July 29, 2004 by s.z.

More From Our Mailbox Dear NewsMax Reader: Please find below a special message from Vernon Robinson who is on his way to becoming the first black Republican Congressman from a former Confederate state since Reconstruction. There were black Republican congressmen from the Confederate states prior to Reconstruction???    Okay, I guess you're referring to the fact that there were black Republican congressmen from former Confederate states DURING Reconstruction.  As Encarta tells us, "More than 20 blacks were elected to the U.S. House of Representatives and U.S. Senate in the South during Reconstruction, the period of rebuilding after the American Civil War (1861-1865). And here's an interesting bit of history from the transcript of a PBS interview with David Levering Lewis: When Congressman George White from North Carolina rose to the well of the, the House and bid farewell to his colleagues in 1901, he was the last African American elected voice that Capitol Hill would see for many years, not until the 1920's [...] By 1900, George White was in Congress alone because all other Southern states had, by ledger domain [I bet he actually said "legerdemain"] and constitutional alterations, made it virtually impossible for African Americans to elect African Americans to represent them. And certainly whites were not disposed to do so. And continuing that mindset in North Carolina was Jesse Helms: The animosity between Helms and black leaders goes back to Helms' entrance into politics in 1950, when he helped organize a rally that persuaded Raleigh lawyer Willis Smith to stay in the U.S. Senate race against Frank Porter Graham, a former president of the University of North Carolina. Smith won after a campaign featuring a newspaper ad that said, "White people, wake up before it is too late. Do you want Negroes working beside you, your wife and your daughters in your mills and factories? Frank Graham favors mingling of the races." Helms went to Washington as an administrative aide to Smith. [...] "He took a stance that said blacks are not in the political system," said Earl Black, a leading authority on Southern politics at Rice University in Texas. "Jesse Helms is the most prominent Southern senator that acted as if the Civil Rights and Voting Rights Acts never passed. He represents the closest thing left to toying with racial issues." So yes, by all means lets hear from the self-styled "Black Jesse Helms": Dear Fellow Conservative, They said we couldn't do it, but we did! In last Tuesday's Republican Primary (for North Carolina's 5th Congressional District) we finished FIRST in the field of eight! I guess there's always a market for an anti-gay, anti-immigrant, anti-"feminist", anti-welfare, anti-"seperation of church and state" message.   I thank all of my supporters for arming my campaign with the financial wherewithal to compete on the radio and television airwaves with our conservative message of limited, MORAL government reflecting Judeo-Christian family values, and a strong national defense -- including the defense of our national borders. Yes, you spent over a million dollars bashing your opponents and spreading your Christian, MORAL message.  And I guess you want more money now, huh? Since I have another election, I have to ask you to give to the campaign again - and IMMEDIATELY. This second primary is less than a month away, and we can't hold back time. Virginia Foxx, a millionaire, can simply write another six-figure check to her campaign. I have to raise the money in much smaller checks, one at a time, from good conservatives like you. Well, you could hold off on all the ads.  Nobody's forcing you to run TV spots saying that "homosexuals mocked holy matrimony," and "You can burn the American flag and kill one million babies a year, but you can't post the Ten Commandments or say `God' in public." The stakes are higher than ever now, because the other candidate who survived the first primary and who will face me in the run-off is easily the most liberal of my opponents. Or as conservative journalist John Gizzi put it in his Human Events column, she is "by far the least conservative candidate in the field." Yeah, "most liberal," "least conservative" -- they're the same thing, except that "most liberal" sounds more evil.  I've mentioned her to you before (when I correctly identified her as my most dangerous opponent), but let me give you a little refresher on her frightening record. Virginia Foxx says she wants to be called a "feminist," The bitch! . . . and got her start in politics as a district coordinator and lobbyist for Teddy Kennedy's Equal Rights Amendment. She once received a 100% approval rating from the ACLU, and said, "The ACLU isn't all bad." Not all bad???  What kind of a monster is this woman? She probably AGREES in their upholding of the Bill of Rights! She has raised taxes and fees more than 100 times in the state senate, and voted to give in-state tuition to foreign aliens at North Carolina's community colleges. "Foreign aliens" is what Vernon calls "legal permanent resident aliens." He's not really talking about illegal aliens, or Martians, or something.  She even voted to fund blacks-only scholarships with tax dollars! She told the Christian Coalition she supports the adoption of children by homosexuals, then took multiple campaign contributions from the state's most aggressive homosexual PAC (called "NC Pride PAC") For fun, let's visit Vernon's website and learn a little about this PAC (which is now called "Equality NC PAC" per the website, but I guess Vernon liked the older, uppity-sounding name better) . Equality NC PAC: (1) supports putting homosexual scoutmasters in pup tents with young boys; In fact, they probably INSIST on it.  A gay scoutmaster in every Cub Scout pup tent. (6) supports requiring people of faith to hire and rent property to homosexuals; And that's just plain wrong, because people of faith should be allowed to discriminate against those who would engage in sodomy in those rented houses, and who would just use the money they earned from those good Christian employers to buy food to sustain them in their ungodly wickedness. and (8) supports the legalization of homosexual sodomy. But thank heavens they're not opposing Vernon's plan to make heterosexual sodomy illegal!  But back to Vernon's email about the evil Virginia Foxx:  . . . and even voted for special rights for homosexuals in Durham. Well, once again we have to visit Vernon's website to find out exactly what evil the liberal Ms. Foxx is up to: According to the North Carolina Family Policy Council (www.ncfamily.org), Foxx voted to permit Durham to make sexual orientation a protected status for purposes of employment, housing, and public accommodations (www.ncleg.net). So, Foxx would give homosexuals the specials rights of having the same rights to a job, housing, and hotel rooms as heterosexuals do.  She truly is the antichrist. That's just the tip of the iceberg with this woman. But even if I were a mushy moderate, it would be important to keep Virginia Foxx out of the Congress, especially when it's a safe Republican seat that she could represent for the next thirty years. But when the choice is between her and an aggressive black conservative willing to go toe-to-toe with Hillary Clinton and Jesse Jackson, the stakes are very high indeed. But isn't Hillary Clinton a Senator?  Does Jesse currently hold elected office? Where is Vernon planning on going "toe-to-toe" with Hillary and Jesse if he's elected to Congress -- maybe a big "toe-out" on the streets of D.C.? I want to keep making these folks mad. I want to rock the boat until every liberal in Washington is seasick. While you're doing that, Vernon, who is going to be representing the people of your district?  But I can't continue to do it without your IMMEDIATE help. And the fact that my liberal millionaire opponent will outspend me is only half the problem. Remember, the liberal media are openly hostile to my conservative message. In fact, they'll be practically moonlighting as my opponent's press secretary! Hey, I'm only so moonlighting because you keep sending me spam.  But since you've brought your wacky ideas ("conservative message") to my attention, I will go against my principles and urge the people of your district to vote for a Republican: your opponent, Ms. Foxx.  Please make your most generous donation today so that our campaign can create new ads and put them on the air. Yours in Liberty, Vern (if I may call you that), while I do find your ads amusing, I am definitely not going to give you money to make more of them, no matter how many times you beg (there are eight links to his donation page in just this one email).   But hey, give my regards (bad ones) to the white Jesse Helms if you seen him around. 7:25:05 AM

From Our Mailbox Dear World O'Crap, This week Democrats have gathered in Boston to attack our President [???}  and nominate the most liberal ticket in history.  As they spread their pessimistic message we need your help to set the record straight. When you talk to your friends and neighbors about this campaign, remind them that President George W. Bush has led us from a recession to the fastest growing economy in the world and 1.5 million new jobs.  Remind them that when terrorists brought war to our homeland, President Bush has led a relentless campaign against the enemies that struck our homeland.  Yeah, he's led a relentless campaign against bin Laden and al Qaeda for the past three years.  So why do we still get news stories like the following: Officials: Bin Laden guiding plots against U.S. Ridge: Terrorists' aim is to influence presidential vote A plot to carry out a large-scale terror attack against the United States in the near future is being directed by Osama bin Laden and other top al Qaeda members, senior intelligence officials said Thursday. Bin Laden and his top lieutenant, Ayman al-Zawahiri, are overseeing the attack plans from their remote hideouts somewhere along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, according to senior intelligence officials. ... Say, Richard, you think that maybe President Bush should have been a little more relentless against "the enemies that struck our homeland," and a little less enthusiastic about invading Iraq, a country that didn't "bring war to our homeland"?  (Hey, you brought it up.) These last three-and-a-half years have brought some serious challenges to our nation. We are meeting those challenges with strength and resolve. [...] President Bush has led this nation with strength and resolve as we confront the terrorist threat.  From the Barbara&Jenna Bush chat last week: And now even his critics can't argue that he is a steadfast leader who means what he says and acts with resolve. So, I think we have another possibility for the mystery person who was really doing the typing for the twins: Dick Cheney.  (And speaking of Resolve, we wish to thank "preznit giv me turkee" for explaining what is really meant by that term when used in connection with Bush.) He proposed and delivered tax relief -- not once, not twice, but three times.  As a result, America has had the fastest growing economy in the world.  And in the last year, our economy has grown at a rate of nearly 5 percent.  The American people are proving the pessimists wrong, and the Bush tax cuts are working.  Dick, this is the second time you've mentioned that "America has the fastest growing economy in the world" (and you even bolded it this last time).  Now I'm not an economist (I'm an astronaut/supermodel/secret agent), but I did read a Bloomberg story just tonight about China's economy which said: After expanding at an average annual pace of 9.7 percent for the past 13 years, the economy is overheating. Premier Wen Jiabao, 61, is striving to trim growth to 7 percent without causing a crash. Isn't 9.7 more than 5?  Isn't China in the world?  Does asking these questions mean that I am one of the pessimists? And speaking of our great economy, I also saw these headline at Google News tonight: Fed report says economy cooled Boston Globe, MA - 2 hours ago ... Alan Greenspan told Congress last week was a ''soft patch" developing in the economy in June. However, Greenspan indicated he believed the slowdown would be ... But hey, Greenspan's probably just a pessmist too. On issue after issue, the choice on November 2nd will be clear.  On national security, it's a choice between our President, a man of steadfast resolve [brand spot remover], and his opponent, who wavers with the political winds [who actually served his country in time of war, unlike those who had "other priorities'].  On the economy, it's a choice between our President, who has taken action and led America to days of progress and opportunity [progress and opportunities for the well off], and his opponent, who would take us backward [back to the days when people had jobs].  On the values of this great country, it's a choice between our President, who has fought  [but not in Vietnam -- and who was apparently unaccounted for during months of his Air National Guard enlistment] for and supported these values, and his opponent, rated as the most liberal member of the United States Senate [rated "most liberal" for one year, a year during which which he was busy campaigning and missed several votes; and rated using subjective methodology]. On all these issues, we welcome the contest ahead, and we know, with your help, it is a contest we will win. Sincerely, Dick, no offense, but before I can accept your sincerity, I'm gonna have to ask you to take a polygraph. 5:16:48 AM

Deep Thoughts, by Peggy Noonan In this week's column, Peggy describes a bunch of people she saw at the Democratic convention.  (Saw them on TV, that is, since Peggy wasn't invited to the bash, and it made our favorite Crazy Jesus Lady all cranky and snide.)  See if you can guess who she's describing; also, see if you can spot the genuine Peggy from the ersarz.  There may be prizes in it for you!  (But probably not, so don't go to all the effort to actually READ Peggy's column, because I'd feel bad if you went insane wading through her prose in order to win a contest that was actually just another blogosphere scam.)  So, the lines by Peggy, plus one or more fakes: 1. She seems like someone who'd come to your house with homeopathic medicine if you had a sinus infection. 2. By the end he seemed to me like Ron Popeil of the late night pocket-fisherman infomercials. 3. She's like Coke C2: a mixture of artificial sweetness and cheap high fructose corn syrup; cloying to the palate, and in the end pleasing neither calorie counters nor cola purists.  One would just throw her out, but there's the possability she'd clog the drain. 4. When you first see him he is a plain man of irregular features and jug ears. But when he begins to speak his features blend into harmony and handsomeness.   5. He calls to mind Eddie Haskell, if Eddie had been a male hustler before hitting it big on a cable news network. 6.  He is that unusual person who seems less authentic when not in a tutu. 7.  When he's watching himself on the monitor and doesn't know he's on camera his bright boyish eyes become clever, sensual and vain. He has Clinton eyes. 8. If smarm was a preserve one served on toast, like marmalade, he'd be the J.M. Smucker's Co. of the smarm industry.  9. ---- ---- was in comparison cold, robotic and too heavily botoxed. At a certain point Botox can become a problem for those in public life. And here's a list of convention-related people.  They may or may not be the people Peggy and the fake Peggy were describing, but you can still match them with the above descriptors if you want.  Or, you can just use your own ideas to ascertain who is being maligned above.  See if I care!  (a) Hillary Clinton (b) Neal Boortz (c) Jonah Goldberg (d) Sean Hannity (e) Peggy Noonan (f) Amy Carter (g) Barack Obama (h) Teresa Heinz Kerry (i) Caroline Kennedy. Now that was fun, wasn't it?  Anyway, although Tbogg thinks that his new discovery, the guy from RedState.org, is the new Jack Handey, since (a) Peggy is much more Handey-esque; and (b) we thought of this bit first, here are some Jack Handey lines which are almost as funny as Peggy's: He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him. Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."  So, that's it for this week.  Peggy will be back with more Deep Thoughts next week -- unless she's lured away from the Wall Street Journal by the desperate producers of "Saturday Night Live."  I guess we'll just have to wait and see. 2:46:08 AM