'Revelations' Update
Episode 5.
Bill Pullman's geeky assistant goes to Saint Terri convent to fax Bill some of the lightening girl's scribbles. While he's there, a Satanic SWAT team breaks through the gates, kills the guards, and heads to the basement to get the girl. Mother Superior gives the girl a lethal injection, to spare her from being used as a ritual sacrifice. The Satanists kill the geek (aw!), as the girl dies, Mother Superior sees her walking to heaven, hand in hand with Bill Pullman's daughter. The lessons so far: (a) mercy killing the brain-dead is okay if you're a nun; (b) you can can only be admitted to heaven if you have a buddy to accompany you; (c) only geeks and angelic-looking blonde girls die young; and (d) there are all kinds of jobs available in the field of satanism, from super model to SWAT team member.
Anyway, back in the Damien-finding part of our story, Bill and Sister Jo are in Prague, where one of those shady dealers in Satanic books whom we met in The Ninth Gate offers to sell them a tome entitledThe Birth of the Antichrist: What To Expect While You're Expecting Satan's Love Child. It was written by some blind exorcist in a dungeon, so it has to be authentic. The dealer tells them that the book will reveal the date and place of the antichrist's birth, and since that's where the devil worshippers will be sacrificing Bill's stepson Hawk, Bill hopes the book will help him rescue the boy. Or at least make entertaining airport reading.
Sister Jo gets the money for the book from that Domino's Pizza guy, and then Bill, Sister Jo, and the book dealer go to a crypt which has been turned into a library (it doesn't need a librarian to shush the patrons, because it's as quiet as the grave). Inside, our Satan Busters find seven scrolls, a block of wood, and a booby trap that fills the crypt with gas. Bill and Sister Jo risk their lives to pry loose a box that they think contains the antichrist book, but it turns out that it only holds a gruesome decapitated head (see our piece on the Bone Church of Kutna Hora for more Czech decorating tips). They get out just as the crypt explodes, the place apparently having been rigged by the bad guys from the Lethal Weapon movies as an act of revenge on religion for having taken Mel Gibson away from action flicks.
The rescued scrolls contain some really cool data, such as a DaVinci-style drawing of a man without a heart. The guy from the Ninth Gate says that it's an "oyuduh," a demonic creatures, which, although it looks human, is actually a lizardoid (so David Icke was right)! This revelation explains how Haden, the head Satanist, was able to regenerate his finger -- and it also means that he is the Beast, as mentioned by John of Patmos (if Haden's inmate number was 666, it would clinch things). The scroll also tells about twin demonesses who can change into animals, and who will help with the birth of the Antichrist (and this explains the twin Satanic Super Models, and why they turned into cats last week).
Despite all this great material proving the superiority of the red states over the blue states, Bill is really sad that they never found The Birth of the Antichrist. He and Sister Jo have a discussion about faith and stuff, while they look at cathedrals and listen to "Ave Verum Corpus" two or three times.
Anyway, back in the Damien-finding part of our story, Bill and Sister Jo are in Prague, where one of those shady dealers in Satanic books whom we met in The Ninth Gate offers to sell them a tome entitledThe Birth of the Antichrist: What To Expect While You're Expecting Satan's Love Child. It was written by some blind exorcist in a dungeon, so it has to be authentic. The dealer tells them that the book will reveal the date and place of the antichrist's birth, and since that's where the devil worshippers will be sacrificing Bill's stepson Hawk, Bill hopes the book will help him rescue the boy. Or at least make entertaining airport reading.
Sister Jo gets the money for the book from that Domino's Pizza guy, and then Bill, Sister Jo, and the book dealer go to a crypt which has been turned into a library (it doesn't need a librarian to shush the patrons, because it's as quiet as the grave). Inside, our Satan Busters find seven scrolls, a block of wood, and a booby trap that fills the crypt with gas. Bill and Sister Jo risk their lives to pry loose a box that they think contains the antichrist book, but it turns out that it only holds a gruesome decapitated head (see our piece on the Bone Church of Kutna Hora for more Czech decorating tips). They get out just as the crypt explodes, the place apparently having been rigged by the bad guys from the Lethal Weapon movies as an act of revenge on religion for having taken Mel Gibson away from action flicks.
The rescued scrolls contain some really cool data, such as a DaVinci-style drawing of a man without a heart. The guy from the Ninth Gate says that it's an "oyuduh," a demonic creatures, which, although it looks human, is actually a lizardoid (so David Icke was right)! This revelation explains how Haden, the head Satanist, was able to regenerate his finger -- and it also means that he is the Beast, as mentioned by John of Patmos (if Haden's inmate number was 666, it would clinch things). The scroll also tells about twin demonesses who can change into animals, and who will help with the birth of the Antichrist (and this explains the twin Satanic Super Models, and why they turned into cats last week).
Despite all this great material proving the superiority of the red states over the blue states, Bill is really sad that they never found The Birth of the Antichrist. He and Sister Jo have a discussion about faith and stuff, while they look at cathedrals and listen to "Ave Verum Corpus" two or three times.
But then Bill has his own revelation: he deduces that the block of wood he saved from the crypt is actually a slide puzzle. He calls up professor John Rhys-Davies to ask him for math tips on how to solve such a puzzle. This makes us wonder how Bill's character ever became a top astrophysicist -- you'd think he'd have to know math to qualify for the job. Plus, just how hard is it to solve one of these puzzles?
Anyway, our sleuth finds the answer to solving the puzzle in the brain-dead girl's scribblings, and it turns out that the block of wood is actually a box (who'd a thunk it?) containing not only the book they were searching for, but also a RonCo steak knife guaranteed to kill reptilian Satanists without ever needing sharpening.
Meanwhile, Haden (the Beast) leads a prison uprising, kills a bunch of guards, and escapes. He then goes on TV to announce that he's started the army of Magog, and he invites all convicts to break out of jail and help him form the largest army on earth. Don Rumsfeld is really jealous.
Meanwhile, Virgin Mary II gets rescued from her mental institution by a kindly satanic social worker, who takes her to a hospital nursery full of babies -- Mary II has to pick out baby Jesus II from among the Satanic imposters, or she gets kicked off the show.
And Fred Durst is training Hawk to be sacrificial victim (you wouldn't think the job required many skills, but apparently it does). His last lesson is to walk into a fire. When the episode ends, it doesn't look it's going too well for the young dummy ...
Next week: it's the last episode of the series, so either Bill and Sister Jo prevent the birth of the antichrist (presumably through abortion) and save the world; or they don't, and we all die. What a cliff hanger!
3:44:53 AM
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