March 7, 2005 by s.z.

Taking a Tip From Dr. Mike Okay, I was sick, and I got behind in my correspondence (in that I have answer nary an email for nearly two weeks).  And now today I'm really tired and not feeling especially creative or industrious.  So, I decided to emulate Mike Adams and see if I can make a column out of answering my email.  (The next step will be to see if I can get Townhall to pay for said piece.) Anyway, here goes: ============================== Dear Keith, You emailed me about the new site Outnotes.  You said that: OutNotes.com consists of a collection of letters that people have written to friends, family, and loved ones to 'come out.'  The site is already receiving letters of appreciation from people who have already come out, and others who are still struggling to come out: "These letters brought tears to my eyes because I understand that these people are bearing their souls at the expense of everything they hold dear. I wish them all well and only hope that they have an easier time of it than I did." I think this is a great idea, and a very worthy endeavor.  Thanks for letting me know about it. Best wishes on the new venture, --S.Z. ========================================== Dear Megan, You wrote: Dear Nameless Faceless Editor; I happened accross your insult-o-blog today and, though I'm not surprised at the typical leftist smear tactics, I feel I need to ask you a question. Do you at any point intend to engage those you harpoon by personal insult in any sort of meaningful debate on any issues? (Other than the extremely important issue of bleached vs. natural blondes.) I think that deserves an honest reply.  So, here you go: No. Furthermore, just to clarify for the sake of my reputation, I have not now nor have I ever "flirted" with Rush Limbaugh, Doug Giles, Ben Shapiro or any other man besides my husband. I certainly didn't mean to imply that you had done anything untoward with any of these gentlemen, but I stand my opinion that this constitutes flirting.  (I hope I didn't cause any rifts in your marriage with my previous remarks.) I realize it is difficult for you to comprehend a woman as "busty" as I am actually gets opportunities based on ability and wit (since you are blinded by hatred and have no recourse but to shout obscenitites in the direction of anyone opposing your views.) Yes, I can see that you got this this opportunity based on your ability and wit. It would behoove you, however, to try and make your point in the arena of ideas instead of the arena of assholes. (Which, pardon my language, but that's how I would catagorize someone who chooses to avoid all semblance of debate and opt for pointless insult slinging instead.) Thanks for your interest in my blog.  However, unless you are with the behoovement police (and have behoovement power granted by the state), I think I will continue to write in the manner to which I have become accustomed. Oh, and I thought your comment "Have you read Mein Kampf? Or better yet, do you have a small statue of Stalin on your nightstand?" was a classy example of how to make points in the arena of ideas. Thanks for the example of how I could do a better job of conducting meaningful debate. Best wishes, --S.Z. ================================== Dear Krup, You wrote to inform me about "the greatest commercial ever!"  While I happen to think that the Life cereal commercial from the 70's is the greatest commercial ever, I think that the one for "Bling it On!" is certainly in the Top Ten. And providing a clip of the two versions of Laura Bush's stand-up act (the regular version, and John Stewart's extra spicy version) was a valuable public service.  I'm Just Sayin' is a great blog, and I hope it brings you lots of bling. Regards. S.Z. ========================================= Dear Frederick, You sent me the link for Strap-On Veterans for Truth, "An organization dedicating to exposing the truth about the former drag queen now known as Ann Coulter."   I checked it out, and was amazed (and also strangely moved) by the story of how Jeremy Levinsohn, the child of Jewish liberals, became Pudenda Shenanigans, who became Ann Coulter. Knowing that Ann used to be a drag queen in Key West is the only thing that has ever made me feel any sympathy towards her (or him).  Thanks for sharing this link. Oh, and Frederick, when will you be able to update BeatBushBlog?  Inquiring minds want to know -- and anyway, Bush needs beating more than ever these days.  (But not in a way that should concern the Secret Service, of course.) Your pal, --S.Z. ============================================== Dear AOL Team, Yes, I know that my home is now serviceable by a high-speed connection, since you've informed me of this at least a dozen times previously.  I'm sure that it's a very nice high-speed Internet connection, but, well, "affordability" is in the pocket of the beholder.  So, please accept my continued lack of response as an indication that I'm just not that into you. Sincerely, --S.Z. ======================================== Dear Mark, Thanks for letting me know about media critic Howie Kurtz's review of the media's takes on Laura Bush's speech at the WH Correspondents dinner.  Like you, I was especially taken by this part: President's Intern (no, I don't think it's that one) has "never been so disappointed in anyone as I am in the First Lady, Laura Bush. Mrs. Bush, speaking at the recent Correspondents Dinner took it upon herself to embarrass and humilate President Bush in the eyes of the entire world. [...] "So what if President Bush isn't interested in sex. He's got other interests like putting tinpot dictators in their place. You don't need a big penis (excuse the expression) to invade Iraq. In fact, if President Clinton hadn't been having sex with anything that moves, maybe he would have had the time to invade a country or two  ... "You can bet that back home in Texas, when a wife says she's out watching male strippers, those concealed weapons Texans carry become unconcealed quick enough. If my Momma ever said anything like that about Daddy in public, you can be sure I'd be half an orphan with a father on probation." But I'd bet the prez signed off on the monologue in advance. And, like you Mark, I'd bet that President's Intern is a parody site.  And a pretty funny one at that.  (Why are the media critics and Drudge always the last to spot these things?) Oh, and speaking of pretty funny parodies, I commend you on your latest Ann Coulter column, The Devil is in My Pants.  Great job, Mark! Yours truly, --S.Z. ======================= Dear T.L., Thanks for forwarding me the message entitled "Very Important", and for adding the line "SODA DRINKERS BEWARE!"  Without your efforts, I never would have known that about this incident in North Texas: A woman went boating one Sunday, taking with her some cans of coke which she put in the refrigerator of the boat. On Monday she was taken into Intensive Care Unit and on Wednesday she died. The autopsy revealed a certain Leptospirose caused by the can of coke from which she had drunk, not using a glass. A test showed that the can was infected by dried rat urine and hence the disease Leptospirosis. Rat urine contains toxic and deathly substances. It is highly recommended to wash thoroughly the upper part of soda cans before drinking out of them as they have been stocked in warehouses and transported straight to the shops without being cleaned. A study at NYCU showed that the tops of soda cans are more contaminated than public toilets (i.e).. full of germs and bacteria. So wash them with water before putting them to the mouth to avoid any kind of fatal accident. Please forward this message to all the people you care about. Will do, D.L., because I'd really hate to see anyone I care about fall victim this to malady.  I can just imagine the West Texas woman's husband asking her what brought her to this lowly state, and her whispered reply, "It .. .was ... rat urine poisoning!" (Followed by weeping and wailing from the husband and the hospital staff.).  Yeah, that would be really sad. FYI, here's more information on this deadly plague: Urban Legends Reference Pages: Toxin du jour (Rat Urine).  Now in return, can I ask you something: Who the heck are you, and how did I get on your mailing list? Best Wishes for a Rat-Urine Free Future, --S.Z. =================================== Well, that's a couple of days worth of mail answered, AND a post for today.  Thanks, Dr. Mike, for teaching me the secret of successful columnizing (and a proven way to win friends and influence people).  Join me again soon for more "S.Z. Answers Her Email," a feature that I hope will be as popular as "Family Circus Interpretation" (a feature that ended up alienating everybody, and probably breaking the heart of old Bil Keane).. 3:38:44 AM

"Accepting enchanted Turkish Delight from the White Witch" This week TBogg does a particularly brilliant job with Meghan Cox Gurdon's story of how she was seduced by James Lileks ... I mean, by Target and the ChiComs. However, I want to spend a little more time on my favorite part of the story. It comes after Meghan asks her husband, the former CEI Fellow, if she will go to hell for buying crappy merchandise made in countries included in their friend David Frum's "Axis of Not-Niceness."  See, Megan has just read Uncle Tom's Cabin, and thinks that "Eva St. Clair Gurdon" would be a kick-ass name for the baby.  And, um, based on her reading, she doesn't want to help pay for the helicopters that will someday strafe our cities.  Really!  (Here's the line from her column: 'Plus, I don't want to help pay for the helicopters that will someday strafe our cities.") So, Hugo gives her a couple of quarters, and tells her to call somebody who cares (a line that was a lot more effective back in the days before everyone was packing cell phones). He grins. "Why don't you ask X?" he says, mentioning the name of a Senior Government Official who's a pal of ours and a specialist in such matters. This is how I imagine the next part of the story went: "Deputy Secretary of State Zoellick, there's a call for you on line two." "Miss Thompson, I'm in the middle of negotions with several heads of state, and we're nearing a breakthrough that could bring about lasting peace in the Middle East.  Good gad, woman, I can't be disturbed now!" "But it's Meghan Gurdon -- she has some questions about shopping at Target." "Oh, well that's different.  Put her on." The Senior Government Official is immensely reassuring. "The People's Liberation Army is largely out of the consumer export business," he says. "So China's military machine is not benefiting from your purchase of sneakers and napkin rings from Target to the degree you might think. The machine is benefiting from the overall development of China's economy, but at the same time, China's interests in employing that machine in ways that counter U.S. interests are increasing at a more rapid rate than the military is expanding."  "So, no invading helicopters will be financed with the $4 that my purchases will net the PRC?" "No, Meghan.  But you do need to worry about black U.N. helicopters which could soon be rounding up you and your children and taking them to a New World Order indocrination camp.  I think that program is financed by buying those UNICEF Christmas cards.  However, John Bolton's the guy whom you should be talking to about that." "But isn't he kind of busy right now?" "Yes.  But I'm sure he'll be happy to excuse himself from those confirmation hearings in order to speak with YOU -- because we Senior Government Officials feel that our number one priority should be answering your inane questions, Meghan Cox Gurdon, and helping you to justify your new habit of slumming at Target and buying shoddy foreign sunglasses, markers, and flip-flops." "That's what I thought.  Thanks." 1:26:57 AM