October 23, 2005 by s.z.

Sunday Sermon Today's message comes from Eld. G. Craige Lewis.  Here are some of his words, as reported by the Detroit Free Press: G. Craige Lewis [is] a firebrand Texas minister who preaches against hip-hop, claiming the music's rooted in witchcraft and voodoo, the devil's work. He unleashes his vitriol on gangsta rap, on explicit lyrics, on the images of scantily clothed women in hip-hop videos, saying they're destroying our youth. The tattoos, the hairstyles, the gold teeth, says Lewis -- they're the mark of Cain. Per Genesis 4, "Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the Lord set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him."  So, gold teeth are a way to let the world know that God has commanded everybody not to mess with you.   Cool! But let's learn more about Lewis and his anti-hip hop ministry: Lewis' sermons have been known to end with young people stomping on rap albums in front of the altar. So far, more than 750,000 rap recordings have been destroyed, said Carmina Barnett, a spokeswoman for EX Ministries, Lewis' ministry in Texas. [...] Lewis declined to talk to the Free Press, but Roderick Williams, his booking agent, said Lewis has traveled to more than 40 cities this year -- typically at the request of churches who pay him to speak -- and said the ministry has come to Detroit because there is a need expressed from clergy. From the sidebar: Business: EX Ministries in Texas. He also sells taped sermons -- "The Truth Behind Hip Hop, Volumes I and II" -- on the Internet. Lewis says he sells 100 DVDs a day on his site,www.exministries.com.] Back to the main story: His ministry says hip-hop sends secret demonic messages to teens that encourage premarital sex, drug use and homosexuality. Okay, I have no problem with people who point out the bad messages contained in some rap songs (some of the glorification of violence and misogyny is pretty appalling).  However, I get a little concerned when I learn that anybody has a paid ministry devoted just to bashing one aspect of the pop culture (it's like being a paid gun who will say anything if it sells). And I get really concerned when I hear anybody talking about "secret demonic messages" found in music.  And although I don't know much about hip hop, it seems to me that while many rap songs overtly condone premarital sex, there really aren't any that "encourage" homosexuality.) Though crowds often attend Lewis' engagements to hear his rants against rap, he often steers away, speaking out against feminism, homosexuality and Rastafarianism. I'm just surprised that the devil doesn't put some of those secret demonic messages in rap to encourage kids to become feminists. Our second sermon comes Doug Giles.  His column this week is about the mess in Toledo; in it he takes the bold position that neo-Nazis are idiots, and that looting and rioting are bad.  But Doug gives this message his own unique spin, which is why he's our favorite online pastor, except for Pastor Swank. Here are my favorite bits.  Look, I understand getting ticked off and wanting to mess someone up.  I feel that way at Starbucks every morning when I’m standing behind a JLo wannabe who uses nine words to order her coffee.  It’s all I can do to keep from pile driving her skull with a big French coffee press from their display rack for eating into my schedule and for polluting the atmosphere with her preening self-love.  Yes, every morning Pastor Giles wants to attack women in Starbucks who waste a couple of his precious seconds by taking too long to order their coffee.  When you add this to Doug's lip-licking anticipation as he waits for somebody to get too close to his house or car so he can legally blow their brains all over the concrete, you get the impression of a man with some serious anger issues.  (If any state or Federal group is putting together a data base of potential Charles Whitmans, I certainly hope Doug's name is on the list). And please, don’t give me this “poverty made me do it” bovine scatology.  I was watching cable news the other night and one guy with a PhD, which I think in his case stands for “Piled High and Deep,” stated that the riots were caused by the frustration that arises out of lack.  Oh yeah?  Well, call me strange, but when I was a very broke young guy just starting out with no one helping me, riotous looting—even as a former rowdy, heavy- drinking drug user—was not on my to-do list if I was running low on green backs.  Yeah, when Doug was a very broke young guy who was low on green backs, he didn't loot, he just resorted to dealing drugs and burglary.  So clearly if Doug didn't loot, then there is no excuse for anyone else to do it either.  Kids, if I may get personal here, when I was a very broke young girl just starting out with nobody helping me, riotous looting was not on my to-do list.  Neither was dealing drugs.  Nor burglary.  No, I just buckled down, worked hard, and made some money by doing contract hits for the mob.  Learn from my example -- and just say no to looting! And here's how Doug avoided a life as a poor black child: Oddly enough, I got my butt in gear, got an education, went to work and started slogging it out.  And found a comfy niche as a pastor.  Speaking of which, here are some of Doug's rules that parishioners should follow in regard to their pastor: Do not call him every day to discuss your dorky problems. We all have problems. Suck it up. Be self-motivated. You shouldn't need a cheerleader to rouse you in the morning. If you do, then get some Tony Robbins tapes. Lose you codependency upon your pastor and other church leaders. Grow up, Dinky. [...] Send him, once a year, on the church's dime, to D.C., a serious worldview conference, and on a month's paid vacation. Stock his library with the history of the Jews, of Rome, of Greece, and of Western Civilization. Make sure he is able to study four hours a day and exercise one hour a day. Do not call him after 9 pm unless one of your relatives or friends happens to have passed away. So, let that be a lesson to you, people of Toledo: instead of looting, follow Doug's example and become a pastor.  It's easy work, the hours are good, and it doesn't require any compassion or empathy for others.  Or, try burglary and drug dealing -- if they're good enough for Pastor Doug, they're good enough for you. 1:28:29 AM

Huh? I guess I just don't get The Corner. THE RIGHT WILL HAVE [KJL] what Katie Holmes is having... Posted at 09:37 AM The Right will have Tom Cruise's illegitimate baby?  Um, okay. 12:03:53 AM