November 4, 2005 by s.z.

David Brooks and the Goblet of Liars Inspired by Roger Ailes, we're proud to announce a new, exclusive, feature of this blog:  Wo'CTimesSelect.  Yes, starting today, we will be providing you with the work of selected NY Times columnists FOR FREE!  However, since we don't subscribe to TimesSelect ourselves, we will use our finely-honed analytic skills to extrapolate the column from the publicly-available info provided by the Times (one sentence). And now, with no further ado, here's Bobo. * * * * * The Harry da Reid Code By DAVID BROOKS Published: November 3, 2005 Harry Reid had heard of the secret G.O.P. cabal bent on global empire, but he had no idea that he would find a conspiracy so immense. But now here he was, held prisoner in the underground headquarters of the cabal, and even he, a heartless Democrat who had made little Bill Frist cry by rudely hijacking the Senate, was amazed at just how complex and immense this conspiracy actually was. The leader of the group took off his mask and Harry was shocked to find out that it was ... DICK CHENEY!!! Okay, so he wasn't that shocked. But still, he was impressed by Dick's ceremonial parka and his heavy work boots. Harry bravely quipped, "Mr. Vice President, do you expect me to talk?" Dick replied, "No, Mr. Reid, I expect you to listen! You know, while I tell you my secret plans, thus giving your henchmen time to break in and rescue you." "Um, okay." "Very good. Now, I will tell you about our secret GOP global empire conspiracy. See, we had determined that we needed to invade Iraq, kill its leaders, and convert its people to Democracy. But we knew that the American people wouldn't support a preemptive war unless we told them that Iraq had the capability to nuke them while they slept. For extra effect, we implied (or in my case, stated outright) that Saddam was involved in 9/11. So, to build our case for war, we cherry-picked intelligence that pointed to the conclusions we hoped for. We collected our own raw intelligence (from untested and unreliable sources) in order to have information that supported our beliefs. We discounted or intimidated into silence the analysts who disagreed with us. And we flatly ignored the weapons inspectors who told us that Iraq no longer had a nuclear program. We didn't exactly lie, but we weren't exactly honest either. I guess you could say that we willfully screwed up." "I will say that, Mr. Cheney." "Shut up, Reid. I'm not done ranting!"  "Anyway, our egos were so wrapped up in our superior assessment of the situation, we had to discredit Joe Wilson for daring to suggest that we might have botched things. And we misused classified information to do our discrediting (which wasn't exactly sporting of us -- that's why Scooter Libby had to commit perjury to keep this from coming out until after the election, which we managed to win by posturing as the Moral, Adult, Security-Minded Party). And we got away with it all!!! Pretty cool, huh?" "You're mad, Mr. Vice President! Mad, I say! I am going to escape and tell the world about you and your cabal! The American people have a right to know!" "You can try, Mr. Reid. But if you do tell anyone what you've learned, my lackey David Brooks will write a column about you, and will claim that you're a tin-foil hat wearing, simple-minded, paranoid nutjob. He will also blame the Clenis for everything." And that's exactly what happened. So, dear reader, remember that Harry Reid is a tin-foil hat wearing, simple-minded, paranoid nutjob. And keep in mind that if anyone tricked us into the war, it was Bill Clinton. You can believe me, because I write for the New York Times. * * * * * * And that was our Wo'CTimesSelect feature for today.  I hope you enjoyed it.  And I hope that the NYT doesn't sue me for sharing with you their copyrighted material. 2:24:59 AM

We Have Winners! Here are the answers to yesterday's "Who Sait It?" contest, along with the commenter who first correctly named each of our Mystery Guests. 1.  Peggy Noonan - Chawunky 2.  Ann Coulter - Bill S 3. Dennis Prager - Woodrowfan 4.  Marie Jon' - Brad R. 5.  Brent Bozell - Woodrowfan Woodrowfan was also the first to correctly name each of our guests in one post, since we did allow him to go back in time and change Kaye Grogan to Marie Jon' (which was a relief to many people, since Marie is allegedly quite the hottie -- and despite being even more delusional than Kaye, Marie isn't depleting our nation's vital ellipses and quotation marks). And here are the winning nicknames and/or alternative identities for our Mystery Wingnuts, as selected by Sean Hannity: 1.   Peggy "Retard With a Word Processor" Noonan - Chris Vosburg.  Runner-up: Woodrowfan's "Peggy 'I once touched a black person' Noonan"   2. Ann "Pro-life for slutty women only" Coulter  -  D. Sidhe.   (Although we would also accept "A wanker," as submitted by R. Mildred) 3.  Dennis "The Church Lady" Prager -- Woodrowfan.  AKA, "The biggest goyim in the whole wide world (who's name I've momentarily forgotten)" - R. Mildred 4.  Marie's secret identity was revealed by Tara the anti-social social worker:   Michael "You're doing a heckuva job, Drownie" Brown. Tara adds - "You can tell because the very first sentence says he hates cronies." 5.  Brent "One letter away from Bozo" Bozell  - Woodrowfan.   Also know as "King Tut-Tut"  - Tara the anti-social social worker. We thank everyone for playing, and note that the names of all contestants will be added to the "Will Be Allowed to Live" list. Our winners are encouraged to save their prize points, which they might be able to someday trade for cool prizes such as this "General Lee and the Stars and Bars Being Held by Jesus in Heaven" in T-shirt from ChoiceShirts:   Next Time:  We play for what might be the tackiest T-Shirt of all time.  Be there, or don't be square! 12:48:06 AM