August 25, 2004 by s.z.

Family Circus Strangler Today's Cartoon  (See it here): The kids watch the Olympics ONE MORE TIME.  (I no longer feel bad about beating the "Family Circus" prophecy" thing into the ground, since beating things into the ground is what Family Circus is all about.) On the TV, a guy in a black unitard is head-butting El Santo, the masked Mexican wrestler. In front of the TV, Billy has body-slammed Jeffy, and is now trying to choke him.  Jeffy is strangling Billy right back.  A stern Daddy points at Billy's shoe and says, "Knock if off!  Olympic wrestlers don't use the strangle hold." Analysis: I think this has something to do with the unresolved conflict between Dubya and George H.W.; Daddy represents Barbara Bush this time.  But Billy's shoe is obviously a cheap import from China, so maybe this cartoon is about the trade deficit, and the strangle hold that Keds have on the cheap sneakers market.  The Mexican wrestler is probably meant to represent Bush's now-forgotten plan to legalize illegal aliens, and the fact that it doesn't strangle anybody, unlike the young, rowdy Patriot act, means that Keane is in favor of it.  Or maybe today's cartoon is just a retelling of the Biblical story of how Joseph wrestled an angel, choking him to death and burying the body in a shallow grave so God wouldn't find out.  I don't know.  I dropped out of that DeVry program to get my A.A. in Family Circus technology.  Leave me alone! Prediction: Billy (the Bush campaign) and Jeffy (the Swift Boat Vets) will succeed in killing each other.  Daddy (Dick Cheney) will be ticked.  El Santo will become President. Hey, let's see you come up with something beter. 6:09:49 AM

Townhall Vets for Untruth Almost all of the Townhall columnists deal with Unfit for Command and the Swift Boat Vets for Truth allegations today.  The basic column goes something like this: John Kerry (if that IS his real name) lied about being in Cambodia.  In fact, everything he's ever said about his service in Vietnam is probably a lie, including that he was even there -- and if he was there, he was an incompetent, cowardly, brutal killer of children.  Or so claim his best friends, such as John O'Neill. While those who have investigated the claims of the Swift Boat Vets say that their allegations are full of crap, the fact that the media hardly mentions these charges goes to prove that the media is totally biased in favor of Kerry.  Remember how they all spent months covering that Bush/AWOL story?  And in the end, no records were found proving anything one way or the other, and nobody remembered serving with Bush, and so he was vindicated.  Plus, the media never tells you that Kerry was a war protester after he got back from 'Nam, and that he told Congress that some soldiers said they did bad things there.  And yet, in reality, KERRY is the babykiller!  Or so somebody wrote, and it could be true -- we don't have time to check these things out, because that's the media's job.  We just write about them.  And now Kerry wants to do away with the First Amendment.  Yes, he complained to the Federal Election Commission, alleging  that the Bush campaign coordinated with the Swift Boat group.  But President Bush's campaign lawyer, who is working with the Swift group free of charge, says they have freedom of speech -- so Kerry must be a commie if he is trying to shut them up by claiming they have ties to the Bush campaign.  And besides, did Kerry complain to the Commission about Michael Moore?  No!  Anyway, there isn't an iota of truth in Kerry's complaint, and the press should be forbidden from reporting on it.  You know, because of the First Amendment. And hey, Kerry brought all this on himself by serving in Vietnam -- he should have just modestly and unobtrusively (even invisibly, if you will) worked for a reserve unit.  Plus, Kerry never shut down MoveOn.org, so the Swift group is only payback.  And whatever else Ed Gillespie told us to say.  All hail Bush! While that's the generic column, each columist has his or her own unique wingnutty charm. So, let's take a brief look at today's offerings. Ben Shapiro Ben quotes an old Jewish saying which means "measure for measure," and then cites a creepy example of the principle.  It involves a guy who produced animal stomping fetish porn getting crushed by a truck.  Why does Ben seem to know so much about porn?  Meanwhile, Kerry allowed "Section 527 organizations," which are exempt from campaign spending limits, to pour extreme radicalism into the political sphere. Kerry, who controls the political sphere and everything that goes on there, should have stopped these organizations -- by force, if necessary. Jonah Goldberg Jonah stands up for freedom of speech and election fraud. Howard Dean says President Bush should "apologize to the American people" for breaking the law because an unpaid volunteer to a Bush campaign advisory committee appears as one of the talking heads in one of the Swift Boat ads. Of course, the Bush campaign has disavowed any ties, but the media starts from the presupposition that Bush is lying. Only because that's such a safe bet. Debra Saunders Since the Kerry campaign is behind MoveOn.org, then the Swift vets lies are just "a taste of their own medicine." News flash (to The New York Times, which ran its story on the funding behind the anti-Kerry ad on Page One): People who support Bush have paid for the anti-Kerry ads. Not a news flash: People who support Kerry have bankrolled anti-Bush ads. News flash to Debra: Bush Campaign Lawyer Is Advising Swift Boat Group, AP Reports;  Former POW who appeared in anti-Kerry ad resigns from Bush campaign;  Volunteer links Swift Boat anti-Kerry flier to GOP; etc. Linda Chavez The media just won't do what Linda wants it to!  News organizations spent considerable effort to investigate George W. Bush's National Guard service, devoting hundreds of stories to the issue, but they show almost no interest in getting to the bottom of whether Kerry made up stories about his involvement in what would have been an illegal incursion into Cambodia. These are the real leads the media ought to be tracking -- not the obvious distraction of the Swiftvets' purported ties to Republicans. Pat Buchanan Some guy quoted in the O'Neill book alleges that Kerry was derelict in his duties, leading to the death of an innocent Vietnamese child -- O'Neill claims that Kerry later lied about the incident.  So, Kerry may actually be Josef Mengele.  He hasn't released the records to prove that he isn't! Here was a tragedy of war. But it is the contention of O'Neill and Gardner that Kerry bears responsibility for the boy's death. Had he been on the radar, he could have seen the sampan at a distance and ordered the crew to fire a warning shot Brent Bozell The "prestige press" won't tell you anything about Kerry's "Winter Soldier" testimony.  So, you didn't know that he claimed that American soldiers said they had been involved in war crimes.  You've probably never heard anything about William Calley either.  This proves that the press is biased, and that you're an idiot. Reporters are supposed to be our best and brightest creators of the first draft of history, but it somehow befuddles them that Vietnam veterans take this wild testimony about daily commander-sanctioned atrocities by U.S. fighting men as a dramatic smear on their reputations Thomas Sowell More about Kerry's anti-war statements.  Nothing about kidneys. A veteran named William Franke said: "I will tell you in all candor that the only baby killer I knew in Vietnam was John F. Kerry."  Jeff Jacoby The liberal media investigated Bush's (lack of) service with the Texas National Guard, but they just accepted that Kerry got medals and served honorably.  This proves that they are liberal, just like Brent Bozell says.  Brent is an American hero.  I want to be just like Brent when I grow up.  Do you think he likes me? Of course, the proof of the pudding is in the tasting, and for tasting liberal bias in journalism, no one tops the Media Research Center. Founded by conservative activist Brent Bozell in 1987, the MRC has become an indispensable resource for anyone interested in how political attitudes shape news coverage.  Now wasn't that fun?  I bet you're not a bit sick of the Swift Boat vets stuff now!  But a few pundits didn't get (or didn't read) the memo from the Bush campaign, and so wrote about other subjects.  I'm sure they will be severely reprimanded at the next Townhall staff meeting. Dr. Mike Adams Once again, Dr. Mike uses his email outbox for a column.  (Mike, if you push the "send" button you could mail these things to the intended recipient instead of inflicting them on everybody else, you know.)  This time, Mike's victim is a math prof at Rutgers who allegedly wrote a nasty email to a GOPUSA columnist. Dear Professor Levitt (njlevitt@hotmail.com): I am writing to compliment you on the eloquence of your recent response to my friend Mike Bayham, who writes a column for GOPUSA.com. Mike wrote a recent editorial on John Kerry that irritated you so badly you decided to write him with the following response: [Response snipped, because you've seen enough of that kind of thing at Lucianne.com and Free Republic.] Well “NL,” unfortunately for you, Mr. Bayham did an e-mail trace and found out out that your name is Norman Levitt, that is Professor Norman Levitt of the Math Department at Rutgers University. Since I was (past tense) thinking about recommending Rutgers University to some of my students considering graduate school, I have a few questions for you: 1. If I reconsider and decide to send my students to Rutgers, will you accuse them of eating fecal matter if they disagree with your political views? Dr. Mike, as a criminology prof you're probably heard of people (children, students, hackers) using other people's computers and email accounts to send out inflamatory missives.  So, you must have intentionally opened yourself up to a possible libel suit, possibly as part of your effort to show how conservatives on campus are being persecuted.  Oh, this seems to be the Bayham column that Mike is talking about.  It just came out on Monday, and so the response to it couldn't have been sent any earlier than that.  But I'm sure Mike fully investigated the incident before using it for his column. But since Mike Bayham is allegedly a GOP official and a professional political consultant("In 1996, Mike Bayham was elected to the Republican State Central Committee, becoming its youngest member. In another tightly contested race, Bayham was re-elected to the RSCC, where he remains as the committee's youngest member.  Bayham is a professional political consultant in south Louisiana"), it's odd that he was so upset by receiving an abusive email that he had his friend Dr. Mike write a column ridiculing his opponent.  Most kids outgrow the whole flamewar thing after they discover girls. Rebecca Hagelin Rebecca reviews a book about the noble "freedom-based public-interest law movment."  "Freedom-based law" fights such things as the "'right' to abortion, the cleansing of God from the public square, the unjust taking of property in the name of protecting the environment, and racial preferences in schools."   But although the book is the subject of her column, she feels compelled to throw in some gratuitous sucking up to Ed Meese. You can't work here at the Heritage Foundation for long without becoming extremely impressed with Edwin Meese III. Not if you want to KEEP working at the Heritage Foundation, that is. Michelle Malkin  Michelle is mad as hell at George P. Bush (George W.'s nephew) for disparaging the use of pellet guns on Mexicans who illegally try to cross the border.  After all, these miscreants being shot at are brown, we're at war, and a couple of years ago a Border Patrol officer was KILLED by a brown person.  The Border Patrol should be issued machine guns, so they can mow down miscreants -- you know, like how the guards at the Berlin Wall handled those who didn't keep on the right side of the border. George P. Bush calls it "barbarous" that we arm Border Patrol agents with plastic pellet guns. The true disgrace is that we have rendered our border guards defenseless, handing them toy guns instead of real weapons. The criminals in Mexico who traipse across our border have no problems with "macho" displays of barbarism. Park Ranger Kris Eggle was murdered by an AK-47-wielding Mexican drug smuggler two years ago this month. Kris was 28 when he was gunned down -- the same age as George P. Bush. But if Kris was a Park Ranger, how would arming the Border Patrol have helped him? Michelle goes on to complain that even Homeland Security officials, in "the comfort of their air-conditioned offices," are failing to thank Border Patrol agents for rounding up those gardeners and maids of mass destruction. The retreat has had a devastating effect on border agents' morale -- and our safety. A new survey of border security personnel released this week by the National Border Patrol Council revealed that almost two-thirds of the workforce are demoralized, and nearly half of these employees have considered leaving their job within the past two years. The council noted: "Almost three years after the terrorist attacks of 9/11, despite the expenditure of billions of dollars and endless rhetoric from the top about how anti-terrorism is our foremost priority, only about half of these officers believe that our nation is any safer from terrorist threats." So, per Michelle, if these agents, who see first hand many of the Bush administration's efforts, think that we're not any safer, then it proves that the agents are demoralized because people like George P. have criticized their pellet guns.  Um, okay. And that concludes our special Swift Boat Vets Townhall Review.  We hope that there is never the need to do another one. 5:20:50 AM