March 21, 2004 by s.z.

Some Sunday Reading

Our friend Caleb, the purported Evangelical home-schooled teen who blogs at Joshua's Own, has recommended a couple of sites to us, to help us, like Rush Limbagh, find mates for everybody.

But first, some more information about Generation Joshua, the group to which Caleb allegedly belongs.  (We actually hope he is a member, and is helping to subvert it from within.  But if he is, he's going to get caught if he's not more careful, because real brainwashed, sheltered, conservative young 'uns don't pray that people who run sites like this one have an eternity in flames that's "as painless as possible."  No, they pray that they such people get all the agony they deserve for their failure to accept George Bush as their personal savior).

Anyway, Generation Joshua:

Like the generation in the time of Joshua that took the Promised Land, we feel strongly that the rising generation of homeschooled children have the potential to lead the way in preserving liberty in our own time. . . . America is in a culture war.  A few good soldiers can make the difference.  Equip yourself and come join the battle! 

Equip yourself with the shield of faith, the helmet of indoctrination, the sword of litigation, and the chastity belt of abstinence education, and come help Roy Moore and John Ashcroft return this nation to what it used to be: an arctic region covered with ice.*  

And how does Generation Joshuah help prepare homeschooled kids to govern America?

The first emphasis of Generation Joshua is education.  Through an ongoing civics curriculum, teens participating in Generation Joshua will not only learn how government works, they will also learn how it should work if the original intent of the Constitution is followed.  An active website, supervised online discussion regarding current events, as well as practical hands-on challenges, such as voter registration and letter writing, will round out the educational nature of Generation Joshua. . . .  A point system measures progress, with various rewards for achievement, including scholarships to Patrick Henry College, certificates, and books.

Yes, you learn how the goverment works NOW, but you also learn that if we actually followed the original intent of the Constitution (as ascertained by having God ask Jefferson et. al. what they meant by it, and then passing the word down to people like Alan Keyes), then we could be living in an 18th-century theocratic utopia! 

And the "earn points you can redeem for cool prizes by writing letters to the editor of your local paper, and registering people to vote Republican" sounds just like my TeamLeader program.  I'm just jealous that I can't win a scholarship to Patrick Henry College (hey, I'd promise to only hold hands while walking if they'd let me in).

So, Generation Joshua -- it has apparently helped make Caleb what he is today: somebody who can't be serious about what he writes, because that would be just too scary to contemplate.

Now for his recommended sites:

First, there's Christian Courtship, which promotes the idea that since arranged marriages were good enough for the people in the Old Testement, they should be good enough for us today!  So, it offers a database "to connect like-minded Christian families who are looking for suitable spouses." 

But since we're doing things the Biblical way, the comptuter database is just for use by the head of the family, so he can find mates for his children.  And maybe an extra wife or concubine for him, since that's Biblical too. 

No, just kidding -- the database is actually so you, the father, can marry off your homeschooled kids to those of a like-minded family, in order to bring forth the next generation of culture warriors. 

The Courtship Database is designed to help Christian families connect with other like-minded families who may have a potential spouse for one of their children.  It is intended for use by the FATHER, not the children.  It is NOT a dating or matchmaking service.

Alas, you can't browse the database unless you're a member of the group (which requires a recommendation from your pastor), so I couldn't find potential mates for my Christian fur children.  But I think this is a good idea, and I hope my father signs up and finds me a husband, because that's his patriarchal duty, even though I've been out of the house for eons.

And that brings us to Caleb's second recommended site, Patriarch, which offers hours of amusement for light-minded scoffers.  It's run by Philip Lancaster, a pastor and father of six ("all children totally home educated"), who's made it his mission to prepare men to lead their families, churches, and society by using the Bible as a blueprint -- which apparently involves living like they did in 4000 B.C.

Be sure to check out the comments posted to yesterday's O'Reilly item for some (very funny) reader thoughts on this site.  For instance, there's Ivan's Bill O'Reilly-esque take on the Patriarch's mission to "PromoteChrist-like manhood, neither wimpy nor tyrannical."  And Pete and Chris found much food for thought in the article The City versus the Village: A Biblical Antithesis.  (Why are cities evil?  Pete and Chris have the condensed version.)

But I wish to share with you a portion of Preserving the Harvest -- Part 4, which deals with the problems posed by those pesky grown-up daughters (you can't live with them, you can't sell them into slavery): 

THE CHALLENGE OF ADULT DAUGHTERS

Many patriarchal parents have returned to a more biblical (and historical) view of daughters. They have come to realize that in the Bible every woman lives under the authority and protection of a man, first her father, then her husband, the only exception being widows, and even they should be cared for by family.

Yes, this is indeed a more historical view of daughters (and women in general) than that held by Western society, but it's still current in the middle east.  Hey, maybe marrying your daughter off to a Saudi or member of the Taliban is the way to ensure that she always has the protection of a man.

For this reason many have questioned the wisdom of sending daughters off to college or otherwise to live on their own. Many have even sought to avoid having their daughters work outside of the home even when they live at home (just as they would also not want their wives to work out of the home).

Yes, that would be the ideal way to raise girls: keep them from ever leaving the house, thus ensuring their purity is maintained so you can get proper bride price for them.  But it seems that some undutiful daughters rebel against the Biblical plan for their lives:

The simple fact is that many older daughters are not embracing this “new” view of their status and are becoming quite exasperated. They may want to have the same liberties that they see even their Christian peers enjoy. They may not be allowed to go to college or work, but there may not be anything particularly productive for them to do in the home. They may not trust that their father will actually be able and willing to find them a husband, and they begin to wonder how they will ever get married or what they will do with their lives if they just sit at home year after year. For a variety of reasons they become discontent and bolt.

In Biblical times, you could have stoned them to death for such failure to honor their parents -- another example of how the old ways are the best.

Pastor Lancaster admits that the problem of daughters deserves more coverage than he can give it right now, but he cautions you that unless you totally control them before they hit their teens, "there may well be trouble ahead."

But if there is, it's probably because you didn't spank them enough while they were growing up.  In another informative article, Philip tells you everything you need to know about the subject of paddlin'.  He reveals the who (spankings should be done by the father, because he's the head of the father, and because women don't hit hard enough); what ("A spanking is supposed to hurt! Mere tapping with the rod, or spanking through layers of clothing and diapers, will not be effective. It is the pain that works brokenness"); when (whenever the kid doesn't do what you say, doesn't do it fast enough, and/or doesn't do it cheerfully enough); where (God made buttocks for a reason -- because there aren't any vital organs to injure there, and because a beating on the behind is unlikely to be "visible to anyone else in case the stripes remain a while," thus helping to keep you from being investigated by by Child Protective Services); why (to break the child's will, and thus save him from hell); and how (with a wooden dowel, 5/16th of an inch by 18-24 inches).  Yes, all that information and more can be found in The Loving Art of Spanking. 

Pastor Lancaster's three eldest children (including two daughters) are now in their 20's -- I wonder if they ever speak to their father?

Anyway, thanks again to Caleb for sharing these sites with us.  I hope they help us all to become better Christians, by keeping people like Pastor Lancaster away from kids.

============

* That line about "returning America to what it once was" was stolen from Steve Martin's "What I Believe".  I belive I'll copy the whole thing here, for your Sunday edification:

What I Believe.

You probably heard I was into the comedy thing.  Kind of getting out of that now... into a little more serious deal.  And so that's why right now I'd like to talk about WHAT I BELIEVE.

[Inspiring music begins to play in the background]

I believe in rainbows and puppy dogs and fairy tales.  And I believe in the family -- Mom, and Dad, and Grandma, and Uncle Tom, who waves his penis.

And I believe in 8 of the Ten Commandments, and I believe in going to church every Sunday, unless there's a game on.

And I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome and natural things that money can buy.

And I believe it's derogatory to refer to a woman's breasts as "boobs", "jugs", "winnebagos" or "golden bozos."  And that you should only refer to them as "hooters".

And I believe you should put a woman on a pedestal -- high enough so you can look up her dress.

And I believe in equality, equality for everyone, no matter how stupid they are, or how much better I am than they are.

And, people say I'm crazy for believing this, but I believe that robots are stealing my luggage.

And I believe I made a mistake when I bought a 30-story 1-bedroom apartment.

And I believe the Battle of the Network Stars should be fought with guns.

And I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was: an arctic region covered with ice.

And I believe the United States should allow all foreigners in this country, provided they can speak our native language: Apache.

And, lastly, I believe that of all the evils on this earth, there is nothing worse than the music you're listening to right now.  That's what I believe.  

3:59:28 AM