Ann for a DayIn a piece called Liberalism is Unpatriotic, young master Kyle Williams tries out for the position of Ann Coulter's understudy: Eve Harrington to her Margo Channing, Roy Cohn to her Joe McCarthy. And while he has many of Ann's techniques down cold, he's still missing that extra touch of slimness and venom that makes Ann Ann. But let's study his work, and see if we can help him improve.
Okay, I admire the way he started out with a strawman (Why must Bush critics concur with what Hillary said in 2003? Because Kyle said so -- and watch him prove them wrong!) And Hillary bashing is always a nice touch. But in order to be properly Coultereque, Kyle should have said something about how Bill sold secrets to the Chinese while raping Juanita, as Hillary performed abortions on unwilling Christian teens. And then sneered about how they weren't patriots as they looted the White House art to fund their opium smuggling ring.
It's almost Ann-like the way he presents unsubstantiated allegations (WHICH socialist actors are complaining about blacklisting?), lies (neither Hillary Clinton nor politician "like her" are complaining of right-wing conspiracies), and irrelevancies (a caller to Matt Drudge's show said something stupid -- big whoop). But here's how Ann might have done the latter paragraph: In Hollywood, where they give standing ovations whenever Leni Riefenstahl's name is mentioned on Oscar night, socialist actors complain of being blacklisted, even though they are such America-hating cretins that they think that Joe McCarthy had something to do with the Hollywood blacklist, when of course he didn't, as he was too busy keeping Truman from selling our nuclear codes to the USSR at the time. And anyway, blacklisting was much better than those Stalin-loving, mass-murderers deserved. And Tim Robbins, who never met an American flag he didn't spit on, now cries to his mommy-figure, Susan Sarandon, about how nobody likes him just because he's a traitor. On Capitol Hill, Hillary Clinton's secret cell of Satan-worshipping accolytes have been blackmailed into following her lead and making ridiculous claims about "Vast Right-Wing" conspiracies hiding in their closets. Just what would these "Right-Wing conspiracies do to them anyway: make them stop scooping out the brains of babies, or force them to touch a Bible? And so on -- it's making my head hurt to write like Ann, so I'm going to quit now. Anyway, the gist of young Kyle's arguement is that the libs are whining about being underdogs, which is ludicrous, because they have the schools, the courts, the media, and "a billion-dollar political machines on their side." And despite their constant boo-hooing about being called unpatriotic, nobody actually ever does that to them. Because it wouldn't be nice, and conservatives are nice, above all. And what does "patriotism" mean anyway? Since nobody has ever bothered to define it before, as a public service, Kyle does. It turns out that it means "a love of the people of the nation and a love of the land. America is home, and Americans are fellow citizens. Home is not France or Germany, and fellow citizens are not Germans or Frenchmen." So, if you marry a German, you're not a patriot. If you like French toast or French kissing, you're not a patriot. If you care in any way about the rest of the world (what they think, what happens to them, etc.), you're not a patriot. To prove your patriotism, you should be willing to nuke them all right now.
So, if you want to abolish slavery, let women vote, or impose an income tax, then you aren't a patriot. And it also turns out that "Modern-day liberalism – which is really socialism or eventually communism," is, by it's very (Kyle-written) definition, unpatriotic, because communists like Russia better than America, and so come in conflict with Statute One of the "Kyle Williams Patriot Act." And even some Republicans are unpatriotic, because they don't believe in strict Constitutionalism, and won't let Oklahoma choose The Passion of the Christ as their state religion, even though David Limbaugh and Alan Keyes insist that the Constitution says it's their right. Although Kyle doesn't give any figures, I think the number of true patriots in America must be small: maybe only Kyle, his family (except his older brother, who always teases Kyle), the members of his church, the people on his buddy list, the members of the John Birch Society, and Rush Limbaugh.
While "no mainstream conservative" may have used that exact word, I get 2850 Google hits (one of them being a copy of Kyle's column, and the associated admiring comments, posted at Free Republic) when I search for "Hillary Clinton" and "unpatriotic." And yes, Kyle, patriotism has meaning, but you don't get to make up that meaning -- at least, not until you grow up and buy a dictionary company of your own. Or until you go Through the Looking Glass:
So, nice try, but no Adam's apple. And one more suggestion: instead of calling this column "Liberalism is Unpatriotic," you should have called it Child Molesting: How Liberals Destroy American by Not Agreeing With Me. THAT would get Ann's attention! 5:25:35 AM |
Next Time On the WSJ's Opinion Page: "Michael Jackson Has Rights Too," By His Lawyer
Oh, if only Rush hadn't bravely announced that he was an addict, then no one would have known and he would have been spared all this persecution ... except that that the prosecution actually became interested in him when his former dealer ratted him out. That there was the big National Enquirer expose -- which surely added some impetus to their investigation. So, while Roy wants to make it seem that Rush was savaged when he courageously admitted his addiction, the fact that Rush only courageously admitted it after everybody already knew kind of undercuts that part of the martyrdom story.
They weren't lauded by RUSH, were they? Anyway, "The answer to this disparity is not to start letting people out of jail because we're not putting others in jail who are breaking the law. The answer is to go out and find the ones who are getting away with it, convict them and send them up the river, too."
The "traffickers" (Rush's former housekeeper and her husband) were given immunity so they could testify about the people from whom they bought the drugs -- you know, the big fish. It's a standard prosecution ploy, and you know it, Roy. So, yes, you are wrong to wonder. But you're getting paid huge legal fees do it, so be my guest. I just wonder who's paying off the WSJ's editorial page staff. (Oh, and I like how the "traffickers" just "supposedly" supplied Rush with drugs -- it's the mark of a good lawyer that he never admits his client's guilt about ANYTHING when writing an editorial.)
Um, even though none of theories matter (and so you didn't need to mention them in the first place), couldn't one of those theories be "Because the prosecutor believes Rush is guilty of a crime, and it's his job to prosecute crimes"?
Which Rush does, of course. So, Rush is using his millions to hire nationally-known defense lawyers to represent every addict being investigated for drug-related offenses.
They never said that Rush was suspected of drug trafficking, they said he was being investigated in connection with a drug trafficking ring -- you know, that ring that sold the painkillers to Rush's housekeeper in the parking lot, so she could keep him supplied in what he called "little blues" in that email. And Rush admitted to the elements which compose the crime of money laundering on his radio show (but that was before he hired you, Roy, so you can't be blamed). And if he wasn't doctor shopping, then his doctors were "rich addict patient shopping," because there was obviously something very wrong if he was getting hundreds of pain killers a month. Hey, that sounds like the kind of thing a prosecutor should investigate! My bottom line: I believe that a subpoena should be required for medical records. I also believe that the Palm Beach State's Attorney's office has leaked stuff to the media which it shouldn't have. However, because I am so annoyed with the WJS for letting Roy use their forum for an obviously partisan purpose (and allowing him to misrepresent the facts while futhering that end), that if Rush's case every goes to trial and I am somehow called as a juror (after I move to Palm Beach County), I would have to find Roy Black guilty of murder or something. So I can get on with MY life. 12:52:16 AM |
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