March 23, 2004 by s.z.

She's Got to Get Help Before She Makes A Pass At Bill O'Reilly! Doug at George Must Go provides a photo gallery to rub the faces of the conservatives into the fact that the Democrats have all of the hot babes.  (And that's probably enough talk about rubbing for today.) But it is also a fact that the Right does have some reasonably attractive women on their side.  Like, for instance, Rebecca Hagelin, a Heritage Foundation VP and columnist for TownHall and WorldNetDaily. But since the guys on the Republican side are, almost to a man, rather repellent (not to mention what their souls look like), how do they manage to get women like Rebecca to go out with them? Rush Limbaugh has apparently found the answer in an item he calls Parade: Conservative Babes Seek Manson-Types. Walter Scott's column in Parade magazine, to me, is insulting to you ladies out there. I don't know how many of you read this magazine. Scott, a big, big, big, big lib, gets questions from people about celebrities. His answers to questions about me have been way off, so I stopped reading.  In the March 14th issue, he answered the following question from a guy in Indiana: "Both Menendez brothers got married in prison, and I read that accused murderer Scott Peterson is inundated with love letters and proposals. Why do these guys appeal to women?" Scott's answer: "'For certain very upright, conservative women, convicts appeal to their forbidden sexual fantasies,' says Michael Crocker, a psychotherapist who specializes in sexual disorders. 'We call such women 'love avoidants,' because their fantasy of an inaccessible man is more appealing than the reality of an actual relationship with an available partner.' In layman’s terms: Some women just don’t like to have their man around the house." Conservative babes are not fantasizing about the Charles Mansion population of America! Hey, if Rush doesn't read Walter Scott's column, how does he know about the March 14th column?  Well, maybe the NRO Corner's Kathryn Jean tipped him off, since she had the same reaction -- outrage-- to the psychotherapist's use of the world "conservative."   But who made Rush an expert on "conservative babes" and what they think about when making love to their conservative spouses?  (Who knows what naughty fantasties lurk in the hearts of women?  The RUSH know!)    I've had enough experience with psychobabble to understand this love avoidants business, but what is this "conservative women" business? You trying to tell me that the women on the Menendez jury were conservatives? What is this "very upright, conservative women, convicts appeal to their forbidden sexual fantasies"? Come on, folks. This man will appear on Oprah. Innocent people have no clue that they're being inundated with partisan, political rhetoric. They read this stuff and think that it's actually got some meaning to it.  Yes, Rush HAS had a lot of experience with psychobabble -- remember lines like "the media is enabling liberal Democrats to continue to engage in harmful behavior for themselves," and "this feminazi instructor who has got all this trauma in her past and is taking it out on you. What she's doing is burdening you with her shame"?   And he also probably knows a lot about love avoidants ("Not tonight, Rush -- I have a headache and I hate you").  Plus, he heard all the sad, titillating stories from the  sex addicts in his therapy group at Rehab Ranch. But while he may deny that some repressed women find the idea of love with a dangerous man (who is safely in jail) exciting, he can't deny that there is something weird going on with Rebecca Hagelin.  Here's the opening to her column from a couple of weeks ago:  So now I know the power of Rush Limbaugh. I don't just know about it – I mean I have actually felt it. Um, too much information, Rebecca! Anyway, that caught Rush's attention, and he read her column on the air, getting all giggly and schoolgirlish in the process. "Now," Ms. Hagelin writes, "I've been a Rush fan long been a Rush fan. After all it was Rush..." Well, I don't want to read about that. "Rush Limbaugh is a true American hero." This is the second-to-last 'graf. "Rush Limbaugh is a true American hero and not just because he feels like one. Rush ranks right up there with Superman because armed only with only a microphone and his intellect," combined with his high school pranks, "he daily punches..." I threw that in. "He..." It's going to be one of these days. It's going to be one of these giddy days. Warning. "He daily punches the lights out of lightweight liberals and their deadly orthodoxy but Rush ain't no marriage counselor." (laughing) "So husbands and wives of America, look to Rush to help you save your country, but look at Dr. Laura to help you save your love. Kisses, Rush," is how it ends. That's Rebecca Hagelin Okay, Rebecca is fairly cute (although evil, of course -- and married).  What makes her publicaly flirt with a pudgy, obnoxious, nerd like Rush?  In my opinion, some kind of emotional problem is operating here here.  Of course, not the same one that causes women to mail naked photos of themselves to sexy murderers like Richard Ramirez and Ted Bundy, but perhaps a subconscious desire to punish herself for working for an evil enterprise like the Heritage Foundation. And she's at it again this week, but with a different right-wing pundit as her target.  Yes, this time she's metaphorically (at least, as far as I know) throwing her panties at Sean Hannity:    Sean Hannity is the Real Deal [snip] In a word, Sean Hannity is ... adorable. There, I said it. Might as well get right out there in the open for all the world to read. Sean is intelligent, genuinely kind, correct on the issues ... and drop-dead gorgeous. And what red-blooded conservative woman thinks otherwise? Yes, I am happily married and madly in love with my husband, Andy, of nearly 20 years. And my hubby, good sport that he is, loves to tease me anytime I might be attending a meeting or event with the handsome Hannity. "You're not going to see him again, are you?" he laments in his most dramatic impersonation of a "worried" Wendy Whiner. The truth be known, Andy loves Sean too. Although I have to admit, I've never heard him refer to Hannity as adorable. (Thank the Lord.) Well, Sean is possibly more physically attractive than Rush, but "drop-dead gorgeous"???  Somebody is seriously delusional here.  Sure, Rebecca's husband may have some problems (of which, loving Sean Hannity is probably just the most disturbing), but she has to find a healthier outlet for her sexual frustrations.  Until she gets the psychotherapy which she needs, she HAS to stay away from Fox News, A.M. radio, and "The Dennis Miller Show."  Or the results could be horrific -- a child with Hagelin/Bob Novak genes. 11:56:23 PM

Donate to TownHall Or Michelle Malkin Will Get Medieval on Your Ass What can I do? In the four years that I have been privileged enough to appear on Townhall.com, one of the most frequent questions readers have asked me is "What can I do?" What can I do to fight back against political correctness? Against intrusive government? Against multicultural rot? Against liberal media arrogance? Against the Hollyweirdos? And, most recently, against post-Sept. 11 apathy? What can YOU, a single TownHall reader, alone, as it were, in the vast universe thing, do to change things?  Why, you could start a letter-writing campaign -- yeah, that would help.  And you could organize a bake sale.  Or here's an idea: toss a little Cajun spice into the party mix and watch the fun.  Put on a one-man show and talk about your true inner feelings in an emotionally charged, gut-wrenching, autobiographical account of your warped adolescence, and then watch the grant money come in.  Police the lives of those around you and get your sensibilities way the heck outta whack! Parade up and down the street in your underwear. Impose your ideas on others -- it's easy!  Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look.  You do it!  It's up to you. I'm passin' the buck to you. Now I've got commercial sign.* Oh, and to counter mulicultural rot, Heloise recommends wiping down your muliculture with a solution of chlorine bleach and warm water, and then leaving it in the sun to dry. To fight back against political correctness, you could rebel by being excedingly polite.  As our old friend Emily Post says, "Understanding of, and kind-hearted consideration for the feelings of others are the basic attributes of good manners."  So, if you are kind and considerate of the feelings of others, and do your gentlemanly or gentlewomanly best to avoid causing offense, then you can just ignore political correctness and it will probably ignore you in return. And just how CAN we fight against the Hollyweirdos, who force us to care about their immoral antics by appearing in The National Enquirer?  Foreign mercenaries would be my suggestion.  And bombings seems to work well to combat post-September 11 apathy -- just try to avoid the intrusive goverment that always wants to poke its nose into those kinds of things. But Michelle probably has other suggestions: Here's an opportunity to take action and show your support for one of the conservative movement's most valuable gathering sites on the Internet-or anywhere else, for that matter! Townhall.com provides a daily, must-read forum for an A-team of writers and thinkers who do hand-to-hand combat with the Left. Yes, it's the TownHall A-Team!  With George F. Will as Col. Hannibal Smith!  Rich Lowry as "Faceman" Peck!  Doug "Crack Night in the Ferret Hut" Giles as "Howling Mad" Murdock!  And Michelle Malkin as B.A. Baracus -- I pity the fool who messes with her!  Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune.  If you have a problem with the Left, if no one else can help you deal with Hollyweirdos, and if you can find them sober, then maybe you can hire the TownHall A-Team to do some hand-to-hand combat for you.  With special guest star Boy George. From the thousands of e-mails I've received over the years, I know firsthand that Townhall.com visitors - from homeschoolers to gun owners to pro-life activists to college students to security moms to longtime Republican Party activists to new converts to the cause - are among the brightest, most well-informed, and energetic conservatives in America. Do take a moment to support Jonathan's drive to keep the Internet fair and balanced.  Let's take up the left's challenge: Bring it on! Well, I am a regular Townhall.com visitor, and I don't fall into any of Michelle categories -- but I am thinking about becoming a gunschooling, party activist, mom owner.  Oh, and shouldn't somebody report Michelle to the Fox News lawyers for copyright violation?  But  yes, donating money to Townhall is the best way to fight the left -- because nothing scares us as much as those weekly columns by Jonah "Millhouse" Goldberg, Thomas "Kidneys 'R Us" Sowell, Kathleen "Bitches 'R Us" Parker, Dennis "Unlicensed Parody" Prager, Mike "Everybody's Persecuting Me" Adams, Doug "Luscious Tree of Freedom" Giles, and the Virgin Ben.  PLEASE don't throw us in the briar patch with them! ============== *  Most of that speech stolen from Crow T. Robot's "Am I Qualified?" Soliloquy, as delivered after watching THE classic film about how bad driving helps Hitler and damns your soul to hell, "X Marks the Spot." 4:51:19 AM

'CHILLING' POSTER SCARING CHILDREN Angela Kelly, a mother from Lincolnshire, England, has complained that a poster for Dawn of the Dead which pictures a "dead" girl should be taken down because it's scaring youngsters. The girl pictured in the poster is "meant to have risen from the dead as a zombie."  The storyline of the film "revolves around the dead coming back to life and eating the living." "It is absolutely horrendous and really disturbing," she said. "Children will be really scared by it. It is such a frightening image, the girl has piercing eyes. We try to avoid driving past it now." Mrs Kelly has complained to the Advertising Standards Authority. "It makes me so angry that these posters go up without any thought to anyone's feelings," she said. We understand and sympathize with Mrs. Kelly's feelings, and commend her from trying to spare innocent children from such a horrendous sight. (Okay, here's a link to the real poster.  But I promise you that Ann is scarier.) 3:06:10 AM