August 12, 2004 by s.z.

As I Predicted From an email I received yesterday: Subj: The GOP Welcomes Peggy Noonan As An Honorary Team Leader  Date: 8/10/2004 8:43:42 PM Mountain Standard Time From: gopteamleader@gopteamleader.com To: World O'Crap  . . . Last week Peggy Noonan, former Reagan speechwriter and a brilliant conservative journalist, decided to take an unpaid leave of absence from her position at the Wall Street Journal to, in her words, "support the Republican Party in the coming and crucial election." As you can imagine, we're all delighted that Peggy has decided to join Team Leaders like you in winning the most important election of our lifetime. Her decision mirrors YOUR own sacrifice and commitment to helping President Bush and his Republican agenda! Damn it, if Peggy gets made an "honorary Team Leader" just because she was let go from the WSJ (and because she used to be Reagan's remora), while I had to EARN the position by filling out an email form, then there is something wrong with the system!  I refute the idea that Peggy's decision to tell the Bush/Cheney campaign how to do their jobs mirrors MY commitment to Bush and his Republican agenda, and because I am outraged at this blatant act of cronyism, I hereby refuse to forward this email to my team and earn 5 GOPoints. But here is a Deep Thought by Jack Handey: Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. 7:46:50 AM

Carnival of the WingNuts Featuring many of your favorites, many with nougat centers. 1.  Kerry Marsala While  Sadly, No! features Kerry's sexy column about the differences between men and women, Wo'C has the NEW Kerry piece, a back-to-school special entitled "Can America Keep Her Fresh Box of Crayons?" (While you may think from the title that Kerry is asking if Ben Shapiro can keep his crayon in the carton, it's really about how having too many school activities will cause America's education system to become like Iraq's.) We start with a look at America's deluxe classrooms: The educator's, whether public or private, have classrooms with both air conditioning and heat, and they have aligned their student's desks and chairs to face them. Aligning the desks so the children face the a/c and heat is an old interrogation trick the educator's picked up from Joe Friday. Kerry then contrasts these well-equipped American schools, with their filing cabinets, drinking fountains, and "a teacher's lounge that includes a microwave/stove and vending machines for sodas/snacks," with Iraqi schools under Saddam. Their former leader, Saddam Hussein, had seen to it that no one received an education that was well rounded. The people of Iraq, under the former regime, had been educated--- educated in hate, as have many of the countries under tyrannical rule. Education for children was teaching: How to Strap On a Suicide Bomb (101). The next session taught was how to walk into the town square and kill the most people. This course came under the heading of: How to Receive Free Money for Your Family (102). Education of children was teaching them the way to properly behead a captive while proclaiming the name "Allah" as they ruthlessly slice their way through blood and screams of their victim. For centuries children who have lived under the horror of a dictator have been taught hatred. If anyone wants to rule a country with a fist of fury all a person or group has to do is fill the children's daily educational needs with social ideologies. I'm not sure where Kerry picked up her info on the old Iraqi curriculum, but far be it from me to question the veracity of a woman who knows how to rule a country with a Bruce Lee movie. As we move forward together as a nation who believes in "the pushing up of people, not the pulling down of the masses" may all be reminded of the symbolism in opening that fresh box of crayons. America's independence as a "Nation under God" needs to remember we are never more than a generation away from loosing all we hold so dear. If we continue to be divisive, stir up strife, envy, wrath, and hatred America will no longer be the land of the free.  Yes, as America's independence opens that box of crayons, I too hope it recalls the symbolism involved.  Said symbolism being: if you're an under-performing teal blue or mulberry, you can easily be replaced by a fresh-faced, eager young jazzbery jam or mango tango. 2.  Wo'C reader and friend David E. advises us to check out Wo'C fave Jen "Pinky" Shroder, whose column "Congressional Gang Rape of America" appears at Young Conservatives.com, "The domain of young conservatism." Jen starts by recycling a metaphor she used back in March: Lady Justice was first violated in the muck and mire of San Francisco when Mayor Newsom openly raped her, breaking the law and forcing gay marriage upon her. The people cried out for Justice, but nobody cared. Liberal judges stood on the sidelines, watching as Lady Justice lay bruised and bloodied, violated over and over again, over 3,000 times. I'm not sure if we should allow the young conservatives to read this kind of figurative language.  Anyway, it didn't end in the mire of San Francisco -- the rapes were soon taking place in the halls of Congress, because the liberal senators wouldn't send forward the Federal Marriage Amendment. As Lady Justice lays bruised and bleeding in the muck of the streets of our nation, watched by liberal Senators and judges unwilling to help her, applauding and "proud" of the perpetrators, many Americans weep. [...]  Not one state voted in favor of gay marriage, forty-two states have specifically passed legislation defining marriage as between a man and a woman, yet four liberal judges in Massachusetts demand the rape spread across the land as gay marriage is forced upon a people unwilling.  Yup, gay marriage is being forced on unwilling people.  As David says, "What will I tell my wife?" As Lady Justice lays bruised and bleeding in the muck of the streets of our nation, watched by liberal Senators and judges unwilling to help her, applauding and "proud" of the perpetrators, many Americans weep. Americans that voted against gay marriage and were usurped. Not to blame the victim, but Lady Justice sure seems to hang out in those mucky streets, doesn't she?  As we said before, if she was raped, she did kind of ask for it by dressing like a slut and associating  with men of ill-repute.  David E. adds that maybe it's time to switch to "the lesser-known statue, Lady Biker Dyke." . 3.  David also points us to an actual young conservative, one Tony Lemaster.  His column is called "Marriage: Designed For Straight People by God."  Tony begins by pointing out that marriage, created by God for Adam and Eve, has been under attack since Eden, but now it's being threatened by  "homosexual marriage," which will be debated by politicians as a secular issue. They have to, lest the ACLU sue them and remove them from power by buying off the right judges (or getting lucky and finding liberal judges that were installed by Democrats to legislate Liberalism from the bench).  But since Tony isn't a politician, merely a "simple citizen," he feels free to point out that the Bible says that homosexuality is wrong.  If the homosexual community is right, and Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed because the inhabitants were inhospitable, then why, pray tell, is it that Lot offering his daughters to be basically raped would have been, apparently, okay?  Why is it that it became an issue of total destruction only after men wanted to screw other men?  Well, if the crime of the City of the Plains was inhospitality to strangers (in that the inhabitants attempted to gang rape Lot's guests), then how would Lot's offering up his daughters to save said strangers (who happened to be visiting angels) mean that the city wasn't punished for its poor treatment of visitors?  But anyway, from what happens later in the chapter, I don't think we're supposed to consider Lot as a role model on how to deal with daughters. Tony discusses some more Bible passages, explains why same-sex marriage should be opposed even if it doesn't effect his marriage ( "It isn’t about you, or me, or Jimmy down the street.  It’s about an institution that God created.")  And then he introduces a "caveat" which he says may  ruffle some "conservative feathers":  I am not sure how, why, or if, homosexual marriage should be banned from a legal perspective.  Maybe in a completely secular government, there is no reason to ban gay marriage, save the people voting to ban it in a majority fashion.  Well, that sounds sensible.  But of course, we apparently don't have a secular goverment, so Tony continues his arguments against same-marriage.    Of course, there are the arguments that allowing homosexual marriage will open the door to allow bestiality, polygamy, and any other form of “marriage” imaginable by sinful minds – mine included; I make no presumptions as to say I live a sin-free life and have perfect, pure thoughts all the time – within our society.  I don’t know if it will or won’t, as cases can be made for both sides of that, all of which are plausible to me.  Well, now that we know that Tony doesn't always have perfect, pure thoughts, I don't know if we can trust his judgment on anything. 4.  This week Doug Giles has abandoned his role as pastor for his role as fiery political activist, as demonstrated by the title of his column: "Middle America, My A**"  It's about how Kerry and Edwards didn't fool Doug by eating at Wendy's -- no, despite their best efforts, Doug can tell that they are NOT middle-class Americans from Middle America (Ohio). Did you see how Kerry held his Wendy’s hamburger?  He looked and handled that Single with cheese like a beaker of someone else’s urine.  Hey, Mr. Kerry, we might earn less in a year than the one of the bathrooms in your four mansions cost, but that doesn’t make us blonde. Doug presumably is an expert on how people look when they handle beakers of other people's urine. As hard as they try and, dear God, they are trying hard … Kerry and Edwards, just don’t have that mid-American feel. Take John Edwards, for instance: no real person smiles that much.  Middle Americans don’t beam that bountifully.  Neither Jesus nor kids stoned on expensive weed grin that much. Since Doug used to be a drug dealer, I concede his experience with kids stoned on expensive weed -- but even though he says he's a pastor, I don't believe Doug really knows that much about Jesus, let alone about His grin frequency. Then Doug discusses Kerry's wife, coming to the startling conclusion that she's not a middle-class American either. Watching and hearing Teresa ooze made me think I was at the Whiskey a Go-Go in the late ‘60’s listening to the front poet before Grace Slick took the stage.  Is it possible Jim Morrison had a secret sister? All the writers for the X-Files, Half-Baked, Evita and The Twilight Zone could never have dreamed up Teresa Heinz Kerry.  She’s neither Middle America nor middle earth. What the heck does this mean?  Well, from what I can gather, Doug is saying that since Teresa is rich and has donated money to liberal causes, she's really weird. Doug then wanders away from his brilliant analysis of hamburger eating and Teresa's "deportment" to pundit about Hollywood, since movie stars apparently aren't middle class Americans either. Ah, Hollywood with it’s swinging clubs and Hustler superstores: where statutory rapists can win an Oscar, where the famous can send their kids to elite high schools where they may attend cross dressing classes, where nannies have support groups to deal with the stress these charmed few generate, and where the head of a prostitution ring can crawl out of prison and be an instant celebrity. Doug has never forgiven Hollywood for failing to give him the role of Dennis Miller's sidekick in Bordello of Blood. Anyway, Doug throws in some Michael Moore bashing and then it's time for that special moment we've been waiting for all week: My ClashPoint is this: John Kerry’s political track record is what you should be eyeballing.  You see, it’s not just his grinning would-be Veep; not his Hollywood hepatitis C crowd; not his Jurassic rock stars.  It’s not even his ‘Nam war films [which we now know Kerry himself shot during staged re-enactments of the action].  It’s what he has stood for, the last two decades, the ultra-left record of his time in the U.S. Senate.  And just what is Kerry's political track record, per Doug? ... he’s the most liberal Senator in the Senate ... And we should believe this because Doug knows so much about other people's urine. 5.  Mystery Wingnut Can you guess who said the following: What I'm telling you is, I think the government ought to allow employers to say to an employee: 'If you want some time off, and work different hours, you're allowed to do so. If you want to accumulate time to spend with your family, spend with your parents, spend for being re-educated, you're allowed to do so.' 5:00:08 AM