November 12, 2004 by s.z.

Who Said It? As Gabriel (and many others of you) noted, yesterday's Mystery Guest, Richard Belzer, was indeed addressing the infatuated Bill Maher, and taking about the repugnant Ann Coulter.  Reason enough to watch "Law & Order: Lurid, Over-the-Top Unit" this week. Now, who said this? Still, there's a certain poetic beauty to Arafat's death. He'll assume room temperature in France (where his body will undoubtedly smell better than those of the doctors). Hint: It's not Ann Coulter, but he wishes he were her, which is presumably why he chose his current field of study (although it must wound him to no end to know that he made it into a much better school than she did, which means that she hates him now). Okay, here's a bonus "Who Said It?", also dealing with Arafat: Our paper had this headline: “Enduring Symbol of Palestine Dies.” Personally, I’m old school. I’d go with something, oh, factual, like “ARAFAT DEAD.” Hard to argue. Hard to find bias. I don’t know what would be satisfying, really. “Goaty Old Fiend Expires, Loses Power, Fortune, Bowel Control; Fills Room with Odor of Offal and Urine” would put people off their breakfast, I suppose. Man, I hope this guy's kid still doesn't know how to read! 4:53:57 AM

They're Ba-ack! From The Christian Post: Hoping to use the momentum of the November 2 elections in which “values voters” re-elected President Bush, Dr. Jerry Falwell announced the formation of The Faith and Values Coalition, a national organization designed to keep up the “evangelical revolution of voters who will continue to go to the polls and ‘vote Christian.’” Since there are no more major elections until 2006, the evangelicals will be encouraged to vote for faith and values in such contests as "Extra Crispy Vs. Extra Spicy" (the Christians will vote against Spicy, of course); and "Should the Trix Rabbit Get the Trix?" (the FVC will try to force the passage of a constitutional amendment which would state that "Trix shall be constituted to be only for kids," since giving them to a rodent would undermine traditional cereal eating). With 71-year-old Falwell serving as the national chairman for the next four years, the group plans to seek to confirm pro-life judicial nominees, pass a constitutional Federal Marriage Amendment, and elect another conservative president in the 2008 elections. “Essentially, TFVC is a 21st century resurrection of the Moral Majority,” Falwell said in a press release. I'm pretty sure that the resurrection of the Moral Majority (after it lay dead in the streets for a dozen or so years) was one of the signs of the Apocalypse mentioned in the Book of Revelation. Alongside Falwell, Mathew Staver, founder, president and general counsel of the Orlando, Florida-based Liberty Counsel, will serve as vice-chairman and Falwell's son, Jonathan Falwell, will serve as executive director. Renowned author and theologian Dr. Tim LaHaye will serve as the Coalition's board chairman. So, Moral Majorty 2: Revenge of the Wingnuts will be headed by Jerry "the pagans, abortionists,  feminists, gays and the lesbians, and ACLU helped make 9/11 happen" Falwell.  Helping him will be Johnny "Nepotism is a Value" Falwell, Matt "Same Sex Marriage: Putting Every Household At Risk" Staver, and Tim "Left Behind®" LaHaye. We can only hope they all get raptured by the end of the year. P.S.  It seems that the second book in Tim LaHaye's "Michael Murphy, the evangelical Indiana Jones, not the guy who sang 'Wild Fire'" series has been released.  Here's what Tim has to say about the series: BABYLON RISING is an action thriller that won't quit, designed to grab your attention on page one and hold it. Sure, most action thrillers quit on the last page, assuming that their work is done.  But that's because they're sissies! This book is a manly, rugged action thriller, despite being Christian.  It's a book that even Doug Giles wouldn't be ashamed to take on an Axis Precious Moments Figurines hunt with Dr. Mike Adams. Our hero is a real life Indiana Jones type, an evangelical Christian archaeologist who loves dangerous places and life-threatening circumstances. His mission in life is to uncover ancient artifacts that confirm his faith. I'm not sure which he enjoys most, the danger or the discovery of artifacts, because he loves living on the edge. Woo hoo!  Extreme evangelical archaeology!  To the max! One of our readers was a producer of the Indiana Jones films. He loved the book so much that he is currently working feverishly in Hollywood to have BABYLON RISING made into an exciting series of theatrical motion pictures. Which will undoubtedly star some "on the edge" action star.  You know, somobody like this guy: The significance of the story in THE SECRET ON ARARAT is so incredible I cannot reveal it until the book is published.. I bet it's about how MM finds Noah's ark, and in it is a dinosaur egg!  The egg hatches into a killer monster which eats feminists, gays and lesbians, pagans, and card-carrying members of the ACLU.  The dinosaur runs amuck, eventually destroying Hollywood, New York City, and all of the blue counties.  And then Jesus returns and smites it with George Bush.  Many bible scholars believe the days prior to the flood are very similar to our own days. And of course, nothing would cement that truth like the actual discovery of the real Noah's Ark. It has been sighted by over two hundred people around the 15,000-foot level high on Mt Ararat. [...] The discovery of the Ark of Noah would be the most revolutionary discovery in the history of the world, to say the least. Yes, it would be the most revolutionary discovery in the history (and future) of the entire universe, to say the least. Like its predecessor BABYLON RISING, this new book, THE SECRET ON ARARAT, is exciting beyond words. Well, some of the Amazon reviewers found words -- words like "fundamentalist nonsense," "Weak plot development and weaker character creation," "Cheap attempt to advocate Mount Ararat as Noah's Ark's final resting place instead of one of the many mountains of Ararat," and "if you are looking for a read that doesn't insult your intelligence with its contrived plot, stiff dialogue and ubiquitous attempts to bring the reader around to the 'right' way of thinking, you should buy something else; anything will do. An absolute waste of money." I challenge you to read it.  I dare you to knock this book off my shoulder!  Come on!  I dare you!   4:22:03 AM

Deep Thoughts, by Peggy Noonan  As usual, Peggy is in maroon, while the authentic "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey are in blue.  Which lines are funnier?  Well, Jack IS a professional humorist, while Peggy is regular columnist for the Wall Street Journal's editorial pages.  So, it's a tie.  And this time, I'll try to give you the context of Peggy's remarks, so you can see the method behind her madness.  Or see more of her madness.  Whatever.  Peggy begins by explaining that she is still happy because of the election (and because her doctor has her on heavy-duty pharmaceuticals). Well, I just can't stop being happy. I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me. Peggy met up with Stephen Moore's Hairclub for Growth, and they all gloated for a while. It's good to see Republicans show their joy. Republicans are people who can always see the next problem down the road, and are always working on it; moreover they're often like the Irish and the Jews, who don't believe in good fortune, and if it happens don't mention it or it will stop. They were a proud people.  In fact, some said they were too proud. If you asked them why they were so proud, they'd just laugh and say, "We're not even going to answer that." Later, they were tied to the bumper of a car and dragged around the block, as onlookers shrieked with delight.  But one old man, who had a banjo, just shook his head and walked away.  The crowd noticed this and set him on fire. Peggy gives a speech to the group -- instead of doing research, she decides to use her intuition [the same power that allows her to sense dolphin motivations] to explain why people voted for Geoge Bush.  Mr. Bush was not known as a sneak or a liar. We have had presidents who were known as sneaks and liars, some quite recently, but that wasn't Mr. Bush, and I believe it was a relief to normal people. That relief was never articulated by anybody I remember hearing, but I believe it had a real if unquantifiable effect on the voters' choice. I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out." But I've never even seen a radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here. The reason people voted for Bush is because he's not exceptional in any way, so he doesn't make even those in the red states feel inferior. He loves sports and business and politics, and speaks their language. Normal. [...] He thinks if bad guys attack New York City and the Pentagon, we go after them and kill them--normal. If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat). People in the red states don't really think that George is a god.  Okay, some of them do, but most realize that, as unlikely as it seems, somebody actually had sex with The Enforcer, so George isn't the result of a virgin birth. They expect Mr. Bush to make mistakes. But they don't expect him to make amazing out-of-character mistakes. They expect him to make George Bush-type mistakes. They can live with that. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."  He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. Peggy recounts how she answered Stephen's question about comparing George to Ronnie  -- it involves a pointless story about visiting West Point and talking about testicles with some guy who might have been a general or janitor or something. About a year ago I was visiting West Point, and I was talking to a big officer, a general or colonel. But he had the medals and ribbons and the stature  [...] I stopped speaking for a moment. There was silence. And then the general said, "You mean he's got two of 'em." And I laughed and said yes, that's exactly what I mean. And the same could be said of Reagan. It was a happy night at the Club for Growth. It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars. And then Peggy speaks about the Republican family values that stood them in good stead during the recent election. I saw mothers leave their kids to work at various headquarters for a few hours whenever they could, and husbands stay out late to put up banners. I saw the young man in an Ohio headquarters who kept a baseball bat in his office because they had been menaced, and he meant to menace back if he had to. If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. Then Peggy concludes by quoting a big chunk of "King Henry V" in honor of noble yeoman bloggers. Yeah, she's really lost it. 1:45:52 AM