Happy, Happy!We understand from the comments that today is Anntichrist Coulter's birthday, and also National Coming Out Day. In honor of both, we present the following: Wow, TBogg really knew what he was talking about with the "hand-envy." Anyway, Happy Birthday, AC, and many happy returns of the day. And happy coming out to anyone coming out today . You don't want to end up like Ann, so be true to your own nature. 5:57:30 AM  |
Doug Giles: Columnist and Radio StarToday's Doug Giles column is entitled Believable Bush and Questionable Kerry. It's about the second presidential debate, and about how Osama has an atomic bomb in your neighborhood so who cares that Bush lost that debate too. Here are some highlights:
Doug, the sheeple aren't convinced by "nice guys" who jump from their seats and look like they're going to punch out the moderator just because their opponent forgot Poland. And my guess is that the undecideds were as put off by all that yelling, blinking, and twitching as they were by Bush's petulent, peevish, childish "truthful faces." The sheeple are smarter than you might think. And then Doug talks about the Veep debate, because that one allows him to really use his gift for metaphors.
So, per Doug, Edwards looked like a Rebecca St. James, while Cheney resembled Paul Crouch. (Which makes Doug's comment about Cheney and butts kind of creepy.)
He's using extra exclamation points, so you'd better do what he says! And if you do, you are taken to "Doug's Cartoon" at ClashRadio -- it indicates that Doug believes that during the debate Dick was thinking about buying Lynne a Victoria's Secret teddy -- which would explain the look of pity and incredulity that Doug saw.
I think Doug means, "cranky and delusional," but frankly, he doesn't give a damn what I (or you, or he) thinks.
Um, I'm looking for a guy whose ambition is to wake up every morning and pursue the goal of being the best darned President of the U.S. that we've ever had. If I wanted somebody who just wants to kill terrorists, I'd vote for Rambo III.
However, the ilk are not talking about attacking our cul-de-sacs while George Bush is clearing bush, falling off his bike, or watching football. No, they just get so enraged by male grooming that it causes them to plan multiple nuclear bombings of Maple Drive.
Wow, real terrorists are more determined that caricatures of immoral, lazy, stupid, fat Americans?! I never would have guessed!
I'd guess it was the Larsens who possess the nuke in my neighborhood, except that they're not very friendly and probably don't know our names to put on their bomb.
And guess what: it wouldn't be fun. I bet YOU thought that a nuclear blast would be, well, a blast. That's why you're not a terrorism expert like Paul (who is presumably also the the "terrorism experts" who said that the terrorists have nukes in our neighborhood, since I can't find anybody else pushing that idea). It seems that Paul wrote a book called Osama's Revenge: THE NEXT 9/11: What the Media and the Government Haven't Told You, which was popular with the wingnut pundits a few months ago, but has already been exiled to the bargain bin. And what Williams told NewsMax back in July is that it's POSSIBLE that al Qaeda controls up to ten Russian miniature tactical nuclear "suitcase" bombs, and it's also possible that they got one or more of them across the Mexican or Canadian border. He also says that al Qaeda "chatter" indicates that al Qaeda has mentioned Boston, Los Angeles, Chicago, Dallas, Philadelphia, Miami, Washington and Rappahannock County, VA as possible targets. So, in truth, not even Williams is saying that terrorists have nuclear bombs in MY neighborhood. That Doug is such a fibber. So, back to Doug:
As you will recall, Mr. Hyde was a depraved rapist and serial killer. Do we really want HIM as our President? Geez, we'd be better off with Rambo III.
So, for 100 years, we should forget about jobs, the deficit, education, the lack of insurance coverage, high prescription drug costs, eroding civil liberties, or anything else that makes our country what it is and life worth living, so we can concentrate on killing terrorists. Don't let the terrorists read Doug's column or they'll rejoice, thinking they've already won. Anyway, as a public service, after reading Doug's column I followed the advice at the bottom of the page, went to his ClashRadio page. From it, I learned that "terrorism expert Paul Williams" was Doug's guest for his September 28th show. Gee, Doug interviews Williams for his radio show, and then the next week, an excerpt from Paul's book is featured in Doug's Townhall column. What are the odds! I went even further in my service and listened to a couple of segments from one of Doug's programs. It was an extremely annoying experience. First, because the program stopped every couple of minutes or so for rebuffering (that might be more my computer and internet service's fault than Doug's, but I still blame him). Second, because ClashRadio is jam-packed with loud music, grating sound effects, and inane movie and TV lines. It seems that Doug is emulating some Morning Zoo radio program. And third, because ... well, it's Doug and friends doing the talking. Here's a rundown of what I heard, starting with the first segment of the September 21st program (because it promised author Mike Adams!): We start with an announcer promising you the tools necessary to fight wackos. But he has to speak over a background of old rock music and the sounds of guns shooting, Marines yelling, bombs exploding, a lion roaring, people screaming "Oh, yeah!" and "Make my day!" and bunch of other noise -- so it's really cluttered and irritating. Then the announcer presents our host, Doug Giles. Doug's voice is not what I would have expected from a radio/hotel preacher -- it reminds me of the nerdy file clerk guy on "Just Shoot Me" who also did the voice of the beatnik neighbor on "Mission Hill." Seriously, Doug sounds a lot like Brian Posehn (I just checked the IMDb to get that name, a mark of my dedication to quality voice description). Anyway, Doug starts the program by delivering his ClashPoint -- it's one that appeared in Townhall about 4 months ago -- I remember if for the lines about Rosey O'Donnell and a pot of low-fat yogurt, and how you have to stand up for the truth, even if "you get slammed in some blowhard's blog." But listening to it on ClashRadio is even more annoying than reading it at Townhall because every third sentence is punctuated with a "Yee-haw!" from Yosemite Sam or an air horn sounding, or something. Then it's time for our special guest, Mike Adams. Mike has a regular, normal voice -- he sounds like probably every other Mike Adams in the country. During the first part of the interview we learn that Mike's favorite beer is Sam Adams (Doug plays a sound clip of a drink being poured), and his favorite round for shooting varmints is a .243. Oh, and he and Doug are going on an "Axis Gun Hunt" at the end of October. Mike gives us 30 minutes or so of his usual spiel about how liberals keep picking on conservatives. For instance, he complained about how UNCW never booked conservative speakers, so they booked their first one: Andrew Sullivan ("they book a Republican and it's a GAY Republican -- they always slap you in the face"). Then it's time for Doug to do a commercial for Knox Theological Seminary (the institution from which Doug's M.A. in "Christianity and Culture" is still pending -- apparently they are making him pay off his debt by doing ads for them before they will release his diploma). Doug advises that Knox isn't for "the faint of heart," but if you're willing to "confront the culture," this is the theological school for you! It's apparently the most macho theological school on the planet, where Precious Moments figurines are shot on sight. Now, back to Mike, who tells how he encourages students to violate their school's speech codes and organization guidelines so they will get in trouble, and then can sue the school. He explains that he's establishing a legal network, so "you'll have no trouble getting attorneys to represent you for FREE!" And hey, if you don't end up getting an attorney, or do and get expelled anyway, the thing to remember is that you helped Mike prove some point about something. Isn't that more important than your own future, young college student? Now, a commercial for Townhall, your "one-stop mall of ideas." It's presumably done by John Garthwaite, the President of Townhall, who does a weekly feature called "Townhall Topic" that we never got around to listening to. And anyway, we like to find our own Townhall topics. (This week: Who would win in a fist fight between Jonah Goldberg and Phyllis Schlafly?) Back to Doug, who says that parents don't realize that college isn't like it was when they went to school in the '50s or early '60s, and they are "unwittingly funding an assault on their values." Man, today's parents of college students are old! See, these days, kids are being assaulted with condoms, communist literature, "trial marriages," etc. "It's crack night in the ferret hut!" Mike agrees that you don't want to spend all this money on a college education and then "have your kid hate you, hate your country, hate your values -- when it [college] is the second largest investment you'll ever make." Yeah, for all that money, the school should guarantee that your kid never questions your values, and he or she forever worships the ground you walk on, no matter what a jerk you are. Then, a commercial done by a professional-sounding female announcer who urges you to book Doug as a speaker for your next event. The ClashRadio site promises a special discounted rate for NRA groups. Yes, if you have more firepower than Doug, I bet your negotiating power is pretty good. Back to the interview. Doug complains about how you raise kids for 18-20 years, and then they come back from college with their heads shaved and full of liberal ideas -- and they work at Starbucks, and they're for everything that weakens our country. Like overpriced coffee. Later, Mike and Doug chat about guns some more. Mike says that owning a gun "empowers individuals to raise their children without government assistance" (apparently because you can single-handedly defend them from the King of England, and don't need no stinkin' goverment). They discuss how you should take your kids out in the REAL jungle and let them shoot animals, instead of allowing them to waste their lives playing video games and such. They paint an idyllic picture of enjoying the beauties of nature by killing them. Okay, that's it for that segment (or if it isn't, it's all that I can take). I next listened to the last segment of the 21 September program (because it features "University Urinalysis" with Benjamin Shapiro!) "University Urinalysis" is introduced by the opening riffs from Stevie Wonders' "Superstition," and lots of annoying yells and sound effects, including a flushing toilet. And then we finally get to hear the dulcet tones of Ben. Ben sounds just the way you imagined: like a young lad who is trying way too hard to be Bill O'Reilly. His commentary is from one of HIS old Townhall columns -- the one where he shares with us his trick about how to tell which restroom to use (you look at your genitals, and go with the corresponding restroom). Radio really isn't Ben's media -- but then, neither is print. Maybe he'll do better in sex videos. And then there are some "Church Lady" organ chords, and Doug gives us a few words about "Media Morons." I didn't take notes on this part , so I can't remember what he said. The Clash Team bio page indicates that Brent Bozell's Media Research Center helps with this section, which might explain why it's so unmemorable. And finally, Megan Fox presents the "Zero of the Week." It was about John Kerry, I think -- I wasn't really paying attention to anything by this point. But I had never heard of Megan Fox before (well, I'd heard of the teen actress, but I didn't think she was doing radio with Doug Giles), so I checked out her ClashRadio bio:
Megan dropped out of college so she could spend all her time listening to Rush Limbaugh. She sounds like a fine role model for all young women. Hey, she must be the Megan Fox we saw hitting on Rush a couple of months ago! But I guess Rush dumped her for that CNN bimbo Darryn, so Megan lowered her sites a lot, and flirted with Doug until she got this radio gig. A true success story! I visited the Absurdist Report and learned that it's a wingnut site edited by "The Bear" and "The Little Fox." The Little Fox, in case you hadn't guessed, is Megan. In case you doubt that she's a little fox, she has posted her photo: it shows a a busty bleached blonde in a too-tight, one-sleeved tee. Apparently she wants to be the more feminine, skankier Ann Coulter. Her AR bio advises that :
How much do you want to bet that she and Ben Shapiro end up hooking up? ("You taste almost like Bill O'Reilly!" "And you taste sorta-like my fantasy of Ann Coutler!") Anyway, if you have nothing better to do, you can check out Doug's radio show for yourself. But I guarantee that you have something better to do. 2:01:34 AM |
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