July 28, 2004 by s.z.

Family Circus Waiting for Godot Today's Cartoon  (See it here): The Circus family is still on vacation at the Grand Canyon.  From the gray and maroon lines across the sky, we're supposed to conclude that it's either very early in the morning, after sunset, or that the air pollution in Arizona has gotten really bad lately.  Daddy (who has no butt, btw) has his camera focused on the bleak desert in front of him. Jeffy is leaning against the "You Are Here" placard and sucking his thumb.  Dolly is holding on to Mommy's legs, either to keep herself upright or to cause Mommy to trip and drop baby PJ over the edge of the cliff.  While we can't see Mommy's facial expression, I imagine it's full of hate and resentment for Daddy and his stupid idea to get the family up at 4:00 A.M. to surveil Bill O'Reilly's camp-out.  Billy, who is wearing a red jacket against the predawn chill, asks the scantily clad Mommy, "After we see the sunrise, THEN can we all go back to bed?" Analysis: Billy represents the Republican Party.  He is standing in the desert, waiting for Morning in America, the little dope.  He thinks that soon the sun will rise, and then everyone can go back to bed (the economy will be great, the deficit will magically disappear, there will be high-paying jobs for everyone, we can bring the troops home from Iraq and Afghanistan, and everyone in the world will like us again).  Little does he realize that this is as light as it's going to get, and his only chance of survival is to ditch Psycho Dad (Dubya) and place his trust in a parent who actually bases his decisions on rational thought, not just "gut instincts" about what would be good for everyone else. Prediction: Just as the Child Welfare people are going start evaluating Daddy's fitness as a parent, the voters are going to use the next three months to evaluate George Bush's fitness to be President.  Even Billy is going to do some serious thinking about the need for a parental divorce. And that's this cartoon means to me.  Now let's hear from Pete, who is, as you probably know, guest-blogging at Sadly, No! while Seb is duck-hunting with Justice Scalia.  I seem to be losing it, S.Z. I can no longer remember if we're allowed to foretell the future using tomorrow's cartoon or not. Pete, you can predict stuff whenever you want; however, I will only be posting about Family Circus on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays in an effort to stave off the hate mail.  When this measure proves ineffective and I have no readers, then I will probably stalk Bil Keane until only one of us survives. But on to Pete's analysis of this cartoon: Just to be on the safe side, I'll only tell half of it. Analysis: Daddy (aka Ted) stands on the lip of the Grand Canyon with his family in tow. While they sleepily try to pass the time, he gulps down a bowl of Miso soup. Poor Mommy (S.Z.) would definitely prefer to be blogging (rather than looking after all of us) - a fact revealed by her skimpy outfit on what is obviously a chilly morning. Yosef is loudly trying to ask a question that might best be left unasked. Alison and the weird little interloper sleep peacefully. And Turkee, dear little Turkee, leans lazily against a placard, pretending to smoke a marijuana cigarette. As always, he's managed to put his pants on backwards. Keane masterfully reveals that this new prediction schedule has all of us momentarily confused and disoriented. Only Ted, the guy trying to rule the blogging universe, pays any attention to his surroundings. Prediction: S.Z. will soon order us to stop predicting the future altogether because of the rising number of complaints from the more respectable World o'Crap readers. This will leave the oracles among us without meaning or direction and where there was once a magnificent vista before us, we will now only see darkness. The other prediction involves Ben Shapiro, Anntichrist Coulter, and "going back to bed." As I mentioned earlier, decorum prevents me from disclosing any more details. Pete M. Are you going to let Pete get away with the last word?  I wouldn't if I were you! 4:36:23 AM

Live from Boston, It's Townhall Tonight! Yes, the Townhall sages are covering the Democratic convention.  Or course, only Jonah is actually in Boston, but the rest still have opinions.  And oddly enough, they all seem to agree that the Democrats are wrong about everything, and a vote for John Kerry is a vote for Satan.  (Some of them don't actually address the convention in their columns, but I'm pretty sure they still think that John Kerry is the devil's minion.)  But maybe I'm missing the nuances of their message.  Here, you be the judge as we recap all of today's Townhall I could stand.       Dr. Mike Adams, Professor Someone asked Dr. Mike what he thinks of those "I Had an Abortion" T-shirts that Planned Parenthood is selling -- that was a mistake. I think about all of the abortion clinics in minority communities. I think that the next Martin Luther King was probably aborted years ago. [...] I think that Jesus Christ loved us before we were born. I also think that He was single for all of his 33 years. [...] When I visit the Holocaust Museum in Washington, DC, I think about abortion. I think that we are blessed to have George W. Bush as our president.  I think that Dr. Mike has got to quit writing his columns after nipping at the cooking sherry. Jonah Goldberg Jonah, the poor man's Ann Coulter, gives his thoughts on Monday's convention speeches -- surprisingly, they remind him of a Simpsons ep.  And you thought Ann was edgy! BOSTON - When Homer Simpson ran for the office of sanitation commissioner, he offered this stirring call to arms: "Animals are crapping in our houses and we're picking it up. Did we lose a war? That's not America!" The crowd went wild and Homer won the race. After the first night of speeches here at the Democratic Convention, it's pretty clear the Democrats are borrowing from Homer's playbook. Here's the drill: State the obvious as if it is insightful. Then twist it to make it sound like the Republicans are fools or ogres for not seeing the wisdom in what you're saying. "The Republicans in Washington believe that America should be run by the right people - their people," Bill Clinton declared to thunderous applause here Monday night. What in the world is he talking about? This is an election, right? The Republicans think Republicans should run things. Democrats think Democrats should. Is there something I'm missing? Are Republicans somehow "cheating" because their campaign platform suggests that their own party is the right one to run America?   You make a very adulterous point, Jonah -- but it has nothing to do with the Simpsons ep you mentioned.  I notice you failed to finish Homer's quote, which concludes, "That's not even Mexico!"  See, this ep was really about how Homer ran for commissionaire by telling voters that as Americans they deserved better than having to clean up after themselves, like citizens of some third world country.  He won the election, but trying to keep his promises soon caused an enormous deficit which he attempted to resolve by trashing the environment.  So, maybe Jonah should have saved this Simpsons ref for his coverage of the Republican convention.  Here's another quote from this ep he could use when discussing Bush's speech: "I hate the public so much!  If only they'd elect me, I'd make them pay." Ben Shapiro Still nursing his unrequited crush on Ann Coulter, young Ben writes about how the brave conservative vixen was slapped down by USA Today for being too gosh-darned funny, truthful, and beautiful for public consumption.  Oh, and for being uppity.  His column is entitled "USA Today ducks Ann Coulter's pulverizing right hook" Conservative pundits are grudgingly tolerated as token representatives of an extremist ideology, but only if they keep within certain bounds. If they get too uppity, it's time to slap them down. [...] I'm willing to give odds on the chances that Michael Moore's sure-to-be hysterics-ridden columns will end up, unedited, in the pages of USA Today. But that's media balance for you: Hire both; censor the conservative. Or replace the conservative, as the case may be -- trendy National Review columnist Jonah Goldberg will take over Coulter's slot.   Yes, USA Today's replacing Ann with "trendy" Jonah Goldberg proves that the media is liberal, all right.  (You know, I think that Ben is probably the guy who keeps finding this blog by googling "Ann Coulter nude"; I haven't seen anybody get here by searching for "Jonah Goldberg nude," which must prove something about the media or something.)  While Clinton and Wilson are willing to lie for publicity, Coulter isn't. She flew back to New York as soon as she heard the higher-ups at USA Today complaining about her work. But how will the other pretty girls in Boston cope without Ann there to lead them in their eye-rolling exercises? "They wouldn't publish my first column, so I left town. ... They think they can use my byline to write their column," Coulter says. "My byline isn't for sale."  'Cause when you think of journalistic integrity and an uncompromising unwillingness to take money from any partisan endeavor, you think of Ann Coulter.  Rebecca Hagelin Rebecca has found another group of whiny conservative parents that you should join: Mothers Against Non-Christian Commercials.  Won't somebody think of the children? Advertising companies spend billions of dollars to determine precisely how to reach children. [...] This may not seem so bad when it's, say, McDonald's and Wendy's competing for a kid's dollar hamburger. But think about some of the slogans kids encounter: "Just do it." Why wait?" "Obey your thirst." "No boundaries." "Got the urge?" In other words, be selfish, instantly gratify yourself, regardless of the consequences. And remember, "He who dies with the most toys wins."   Wow, who knew that Nike, Sprite, and Wal-Mart were leading kids to hell that way?  If these are not the messages you want your child to hear and act on – and surveys show that overwhelming majorities of parents fall into this category – it's up to you to do something about it. One step might be to join forces with the Motherhood Project, an operation of the Institute for American Values. [...] They want to see more Chick-Fil-A's out there – companies that position themselves as family-friendly, dare I say Christian businesses. They want advertisers to cross over to their side in the culture wars with cleaner commercials and more appropriate products. When I don't want my children to hear and act on Nike ads which tell them to stop making excuses and get out there and achieve, even if it's hard, I turn off the TV.  But that's just me.  And my children are imaginary.  But to show advertisers that I'm sick and tired of Rebecca and these pressure groups trying to change the culture by being nags, I'm going to boycott Chick-Fil-A until they stop selling fast-food to kids. Michelle Malkin Michelle's column is called "Five Reasons to Fear the Democratic Party."  Those five reasons are: Ted Kennedy, the ACLU, the NAACP and other groups promoting rights for minorities, people who don't hate immigrants, and those who would allot more tax money to fire fighters and EMTs.  The Democrats are allied with, responsible for, in control of, or something, all these people who are endangering your life by failing to realize that 9/11 changed everything, including doing away with the Bill of Rights.  So, vote against the Democrats, or the NAACP wins. The American Civil Liberties Union. The organization maintains dangerously absolutist positions against the use of torture to gather intelligence from al Qaeda terrorists, against the designation of enemy combatants apprehended on either foreign or American soil, and against common-sense profiling in wartime. Kathleen Parker Sure, the Democrats claim they are pushing a positive message at the convention, but Kathleen found some people saying negative stuff: the protesters!  Plus, none of the delegates really like Kerry (even though they might seem like they do on TV) since he went to boarding school, and therefore isn't really One of Us.  Secretly, they all resent him and hope he is eaten by sharks -- they just hate Bush worse.  Which shows that  the Democrats are more hateful than the Republicans, since the Republicans only hate Kerry, being too stupid to see that Bush really isn't One of Us. Edwards and Kerry can grin until Crest stocks break the sound barrier, but their ultra-brite smiles can't conceal the party-seethe beneath the surface. As students of Nurse Ratched know, repressed anger is a tricky rascal.  But the biggest road bump - and the telling-est irony - may be selling the message that John Kerry is the people's candidate.  Kerry may be a lot of things, many of them admirable, but a billionaire's husband whose Swiss boarding school masters worried about the Kerry boy's "excessive amounts of self-confidence" is no more Of The People than George Bush is Of The Prairie.   Brent Bozell The mainstream media said that the audience liked the speakers at the Democratic convention.  This shows how partisan the media is.  Hell, they even said nice things about JIMMY CARTER, the most evil man who ever lived!  We won't be safe from this kind of lying and manipulation until Fox News is the only media source, and Brent gets his own news hour. But CNN anchor Aaron Brown was feeling lighter than air after Carter's slashing Carville moment. After reporter Joe Johns explained the Georgia delegation felt Carter was an "honest man" and "truthful," Brown said no one should worry about Carter sounding too vicious: "I understand ... the Kerry campaign's concern is they don't want it too personal and they don't want it shrill, and it's hard to imagine shrill and Jimmy Carter in the same sentence." It's absolutely mind-blowing.  Anchors at this convention are actually traveling beyond the hard sell for the DNC to the actual on-air comforting of Democrats: "don't worry, you're not too shrill, really you're not." The only thing that didn't make the trip to the Fleet Center was any journalistic sense of accuracy or fairness. I'm sure Fox News, "Your Voice for Evil," handled things better.  They probably reminded viewers that Carter failed to nuke Iran when he had the chance, made people stand in line to get gas, and forced Americans to turn down their A/C during the summer.  Talk about vicious! Terence Jeffrey Bill Clinton criticized Bush's tax cuts for the rich.  This proves that he (like all of the Democrats) is a commie.  Sure, Kerry said he will only raise taxes for those making $200,000 a year or more -- but if we allow these, the most vulnerable of Americans, to pay more in taxes, aren't we all suffering an erosion of our liberty? I raise these points to demonstrate that the way Bill Clinton, John Kerry and the Boston Democrats approach taxing and spending the hard-earned money of Americans is not really about money, it is about liberty. It is about who decides: Do you decide what to do with your money or does the government decide? Do you take care of yourself or does the government take care of you? Are you an autonomous individual -- free and independent -- or are you currently or potentially dependent on the state? Are you somebody who believes that patriotic millionaires shouldn't have to pay more to run the government than anyone else, and that poor children should just work harder if they want to eat -- or are you one of those slugs who expects the government to take care of you?  We're waiting for your answer, Comrade. Free Bonus -- A 'Renew America' Pundit  Curtis Dahlgren Curtis, our new friend from the last "Carnival of the Winguts" whose Microsoft Word spellchecker proved that pornographers run this country, is back with even more lessons to be learned from his outdated software (his main point seems to be that Ronald Reagan never had an abortion). On the Democrat side, the "superiorcrats" (no doubt whatsoever) consider Zell Miller a "mediocrat" for speaking at the Republican convention (straying from the "best and brightest plantation"). Likewise, the RINO country club Republicans almost never actually agreed with President Reagan, though basking in his victories (which amazed and puzzled them, I'm sure). By the same token, the Superiorcrats at the New York Times look down on the "Rednecks" in both parties, while puzzling over their declining subscriptions and the general decline in trust in the Big Media among the people. The preceding thoughts all came to mind after writing my last column and having the Microsoft Word grammar check program indicate that "whoredoms" and "wickedness" weren't really words, apparently because I was quoting an author from the 7th century B.C. (the machine thought that it was the Superiorcrat and I was the Mediocrat).  And in one of those wacky, sitcom endings, the snooty computer got its comeuppance, while Curtis learned a thing or two about whoredoms from some experts.   But you know, my Word spelling/grammar check indicates that I should be calling the above Townhall pundits "Michelle Malign" and "Brent Boozer."  We can learn a lot from computer spell check programs. 3:24:17 AM