September 27, 2004 by s.z.

TV: Some Thoughts On the Subject From a Blogger

Hey, it makes a change from talking about people talking about blogging.  (Later today I will try to do a piece on the meaning of what the other bloggers are saying about the NY Times Mag piece on bloggers -- along with a post designed to capture the interest of Wonkette, blogging's first sex symbol, if you don't count Glenn Reynolds.  And nobody does.)

Anyway, here are some random thoughts about some TV programs I've watched this week.

1.  Bill O'Reilly on "60 Minutes

In case you missed it, you can read a good summary of it here.  We, however, made sure we watched it because we hoped that Mike Wallace would make Bill's head explode. Alas, no. But here are some other highlights.

• Bill's "folks" are Pennsylvania coalminers.  Unlike Maria Shriver, who began her career as an anchorwoman in Los Angeles (because HER name is Maria Shriver), Bill had to start his career in Scranton, painting houses for those miners (or whatever his Horatio Alger story was).  I was that glad that Mike Wallace indicated in a voice-over that  Shriver started in Philadelphia as a low-level assistant.  I bet Bill challenges Mike to a duel for that.

Bill told "60 Minutes" that "over 20 million people a week watch the show."  However, the Nielsen ratings indicate that Bill's show gets an average of 2.7 million viewers a night.  To simplify the math (and give Bill every possible break), let's say 3 million viewers.  It comes on five times a week.  5 times 3 million is 15 million, not "over 20."  But even more crucial is that there aren't 20 million people who watch his show a week, there are probably 1.5 million who watch it several times a week, and maybe another 3 million who watch it once a week.  That's not 20 million either.  But hey, I'm probably just one of those "character assassins" like Al Franken (people who call Bill a liar really make him mad -- you know, because he is one).

Bill is a journalist while Rush Limbaugh is just an "entertainer."  You can tell the difference because Bill hasn't inspired a "Law & Order" ep yet.

2.  The Rush Limbaugh "L&O: Criminal Intent" story

For the season debut of "CI" they ripped the Rush Limbaugh story from the headlines.  Yes, it was about a radio guy who is addicted to Oxycontin, which he makes his maid get for him, which  causes him to lose his hearing.  Except, this time he died!  Oh, and to make Rush sympathetic, he was actually Howard Stern, as played by Fisher Stevens.

And, like all of the L&O eps for the past few years, it actually had little to do with the headlines it was ripped from (it was really about obsession).  But still, it was pretty entertaining, mostly because of the acting.  Unlike ...

3.  The Abu Ghraib "L&O" Story

Lyndie England gets ripped from the headlines and murdered.  Her killer tries a really stupid legal defense and gets convicted.  In the course of the case, we learn that too much was made of the Abu Ghraib abuses; that 90% of the people in the prison were guilty of major crimes against Americans -- and if they weren't, they were quickly released; and that if you live here, this war is for you!

We also learned that we hate Lennie's replacement (Dennis Farina), who is an annoying know-it-all "tough guy."  We learned that we still hate Serena, and that we hate D.A. Branch more than ever (it's not politics so much as his alleged "folksy charm" and his inability to act).  Oh, and we hate the writers, for giving the defense of the "liberal" point of view to Serena, who could make an argument against letting Halliburton kill orphans for their organs seem lame.  And we hate Dick Wolf for assuming that we viewers won't care that he brought back Elisabeth Rohm, an actress who makes the side of a barn seem expressive, because we'll be so distracted by her short skirts. 

Oh, and we're getting tired of McCoy, who just seems like a jerk these days.  In fact, the only characters who don't seem to annoy us are Anita and the coroner.  We think they should defect and start their own show: " L&O: Competent Actors Division."

Okay, as ticked off as we are against "L&O," we love it like a brother compared to ...

4. "CSI: Miami"

We hate "CSI: Miami."  Why do we watch it?  Well, partly because we have nothing else to do Monday nights at 9:00.  But more, we watch it to hate.

When we heard the promo stating that one of the "CSI: Miami" cast would die in the season premiere, we hoped that it would be Horatio Caine.  We hate him with the heat of 1000 suns.  It's one of those satanic confluences of an an annoying actor and an annoying character that together rise above annoyingness to reach, um, hatability. 

We hate the way he talks -- both the way David Caruso reads a line, and the stupid lines they give him to read.  For instance, one his team will say something obvious like, "Hey, a dead body!"  And EVERY TIME Horatio will reply with something portentous and pompous, like "Not dead ... murdered.  And it's our job to catch murderers."  He'll say it like everybody should be thanking him for pointing this out, because they're, like, such idiots that without him they would have thought their job was to wear designer clothes and look hot.  Oh, wait, that IS their job. 

And then crime scene investigator Horatio will single-handedly wrestle a gang of murderous rappers to the ground, and will later later show up at their execution so he can quip something like, "You thought it was cool to hook kids on crack.  Let's see how cool you are in the electric chair, my friend." 

And then he will promise some cute little kid that he, Horatio Caine, will make sure that the kid never gets scared by anything ever again in his life.  And then he will be sadly misunderstood by the Italian supermodel/cop who is the widow of his junkie brother, and spend the last five minutes of the program brooding about how life is, like, so unfair. 

Anyway, like I said, I hoped that Horatio would be the one who died last week.  But I figured that he really wouldn't be, since Miami would presumably be buried under the weight of the inhabitants incompetence if he wasn't there to tell cops that it was their job to catch murderers.  So, I figured that it would be the Italian supermodel/cop who would bite the bullet, because (a) her accent makes her hard to understand, and (b) it would give Horatio a whole season's worth of brooding fodder. 

But no, it turned out to be Speed, the scruffy guy -- the only one on the show with enough smarts (and gumption) to roll his eyes when Horatio gave one of his lectures on what their job is.  A hot young Hispanic man was briefly shown working in the lab -- we presume he will be Speed's replacement.  They should just change the name of the program to "CSI: Supermodels" and be done with it.  Then there wouldn't be any reason at all that the coroner can't show up at crime scenes in a bikini, instead of the skimpy tank tops that she wears now.

5.  Andrew Sullivan, Christopher Hitchens, and Tim Russert in a Bare Room, Talking

I was flipping through the channels, and so only caught a couple of minutes of this.  The premise seemed to be that Sully and Hitch are miss-matched Anglo-American cops who don't play by the rules, and Russ is their crotchety boss who only two days away from retirement. 

Or it was a "scared straight" afterschool special, showing kids what too much alcohol, unprotected sex, and conservatism can do to a person.  (Kids, believe me, you DON'T want this to happen to you!)  

No, wait, it was something about how the Iraqi war has been mismanaged -- but not by that dreamy George Bush.  No, it was Rumsfeld's fault.  George had the right idea -- war -- but those under him let him down by not being warlike enough.  We need to bomb somebody back to the stone age (and vote for George in November), or the terrorists will murder us in our beds.  And then Horatio Caine will win.

6.  That LAX show starring Heather Locklear

I've only seen the promo for this one, but I love it!  I love it because it seems to be a modern-day remake of "San Francisco International," one of my favorite Mystery Science Theater 3000 eps. 

"San Francisco International" was the '70s made-for-TV movie/series pilot featuring Pernell Roberts as a airport administator who didn't play by ther rules.  In the movie, he showed us a typical day in the life of an airport administrator, starting out by telling a plane load of congressmen that they were all going to die in a fiery crash unless they gave him more money, then rescuing pilot David Hartman's wife from Father Tab Hunter, and finally saving Van Johnson's plane-stealing son Davey (and also saving Van's marriage).  I don't think it ever made it to series, which is a real shame.  The MST version is full of great lines about priests gone bad, and troubled teens.  Plus, there's "Tab Hunter.  He hunts people who don't pay their tabs."  You should watch a tape of it this Monday instead of "CSI: Miami."  Or rather, I should.

Anyway, in the promo I saw for "LAX International," Blair Underwood from "LA Law" (he must specialize in TV shows with "LA" in the title) has to fly a plane, even though he's just the guy who makes sure the airport is fully stocked with the federally required minimum of Starbucks.  I think Heather has to talk him down.  It looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!
   

So, that's my TV report for the week.  I hope you found it helpful, and that it gets me a profile in the next NY Times Mag piece about bloggers.

5:13:30 AM