March 14, 2005 by s.z.

God, Edible Hammers, and Phyllis As I noted in my post yesterday at American Street, the second-tier (and lower) Republicans had a dinner to show support for Tom DeLay on Thursday night.  The theme of the evening was "God, stop worrying about the poor and the sick, and get off your throne and protect Tom DeLay from his enemies, the Democrats." One of those expressing these sentiments was everybody's favorite shrew, Phyllis Schlafly.  Here's part of the Dallas News account of the soiree: Eagle Forum founder Phyllis Schlafly, "mother of the conservative movement," assured Mr. DeLay that "the prayers of your many friends will protect you like a mighty shield." Can one pray away one's comeuppance?  (That's sounds almost like the kind of theology that Jonah Goldberg says doesn't exist, and so using it for a "Law & Order plot would be "nonsense, plucked whole cloth in a fit of ignorance.") Anyway, Phyllis also told Tom that he must not be as hated as Ann Coulter, because his enemies hadn't pied him yet.  Poor Phyllis -- she remembers when SHE was the dominatrix of conservatism, and now it's Ann who's getting all the pies. But there was dessert for everyone: Playing off Mr. DeLay's nickname, desserts were layer cakes topped with hammer-shaped icing, served as a folk band sang Pete Seeger's anthem, "If I had a Hammer." Isn't that just too, too cute? But the Wash Post reports on the downside of edible hammers: Amid the rhetorical red meat, guests dined on filet mignon and salmon, topped off by frosted marble cake with chocolate hammers. At one table, diners grabbed for the edible hammers like kids at a birthday party. "Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats and it will facilitate the serving of our hammer desserts," implored Mitchell. When no one listened, she shushed into the microphone and asked, "Where is the Hammer when you need him?" Look in the Junket Desserts! Anyway, this has all been a set-up for the announcement that Crooks and Liars has the video of Phyllis's speech. 3:06:02 AM

Swank O' the Day Today's selections are taken from Pastor Swank's column "GO JOHN BOLTON — TO THE UN!" The United Nations is in need of a good, sound shaking up. It’s time that someone of conviction gets into the US ambassador’s seat and stays there. Is the author of "‘ONWARD, CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS!’ : ANOTHER STATE SAYS NIX TO HOMO NUPS" really advocating sodomy in the above passage? Bolton expresses himself in understandable language as does the US President. Dems know nothing of expressing themselves honestly. Why do I find it perfectly natural that Pastor Swank believes George Bush expresses himself in understandable language? Bolton is forthright in what he understands to be American-right. Dems know nothing of American patriotism rightness. They are the opportunists of all times. Therefore, how could Dems ever come to endorse a persona such as Bolton? They despise Mr. Bush. They don’t like Bolton. So they say that some of his interpersonal communications have not been swathed with finesse. So what? There are those kinds of executives yielding good fruit every day in lots of places. Now that's what I call understandable language!.  But I think I now comprehend why Bush is so adamant about sending Bolton to the U.N.: because they need the fruit.  But those darned Dems just won't endorse a persona such as Bolton's because they don't like how he swathes -- they are obviously insufficient in American patriotism rightness, and their fruit yielding is suspect. Therefore, when we get to the bottom line of all this scouring of the personality of Bolton, This is the most anally-fixated column the Pastor has ever compsed! surely sane persons can conclude that we have an aggressive personality who stands on conviction ready to defend America and those who stand by America in the United Nations. What is so awful about that? Nothing. Nothing at all. Well, nothing but the prospect of Homo Nups in the future. Then let a Bolton be a Bolton and send him with banners waving red, white and blue to the United Nations. I for one can hardly wait for him to say his bit when hitting the floor. Go Bolton go — to the UN — soon, like yesterday. Hey, Bolton didn't actually hit the floor, he just asked to have it reassigned because he lost confidence in it. But here's a little song I composed in Bolton's honor: Here he comes, here comes John Bolton - he’s a demon on underlings. He’s a demon and he’s gonna be chasin’ after someone, and throwin' staplers. He’s gainin’ on you so you better look alive. He’s busy revvin’ up a powerful Def-Con 5. And when the odds are against him, and there’s dangerous work to do You bet your life John Bolton will abuse an intelligence analyst or two. Go John Bolton! Go John Bolton! Go John Bolton, Go to the UN!  Like yesterday! 2:05:00 AM