March 20, 2004 by s.z.

Love, Red-Blooded American Style

Remember some time ago when we were talking about conservative dating sites (not to include Judson Cox's mother's site, since Judson hadn't found it yet), and we recounted the story of Dee, who had called Rush Limbaugh's show to complain that she couldn't meet any red-blooded conservative men where she lived, and so had to date "liberal lemons."  She wanted to know what she should do to find true love.  Rush told her to keep looking, because it was out there -- but if she couldn't find it, a good substitute came in white pills with blue centers.   

Anyway, Dee was back on the show Friday, to inform Rush that she had moved to Ohio and found a soulmate.

CALLER: He's a member of law enforcement for the past 25 years, NRA member, life member, teacher, hunter, fisherman, contributor to the RNC, big Steelers and Penn State fan.

RUSH: This guy sounds like not only a real man, but a hunk.

Uh oh!  Now Rush is going to try to steal him away from Dee!  But I wonder what in Dee's description made Rush think the guy was hunky?  Oh, the "big contributer to the RNC" bit, I bet. 

Anyway, Dee said she liked Ohio for reasons other than Mr. Hunky, such as the fact that people are allowed to eat steak and drink root beer there, as opposed to New Jersey, where state law requires you to eat salad, drink water, and be a waif.  Rush applauded Dee for giving up on diet and exercise.

RUSH: You know something, that's an excellent point, because I haven't gotten a whole lot of good advice in my life from men because most of the men that I got advice from thought they knew everything but they didn't know anything. But I got one good piece of advice from a guy one day, he said, "Never, never, never waste time with a woman who eats like a bird because she's going to be finicky in other areas as well." 

That's the one piece of good advice Rush got from a man?  No wonder his personal life is such a mess.  Rush, here's some better counsel for you: "Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.  And never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself."  Of course, if the women follow that same dictum, it's gonna eliminate sex for you, but it's still good advice.

But now that Rush nows that Dee enjoys eating, he asks if she has a sister, and if said sister would like to cheat with a powerful and masculine radio god (you know, because that's what the listeners want to know).

CALLER: She's married.  Actually I'm very happy right now and I'm hoping and praying that this works and he's really genuine good man. We get absolutely upset and disgusted by the same things that we hear on the news and it's just such a pleasure instead of arguing we both feel the same.

Yup, mutual disgust: it sounds like true conservative love to me.

Anyway, Dee recommends Ohio to anyone who is sick and tired of liberals:

CALLER: Yeah, I strongly recommend it. There was a woman you had on the radio on your show, I think it was either the day before yesterday or perhaps the day prior to that, and she was in New York City, and she was explaining how horrible 9-11 was and how on September 11th she was so thankful and being so thankful to God that President Bush was our president. And I said, wow, you know, I wish I could have called in just at that moment and said, "look, you need to come out to Ohio," because she was explaining how she was being maligned for being a supporter of President Bush.

This woman was thankful that Bush was President on September 11?  She must have really enjoyed his reading of The Very Hungry Caterpiller, because that's about all he did that day.  But anyway, it's nice to hear than in Ohio they don't malign the insane (because that's just not nice).

RUSH: Yeah, I remember. Well, it's great to hear you happy, because, you know, you shared your quest for happiness with us all here, and there were times, you know, you sounded not depressed, but you sounded frustrated.

CALLER: Yeah.

RUSH: Nobody likes to hear somebody frustrated when they're seeking happiness.

Yeah!  Damn that Palm Beach County D.A., trying to frustrate Rush, when he was only seeking happiness!

Anyway, I too wish Dee all the best with Mr. NRA Hunky, but, for obvious reasons, I sure hope she's already hit menopause.

4:27:30 AM