October 31, 2004 by s.z.

Another Seasonal Classic Since this is the autumnal, Ray Bradburyesque season of Halloween, we thought we would take a brief detour from wingnuts and share with you our afternoon of true-life horror in . . . The Bone Church of Kutna Hora! As the Official Prague Tourist Site says, "You will feel the gentle breath of Gothic there." First, some background. During the Crusades, the local abbot brought back some dirt from the site of the Crucifixion, and from then on Kutna Hora (a village in Bohemia) was the place to be buried. And by the 19thcentury, the monks had a basement, attic, and rental unit full of human bones, and were running out of storage space. So, they turned the skeletons into lovely bone candle holders, darling skull pyramids (topped with cherubs), a striking eight-foot-high bone chandelier ringed with skulls, and even a whimsical bone bird, its beak fashioned from a split ulna, said beak poking inquisitively into a skull. All in all, the church at Kutna Hora is decorated with the skeletal remains of 40,000 persons. Okay, we didn't know all that when we visited the Czech Republic some years ago on official goverment business.  All we knew was that our guide, a young member of the Czech intelligence service, dropped us off at an old building, saying only, "It used to be a monastery," and "I’ll wait in the car." We strolled around with that blasé attitude of world travelers who, if they’ve seen one elderly pile of stones, have seen them all. But after a few moments we realized…hey, this place is built from human bones! And then we began to speculate about what kind of people would have constructed a monument like this. Were they satanic monks, who invited pilgrims to retreats, and then killed them so they could use their blood for diabolic black masses, their bones to make bread and/or bibelots? Of course, they might not have been satanic monks per se--maybe they just had a different notion of the monastic ideal. Instead of a life dedicated to asceticism and self-denial, maybe they were dedicated to aesthetics and design. Maybe they were Martha Stewart monks. ("Look, Brother Matthew, I know it's an ossuary, but that doesn't mean it has to be so Spartan and unfriendly. Look at this--limestone boxes full of bones, stacked from floor to ceiling. It might as well be a shoe store! As long as we've got these old bones lying around, why can't we do something kicky and fun with them? We could use some of the phalanges and metatarsals for a sort of filigree effect along the molding--sort of like Victorian gingerbread. We could use cracked ulnas and ribs to make decorative sconces. And what about taking some of the major bones--your femurs and skulls, say--that are just lying around taking up space, and using them to make a beautiful, functional, but oddly chilling chandelier?") Whatever the explanation, it’s clear that Kutna Hora represents a rather extreme dichotomy--the holiest of consecrated ground, containing soil filched from Golgotha, overlooked by a church filled with the desecrated remains of thousands. Talk about going out of your way to appeal to every demographic! And that is what we learned from our time in the Czech Republic.  And it made us better people, and gave us some great ideas for what to do with grandma’s remains 1:19:27 AM

Hysterics For Bush  From the Wash Post: GRAND RAPIDS, Mich., Oct. 30 -- Amy Morrison is noticeable at Saturday's rally in Michigan because of her red hair, and because she is shrieking and crying. Lately she's gone from worried that Bush might lose to terrified. "I just want to touch him on the shoulder," she says, "I just need to see him in case I won't see him again. I'm so scared for him." Apparently Amy knows about the Good Lord's threat to call George home unless we all vote for him. 1:06:15 AM

Who Said It? Yes, as noted by various astute readers, yesterday's mystery guests were James Lileks and Meghan Cox Gurdon (btw, be sure to check TBogg's splendid account of Meghan's Bake Sale for Niceness).  You people are smarter than you look! But you'll never guess today's voice in the wilderness: Check it out.  We have to deal with Marilyn Manson wearing a unitard with uber-white quail legs, at the same time we have to deal with secular humanism growing within our culture faster than the lint ball in James Gandolfini’s navel … at the same time as we are fending off Islamic radicals who view us as infidels.  They see our nation, freedom and culture as “the great Satan” who would love nothing more than to see Charlie’s Angels dressed in berkas. [...] It’s time for courageous Christian men and women to step up to the plate and for all the little tinker pot girlie men to retreat to the stands and sit there with Mummy until the dust clears. Okay, you'll guess it.  (What gave it away?) That's why I've come up with an extra credit one that will be sure to stump you!  Guess the mystery political personage quoted in the passage below: "'Dr. [....] is here!' he proclaimed giddily, while refusing to be baited about flu vaccine." "Hijinx ensued.  [...] proceeded to massage the scalp of a correspondent with, alas, fewer strands of hair than his 'surgeon,' who promised -- oddly -- to 'make the circumcision,' and then added that he had 'replaced the defective mental unit.' After pronouncing the operation successful, said physician of spin explained that his missing sterile gloves necessitated that he'd had to 'go commando' for the procedure." Yeah, this guy going commando on your head.  THAT should scare the media straight. 12:34:57 AM