October 12, 2004 by s.z.

World O'Crap Book Club Selection

The O'Reilly Factor for Kids : A Survival Guide for America's Familiesby Bill O'Reilly, Charles Flowers 

1.  Publisher's Book Description

Bill O'Reilly, a former schoolteacher, now an award-winning broadcast news journalist, husband, and father of two,

They give Peabody awards for being a husband, and father of two?

 ...joins forces with an experienced educator to bring you, America's youth, a code of ethics by which to live.

Because you, America's youth, are too lazy and stupid to develop your own code of ethics, and so you need a Peabody-winning blowhard to give you one.  And you, America's families, can't survive without Bill, which is why he has written this survival guide for you.  Ignore it at your own risk!

In this latest book, Bill takes to task bullies, cheaters, advertisers who target you irresponsibly, and parents who fight for their children to win undeserved honors instead of earning them on their own merit.

I think the problem of partents who fight for their children to win undeserved honors is one of the gravest facing our nation.

2.  Anyway, let's see what else we can learn about the book.  First, here's part of the recent Talking Point Memo that Bill used to shill for it:

Who's looking out for American children? You will not hear this in the presidential debates or the campaign this year, but American kids are under siege and society is not helping  them. 

Yup, Bush and Kerry aren't looking out for kids.  Society isn't looking out for them either.  Thank God Bill O'Reilly is here to pick up the slack! 

Gangsta rap, crude television, radio shock jocks, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, steroid ballplayers. The list goes on and on.

American culture is hammering children into adulthood far too soon. It is flat-out wrong. So I have written a book called "The O'Reilly Factor for Kids:  A Survival Guide for America's Families." This book, out today, is aimed at children ages 9 to 16 and to their parents.

While I'm not a parent, if I were, I'd want to protect my child from Bill O'Reilly as much as I would Britney or Paris.  I find rudeness just as regrettable as sleaziness. 

Finally, I consider myself extremely lucky to be where I am in life.  My column this week about my conversation with President Bush behind-the-scenes makes that point.

Yup, Bill got to inverview President Bush (you know, that guy whom Bill said he would never trust again if we didn't find WMDs in Iraq).  That proves he's pretty successful, doesn't it?  Well, DOESN'T IT?  Have YOU done anything as important as that?  No, you haven't.  Therefore, your children should be given to him.  Or, at least, they should be forced to listen to his words o' wisdom.

So with all I've been given, I have a responsibility to help folks out if I can.

And he helps the folks by writing books that say, "Just say no to drugs" and "stay in school," and then he charges them $22.95 for a copy.  That's noblesse oblige for you!

When I was a child, I could have used a book that helped me deal with stuff, but that book did not exist.  Now it does.  I hope every American child gets to see it.

Bill, you're a rich, successful guy: why don't you GIVE a copy to every American child?  Or better yet, why don't you give each child $22.95?  That might get some of them to think you're really cool -- which this book is never going to.

Oh, and Bill, when you were a child, you could have bought this celebrity book which would have helped you to deal with stuff:

3.  Now lets read a bit from the Booklist review of The O'Reilly Factor for Kids, as provided by Amazon:

Does the name Bill O'Reilly conjure up an advice maven for kids?

Well, if you consider shouting "shut up!" to be "advice,"  I guess it does.

Didn't think so. Yet here we have a book in which the Fox talk-show host goes into Dutch-uncle mode, offering his opinions about everything from families and friends to the Internet and sex (he lost his virginity at 20).

Let's review how that happened, okay?

Ashley was now wearing only brief white panties.  She had signaled her desire by removing her shirt and skirt, and by leaning back on the couch.  She closed her eyes, concentrating on nothing but Shannon’s tongue and lips.  He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most sensitive erogenous zone.  Then he slipped her panties down her legs and, within seconds, his tongue was inside her, moving rapidly

And then something else of his was inside her, moving rapidly, and then he was a man.

Each chapter begins with quotes from kids who have written into his show (!), followed by a short introduction and a personal O'Reilly story.  In the alcohol chapter, for instance, he recalls watching a group of his friends get disgustingly drunk, which prompted him to vow never to drink.

It's too bad he never watched a group of his friends get disgustingly pompous and obnoxious.

He ends with some general comments; for example, weatherman Willard Scott (lots of kid appeal there!) lapsed into alcoholism after his wife's death.

That, kids, is why you should never get married.

Still, there's nothing wrong with most of the commonsensical advice O'Reilly dispenses; it's the sort found everywhere--do well in school, don't take drugs, avoid the wrong friends. But barf alert for the occasional instant-message inserts in which O'Reilly uses common IM terms to explore how two typical teenagers, one a "pinhead" and the other a "smart operator," would react to various situations.

Since we aren't about to ever actually read the book, let's imagine how one of these instant message inserts might go:

The situation: Pinhead (PH) and Smart Operator (SO) have each written books.  PH's book says mean things about liberals.  SO's book pokes fun at conservatives, including PH.  They meet at a book fair, and PH loses it.

PH:  Shut up, shut up, shut up!   

SO: :-P

PH:  I H8 U!

SO: (::[ ]::) 

PH: FYI, my lawyers are gonna sue you but good!

SO: ROFTL!

PH:  FOAD!

SO: W/E 

So, kids, what we can learn from the above IM?  Yes, it pays to have a sense of humor and not take yourself too seriously.

4.  But now, let's read part of an excerpt from Bill's book, courtesy of MSNBC:

Friends
Almost everybody watched the TV show "Friends" on NBC. Unfortunately, some kids think that's what real friends are like.

I once had a dream about "Friends" (it was the only one, I swear).  I was in the coffee shop trying to explain something to Joey, but he was too freakin' stupid to understand what I was trying to say.  So, I tried to tell it to Phoebe, but she didn't get it either, because she was a flake.  So, I went over to ask Rachel what was wrong them, but she was too self-absorbed to pay attention to what I was telling her.  I got more and more frustrated until I woke up.  I remember thinking that if the "Friends" characters were really my friends I would have to kill myself -- or them.

But fortunately, Bill is here to explain that they are NOT what real friends are like.

Of course, we can learn a lot of things from our "Friends" on television, but sitcoms are very different from real life.

Wow, I didn't know that!  Do go on, Bill.

In real life, true friends stand by you when things get rough. If you get sick or have a tragedy in your family, your real friends will be there to listen and to help. Sure, they do that in the TV program, but the tragedies those characters experience last only 23 minutes. Yours will last much longer, so your friends will have to last much longer, too.

But didn't the "Friends" characters stick around for ten (or whatever it was) years worth of 23 minute problems?  That sound pretty loyal to me.  And it also sounds to me like Bill is just jealous because he was never asked to do a cameo on the show. 

TV friends are also always fooling around. You can't do that in real life. There will be times when you will have to do some very difficult things. If you have friends who will help you, you'll be a lot better off.

Real life is harder and less fun than a sit-com?  I never would have guessed!  Hey, this book really is worth every penny of that $22.95!

My StoryI once had a friend in high school whom I confided in. This guy and I had known each other since first grade, and we were pretty solid. At least, I thought we were.

At FIRST! To make a long story short, the friend betrays Bill to the Nazis, and Bill later tracks him down and kills him. 

No, wait, this is the story about the hop.

There was this dance I wanted to go to, but I didn't want to go alone. I wanted some guys to hang with so the girls would think I was cool. So I asked my friend, who was usually up for this kind of thing, if he would come along. He said he couldn't go. I said fine and found a couple of other guys to go with me. But when we arrived at the hop (that's what they called a dance back then), I couldn't believe my eyes. My so-called friend who told me he couldn't go to the dance was out there doing the twist like a madman. What was up with that?

Twisting like madmen is how it was done back then, I believe.  And they wore onions on their belt, which was the custom of the time. 

I cornered this so-called friend later, and he admitted that some of the guys he went to the dance with didn't like me, so he didn't want me around.

Can you imagine that!  Some people didn't like Bill!  I bet those guys were really sorry for not liking Bill when they learned that he hosts the most popular show on any cable news network.  And they were probably sorrier still after Bill had a Mafia enforcer rough them up.

You deserve friendship with people who can be trusted. You don't need to accept a so-called friendship with someone because he or she is “popular” or good-looking. 

And that other boy didn't need to accept a so-called friendship with someone who would later write a tell-all book about the kids who were mean to him in 10th grade.  So, it all worked out for the best.

If that situation had happened in a TV sitcom, everybody would have made up and had a few laughs. But life is different. I never trusted that guy again and rarely spoke to him. Since he never apologized, I think I made the smart decision. He wasn't a true friend, and that happens a lot in life.

At least, it happens a lot in Bill's life.

By not wasting any more time with him, I went on to make real friends, many of whom I hang around with to this day. I'm that kind of guy: Once I become friends with you, I'm in for life unless you do something bad to me.

That reminds me of a bit of dialog from the MST version of Gamera Vs. Zigra:

Kenny:  Gamera is friend to all children.

Helen: Is he REALLY?

Joel: Yeah, if you stay on his good side.  But don't cross him!

Bill is like Gamera is so many ways.

Even though I am now famous and successful, I still keep my old friends. And believe me, none of them looks like Jennifer Aniston. It would not be hard being her friend.

So, "You don't need to accept a so-called friendship with someone because he or she is 'popular' or good-looking" -- unless she's Jennifer Aniston.  See, she so very popular and good-looking that it would easy to be her friend, even if she ditched you to go to the hop with people who don't like you.  She's a hot babe, kids, and therefore you have to keep a little thing like a minor slight in perspective.

Okay, you know I've made money. It was a long time coming, so I don't usually spend much of it and I certainly don't show it off. (We're going to talk about money smarts later in this book.) But one thing I do that costs a few bucks is set up a trip every year to some exotic faraway place — the Caribbean, the Hawaiian Islands — where I sail and swim and dive with old friends.

And that's the lesson of this chapter: now that Bill is rich and successful, he takes his friends on expensive trips to exotic places -- and the boy who went to the hop with the cool crowd isn't invited.  THAT will teach him to betray Bill O'Reilly!  NOBODY disses Bill O'Reilly and doesn't later come to regret it!

Other people will tell you to forgive a friend for lying to you. Not me. Others will say that it is "mature" to expect your friends to have faults. Agreed. They can have all kinds of faults except dishonesty and disloyalty. Either of those is poison to a friendship. Sorry, but I can't see it any other way. Someone can lie to me once, but only once, if he or she wants to be a friend.

See, you heard I could be stubborn.

"Stubborn." "A jerk."  "A thin-skinned, self-important prick."  Yeah, we've heard a lot about you.

And I want you to be the same way,

Kids, maybe we should have that talk about bad role models now.

 at least on this subject.

Well, if it's just one this subject, we can listen, I guess.

I am surrounded in television by people who choose "friends" because they're rich or famous or sexy. That kind of friendship is called "groveling." And it lasts, such as it is, only as long as the other person has money, gets recognized on the street, or looks good in lowriders.

And Bill has money, so he can buy the best grovelers available!  So, kids, if anybody is mean to YOU in 10th grade, never, ever forgive them, and later become rich and famous so you can go to Hawaii with your REAL friends and not invite the people who were mean to you.  That's what true friendship is all about.

So, The O'Reilly Factor for Kids.  Making your children read it is probably considered child abuse in some states.  But be sure and buy a copy, because Bill needs the money in order to keep his friends.

12:54:10 AM