April Fool's Townhall
In honor of the holiday most associated of Townhall.com, that "one-stop mall of ideas," allow me to present a special edition of Townhall Review. Speciall, in that this time I give you TWO quotes from each columnist:. Some of the quotes are fake, some are real, and some are by other people. Can YOU figure out which is which? The answers will appear at the bottom of the piece. (Note: the summaries of the columns are, as always, true and accurate representations of the authors' work, more or less.)
Marve, editor of World Magazine and cofounder of the World Institute of Journalism ("injecting an evangelical bias into the news in order to hasten the apocalypse"), instructs us on how to write good. To do this, he quotes from The Elements of Style, which, as the non-evil Roger Ailes pointed out, is recommended reading at the WJI, while The New Thought Police by Tammy Bruce is REQUIRED reading.
A. Prayer is a daily, daily, if not an hourly part of my job here. In my entire life, I cannot separate my faith from my profession. If I did, I wouldn't be in this profession. I wouldn't have had the success that I've had. I think it's a gift, and I can tell when I'm in tune with the Lord. Circumstances just happen. Stories just fall into my lap. I kid you not. Stories just fall into my lap when I'm in tune with the Lord.B. Young writers need true friends, teachers and editors who are willing to make them cry.
Emmett, editor of American Spectator (where they hate Bill Clinton like it's 1999), tells us that John Kerry is a "second-tier" candidate, and recommends he be dumped in favor of a first-tier one like Hillary Clinton so Emmett can use all that Scaife-funded "research" about Hillary putting crack in Girl Scout cookies, and holding black masses in the Little Rock govenor's mansion.
A. Now, the French-looking senator is again in the public eye, and what that eye perceives it obviously does not like: the macho candidate ostentatiously purchasing an athletic supporter (size large!), the vacationing skier taking spills on the slopes and bellowing, "I don't fall down."
B. Moreover, everyone knows that throughout her marriage, Mrs. Clinton has been involved in intimidating and buying off the various victims of her husband's inflamed libido; a job made immeasurably easier by the Secret Service assistance. This will be a major factor in her decision to seek the presidency.
Michelle, whose gimmick is being a child of immigrants who hates foreigners, discusses "National People's Action," the pro-immigrant's rights group that made Karl Rove cry (he said it was his teenage son and his son's friend, but we heard it was Karl) by pounding on his windows:
A. A more accurate description is left-wing goon squad. This nationwide organization is made up of professional grievance-mongers.B. Now Rove knows how millions of ordinary Americans -- who don't have Secret Service protection -- feel when illegal invaders overrun their homes and darken their doors.
Brent, who watches TV for a living, tells us that the lying liberal media is promoting the treasonous idea that idea that 9/11 wasn't all Clinton's fault.
A. But how could you take Brokaw's questioning seriously after knowing that he sat on the story of Richard Clarke's "questionable personal life"? Doesn't the media have a responsibility to report on the moral failings of those who would criticize a wartime President?B. This increasingly partisan 9-11 Commission issue is being played up by the TV news elite as a way to make the American people forget the Bush Administration's record in dismantling al Qaeda.
Jonah, the product of the unholy confluence of Lucianne Goldberg and Kenneth Starr, recommends delaying the Iraqi election until the Iraqis aren't on the brink of civil war, or until Star Trek technology can make a rock-creature Abraham Lincoln to be their president -- whichever comes first.
A. Elections aren't any more inherently moral or useful than a hammer. I can use a hammer to build a house or to smack you in the forehead (which could also be moral if you're doing something very bad to provoke me).B. I am looking forward to an orderly election, which will eliminate the need for a violent blood bath.
6. Ben Shapiro
Ben, whose gimmick is being young, pious, and whiny, tells us how the College Republicans won a big victory at UCLA by having the old Republicans fight their battles for them.
A. They're young, and the party needs to keep an infusion of young people and young ideas if we're going to recruit more members and get new candidates and have a brighter future
B. College Republicans, meanwhile, have the energy, if not the money, to do serious damage to liberal dominance on campus.
7. Larry Elder
Larry, whose gimmick is being a conservative black man, brings us the news that John Kerry is unlikable, as demonstrated by an alleged incident in which Kerry forgot somebody's name. Unlikable people never wins the presidency. Oh, and Kerry also said a bad word!
A. Republicans equal: crooks-liars-warmongers-environmental-rapists and protectors-of-friends-in-high-places.B. I want to be sure he is a ruthless son of a bitch, that he will do what he's told, ... that he will go after our enemies and not our friends. Now, it's as simple as that. If he isn't, he doesn't get the job.
Kathleen, whose gimmick consists of being a bitch, tried to counter the pursuasive case Peanut made at Sadly, No! for Georgie being gay.
A. You see President George W. Bush whacking brambles at his Texas ranch, jogging sweat-streaked through blistering heat, chopping wood - all universally recognized as manly tasks, even if performed by a former cheerleader.B. They say you can learn a lot about a man by engaging him in sports. Plenty of businessmen play golf expressly for this purpose. Get a man out on the green and find out what he's made of. Or across the net for a few sets of tennis. Or in a duck blind if, say, you've got an important Supreme Court case hanging in the balance.
9. Ann Coulter
Ann, whose gimmick is being a man pretending to be a woman pretending to be a man, details how 9/11 was the fault of Democrats -- as proven by her totally factual timeline. From it you can see that Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton didn't take any real action against our swarthy, Muslim enemies, while Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush killed people every chance they got -- so obviously no blame for 9/11 can be attributed to them. George H. Bush was a sissy Republican, so he's kind of a wash.
A. Guns are our friends. God made man and woman; Colonel Colt made them equalB. It would be a much better country if women did not vote. That is simply a fact. In fact, in every presidential election since 1950 - except Goldwater in '64 - the Republican would have won, if only the men had voted
Answers:
1. "A" was said by former WJI guest instructor Jack Kelley. (Now does the part about "Stories just fall in my lap when I'm in tune with the Lord" see extra-inspirational?) However, "B" is from Marve -- I don't think I want to attend that WJI workshop now.
2. "A" is Tyrell. "B" is made up.
3. They're both Michelle.
4. "A" is made up, "B" is Brent.
5. "A" is Jonah, "B" is Kodos.
6. "A" is Al Rantel, the talk-radio host who urged his listeners to threaten to UCLA until they gave the College Republicans a big break on the price of their little convention. "B" is young Ben himself.
7. "A" is Larry, "B" is Richard Nixon.
8. Both "A" and "B" are Kathleen.
9. Both are quotes from Ann, but from a Guardian interview from last year that I like better than her column.
Bonus Ann Stuff
Since April Fool's Day is also a day to honor Ann, here are the lyrics to a song recommended to us by our friend David E.:
MY CONSERVATIVE GIRLFRIEND
words and music by Roy Zimmerman
© 1995 Watunes (BMI)
(From "Folk Heroes" on Reprise Records)--------------------------------------------------------------------------------She's a real Type A
And she's over-insured
Her favorite castaway
Is Thurston Howell, the third
She doesn't like big government so it's no surprise
I can be her lover long as I downsizeMy conservative girlfriend
Got a tiny little heart full of passion
My conservative girlfriend
Every Friday we go liberal bashin'She got the Supreme Court
Tattooed on her rump
Beside an autographed port-
rait of Donald Trump
And from the day I checked her out from front to back
I knew her private sector could take up the slackMy conservative girlfriend
Got a tiny little heart full of passion
My conservative girlfriend
Every Sunday we go Medicare slashin'(spoken)
Oh, baby, I close my eyes and I can see you ordering breakfast.
You're having the spotted owl omelet...
Whites only.
Come on, baby,
Raise my interest rate, bust my union, light my library fire...(sung)
She only deals in quality narcotics and guns
Got a Mexican wallet made from real MexicansMy conservative girlfriend
Got a tiny little heart full of passion
My conservative girlfriend
Her white collar and her red neck are clashin'
My conservative girlfriend
Think she's lookin' for a good tongue lashin'
My conservative girlfriend
Every summer we go wilderness trashin'
And here are a couple of magazine covers featuring Ann, which Ivan from Thrilling Days of Yesteryear pointed us to, and which we loved:
So, in conclusion, Happy April Fools Day. As they say in Texas, Fool me once, um, won't get fooled again.
6:09:05 AM
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