"The hormonal tide that leads, ultimately, to coffee"Yes, there's lots of hard-boiled action on the means streets of America's Worst Mother® (registered trademark of TBOGG, P.I.) today, as Meghan out-Chandlers Chandler with the Fever Swamp column entitled The Big Sleeps. But it's a great day to be alive, for from this noir for numbskulls, Tbogg has created I, The Mummy, the definitive story of a treacherous dame with gams that just won't stop until they kick somebody. You should just savor it for a while. But when you're done, here's . .. the REST of the story. Page 1 The cowardly appeasement of the Spanish, and rain, cause Meghan to wonder What Sort of World the children are growing up in, and if it might not be better to just kill young TiVo, Larva, Oceania, and Euthanasia for the insurance money. Larva happens to catch a glimpse of the front page of the Washington Post while in the outhouse, and immediately assumes that a bundle of clothes in a photo is a dead baby. You know, based on his experience ... But Meghan assures him that it's not a baby, because the man has a cell phone.
And so, in honor of terrorism, the lucky Gurdon children get both gruel AND bread crusts for breakfast. Well, not just because train bombings always make Meghan feel the love, but also because she's relieved that Larva is so gullible that he'll believe that people who own cell phones never have dead children. Meghan figures that since he knows SHE has a cell phone, he won't suspect a thing when Double Indemnity time arrives. Eldest daughter TiVo comes downstairs, much the worse for wear after an all-night bender. She doesn't want any gruel and bread crusts, which delights Larva, because it means there's all the more for him. The two youngest girls creepily speak in unison, a new trick they picked up from the Children of the Damned, their friends from down the block. TiVo's extreme fatigue, loss of appetite, sudden unsociability, and lack of attention to personal hygiene don't worry Meghan at all. So what if TiVo is a junkie -- the kids are all going to be killed by terrorists anyway, thanks to the cowardly Spaniards, so the child might as well have some fun first. Page 2 Meghan, still bitter after having spent literally HOURS of her precious time putting together place cards for a party that teachers were allowed to attend (even though they're just the hired help), rails at educators for making strung-out kids get up in the morning. And since kids have to get up in the morning, it means that hung-over mothers also have to get up in the morning and fix gruel, and it's just not fair! Damn it all, if school started at 11:00 or so, then the lazy teachers could sleep in and still get off work before all the people with real jobs. Meghan thinks about making Hugo do an editorial to that effect for The Hill, then remembers that he hasn't been speaking to her ever since she packed his briefcase not with cheese sandwiches and clean underwear like he'd asked her for, but with plutonium (as recounted in Meghan's column from a couple week's back, "Kiss Me, DoodyHead"). But Meghan is still cheesed at the school for forcing her to get up before noon. And also because teachers have boyfriends who love them and go to Gala Dinners with them to request "Lady in Red," while she has to raise three or four children all alone. So, she reasons, they probably wouldn't appreciate her brilliant idea for running schools on Meghan time -- the bastards!
And when the Child Welfare people came for Oceania and Euthanasia, Meghan said nothing either, because frankly, she needed a nap, and it was much more peaceful without the little brats. But then the state gave them back, and they've never been the same since, always whining for milk and meat and stuff. Where was the Washington Post then??? Meghan then muses about the sad life of a preschool student who isn't allowed to nap.
And the whole thing reminds Meghan so much of her experience of having to make place cards under the watchful eyes of the stern, Germanic PTA Capable Moms while nursing the mother of all hangovers, that it brings a tear to her eye; she decides to drive the kids to school so she can punch out the principal. Page 3 Meghan has four kids strapped into the car when TiVo asks about Twitchy. Meghan is back in the house before she remembers that Twitchy is a rabbit, and doesn't have to attend school. She decides to check on the thing anyway -- besides, she recalls have left an emergency bottle of gin in the utility room where the rabbit is stored.
Yes, the terrorist attack in Spain (and the fact that she hasn't fed Twitchy for a week) causes Meghan think that Twitchy might be dead. Damn the news for making Meghan worry about the living creatures in her care! She guiltily murmurs, "Oh, poor bunny," opens the cage to retrieve his carcass (lapin avec gruel being one of Meghan's special dishes), and then --
And then, his possum act having lured her in, the vicious rabbit goes for Meghan's carotid artery, his thirst for blood only intensified by his long, vampiric coma.
Relief over the fact that the Goth cross Meghan had been sporting for a couple of days (she can't recall quite where she got it -- maybe at that rave she attended with Gunther) worked to deflect the rabbit's sharp, yellowed teeth. She knocks the bunny back into his cage, loops a silver chain she stole from one of the PTA mothers around the lock, and finds that bottle of gin, the children strapped into the car now completely forgotten.
Um, yeah. TiVo is addicted to heroin, Larva is in fear for his life, and Oceana and Euthanasia are talking like the creepy twins in The Shining. But that's not the odd stuff Meghan is talking about. She is referring to the Islamofacists again. After all, it's all THEIR fault that school starts so early in the morning.
Hey, it's ChinaTownHall, Meghan. 6:27:06 PM  |
Stay Tuned I just can't find anything else to comment on tonight, but I'll be back later for America's Worst Mother (TM Tbogg/Time/Warner) -- the REST of the story. Just what shenanigans will have Agatha, Dewlap, Darth, and Dustbunny gotten into today? And did the Julliard Obedience School for Precious Poppets PTA finally wise up and expel Meghan? We'll all read Tbogg and find out, and then later I'll fill you in on what Meghan's FBI file reveals. Until then, check out Sadly, No!, where Peanut has been blogging up a storm. A GOOD storm. Ciao for now. 4:18:51 AM |
Give TownHall Some Money Or Ben Gets Neutered!And speaking of the Virgin Ben® (registered trademark of TBOGG Corp.), here he is doing a pledge break for TownHall.
Yeah! There are all kinds of things you could do! You could write letters to the Congress, demanding that Bush stop politicizing the war on terror and spending so much tax-payer money on stupid stuff. You could get elected to congress, and work to get laws passed giving civil marriage rights to gays, so that issue would be off the table. You could become a teacher, and improve public education from the inside; and as a public school teacher, you could teach kids to think for themselves, so they could handle any attempts at indoctrination they might face once they hit UCLA. And you could become a scientist and endeavor to develop vaccines which would eliminate all diseases, including the sexually-transmitted ones. (Or, if like Ben, what you're really concerned about is young people having sex, you could invent a kind of reverse Viagra that would render young American's sexual equipment inactive until marriage, and slip it into the water supply.) Or, I guess, you could just give money to TownHall, and figure you've done your part to save the country from the liberal hordes.
Stop laughing. Yes, I too find it hilarious that TownHall is the finest commentary the conservatives have to offer (who will ever forget the "luscious tree of freedom" column from Sunday?), but Ben is serious here.
Okay, we do owe TownHall a debt of gratitude for bringing us Ben. But WorldNetDaily brought us Kyle Williams, and they're having a pledge drive too. It's so hard to choose! Maybe they could arrange for Ben and Kyle to wrestle each other, and we could just give our donation to the site of the winner.
Well, geez, that was just a few months ago -- TownHall has spent $130,000 already?! And what about all the Heritage Foundation money they get from Scaife? Heck, I do TownHall Review every week or so for FREE, so I think there must be graft and malfeasance going on at TownHall central. I certainly won't donate anything until a full and complete audit of the books is completed.
Yes, you will recall Ben's demand that we prove our patriotism by donating money to the causes of his choice (once of which was Ollie North's foundation), and then report back to him about it. It certainly is damning that the anti-war liberals didn't do Ben's bidding as well as the pro-war conservatives did.
And donating to TownHall will foil their evil plot!
Well, annoying as it may be to have to hear the conservatives "complaining speaking" about Bush being booted from office, I think I'll be able to live with it. And anyway, I don't see how TownHall is going to stop the inevitable -- unless they use the donations to hire a hit on Kerry or something. And that wouldn't be nice, and I don't think anyone should support it. Of course, at this point the question in everyone's minds is: what is the antidote to TownHall? I think Reader's Digest has the right idea; laughter IS the best medicine, so we should continue to laugh at Ben and his cohorts until the poison is neutralized. Or neutered. 2:39:51 AM |
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