are consistent with his statements. That someone is President Bush.

George is a miserable failure, but at least he's consistent about it.  Just hold your nose and vote for him.  And if it gets too bad, maybe this pundit's brother can slip you some spare painkillers.

So, that's this edition of "Name That Townhall Wingnut".  How did you do? 

Sorry.  Well, at least we have a box of Rice-a-Roni and a can of Turtle Wax for you.

*Prizes, even consolaton prizes, are intangible, and are found in the admiration of your peers, the laughter of children, and the knowledge that John Kerry's election will cause many of these wingnuts to suffer literal conniption fits.

2:58:17 AM