 The O'Reilly Factor for Kids: Part Two by Bill O'Reilly He lays bare the unvarnished truths about sex, money, drugs, alcohol, and friends-- for instance, he reveals that he lost his viginity at age 20. What he has to say about these issues may very well surprise you. Especially what he has to say about vibrators.
Here's an excerpt from this book -- it's from the chapter on how to handle betrayal. Dealing With Those Who Wrong You Almost everybody watched the TV show "Three's Company." Unfortunately, some kids think that's what threesomes are like. Of course, we can learn a lot of things from sexy shows on television, but sitcoms are very different from real life. In real life, you hit on a woman and her college friend, and allude to a menage a trois, and what do you get for your trouble? A law suit! See, sometimes you will try to help somebody, and they will stab in you in the back. But television also features shows like "The Sopranos," where those who betray others get taught a lesson. A permanent lesson. So, kids, let me tell you a story from my life, a story about ingratitude. It involves a scheming woman whom Dick Cheney is planning to whack at the bequest of Roger Ailes, all because she tried to screw me and Fox News (but not literally, alas). This story also refers again to that defamer Al Franken, whom we hate with every fiber of our being, don't we, kids? Remember, children, that Al Franken is the most evil person who ever lived. Well, except for this dame. What she and her lawyer are trying to do is the single most evil thing I have ever experienced, and I've seen a lot. But these people picked the wrong guy. And that's why they're dead meat. My Story First of all, you need to remember that all the stories I tell are based on my own experiences -- like when I received a massage in a cabin in Bali and the little short brown woman asked to see my penis. She was amazed, I can tell you! This story is just as true. Anyway, a couple of years ago there was this young producer who worked on my show. She wasn't very smart (we hired her for her boobs), and really wasn't qualified for the job, so I tried to help her as much as I could. I'm a nice guy like that -- it comes from being born in Levittown and never forgetting that I am one of the folks. In fact, I'm the King of the Folks. The folks all say so. Anyway, one day the bimbo told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend and couldn't afford to work for Fox on the salary we were paying her. I knew what she really meant by this: that now that she didn't have a man to take care of her, she was willing to do whatever it took to make a few bucks. Of course, I'm not into paying for sex, but the kid looked like she could use a few tips from a man of the world, so I took her out to dinner. I told her that I'd try to get her a raise, because I don't like seeing damsels in distress. I also advised her that she should just date young guys for a while, have some fun. But kids, as you know, I don't believe in promiscuity. It's wrong. So, I told her, "Just use your vibrator to blow off steam." Girls, you all have vibrators, don't you? Every girl has. Even my wife -- but she'd kill you if I told you. I think vibrators are a good way for young people to take care of those sexual urges without the worry of contracting a disease or something. I bought a vibrator for another woman at Fox and taught her how to masturbate with it while telling her sexual stories over the phone. She had her first orgasm as I spoke to her over the phone. It made me happy that I could help her out that way. I am a very unselfish person, and I try to make it a mission to ensure that every female Factor employee has had an orgasm. Anyway, the bimbo seemed to appreciate my advice. So, a few months later, while we were on location in Los Angeles, I took her and her college friend out to dinner. I knew it would give the friend a real thrill to be seen in public with the star of the most-watched show on a cable news network. Plus, it would allow the bimbo to look like a big shot in front of her hick-town friend. We got to talking about life, as grownups often do. I told them about how I lost my virginity to a girl in a car at JFK -- you remember, kids, I told you that story in the chapter about how you should wait for the right person and time before having sex. The young women (they were in their late '20s, but were corn-fed yokels, so they seemed a lot younger, if you know what I mean) had never traveled much, so I told them about those two really wild Scandinavian airline stewardesses I had gotten together with once, and about a girl in a sex show in Thailand who showed me things in a back room that blew my mind. Oh, wow, did that girl know a thing or two about a thing or two! But we should always respect American women, kids. I also told these dames that I was going to Italy to meet the Pope -- yes, that's the kind of people I meet, being Bill O'Reilly like I am. I said that my wife couldn't go with me, since she was pregnant and needed to stay home and watch our daughter. My wife is a great woman, but she just isn't in my league when it comes to talking to important people and meeting heads of state. I said that it would lonely traveling by myself, but it did give me a chance for meet some hot Italian babes. About then I noticed that the women's faces were flushed and their breasts were heaving, like they were excited about something. I knew right then what the women were thinking -- they wanted me. They wanted me bad. The broads said that neitherof them was seeing anyone serious, and I felt kind of bad for them. As a guy who had interviewed the George Bush, I felt I had a duty to love these young women as best as I could, even if it was hard work. So, I told them about phone sex, which is another great way to blow off some steam, but without all the complications of a real relationship. Plus, it's not really cheating, so even married people can indulge if they want. Everyone agrees on that. I offered to phone both of them, but they just blushed some more in feigned maidenly modesty. So, I suggested that we get a hotel room and have some fun. They just giggled. I could see right then that they were never going to get a man until they learned how to please one. So, I indicated to them that they needed to be trained so they'd be equipped and ready-to-go when a real man showed up in their lives. I even offered them to personally give them lessons. I advised them that they should use their sexuality to their advantage so they'd have power over men -- otherwise, men would have power over them. See, that's what a real man does for the women around them -- he teaches them how to make it in this dog-eat-dog world, degraded as it is by Britney Spears and rappers. But my story doesn't have the happy ending you might have thought it would. The bimbo and her friend never did make use of my teachings, and the bimbo showed what she was made of when she quit my show after being offered more money by a competitor. Of course, her boss there was no Bill O'Reilly and she was soon whining all around town that she wanted her old job back. So, I phoned her to discuss this with her. Since she had always been something of a buxom protégée (albeit, an ungrateful, undeserving one), I said I'd try to get her something at Fox. I told her that another female Factor producer was leaving because she was psychotic and had told a lot of crazy stories, and so maybe the bimbo could get that job if I put in a good word for her. The bimbo asked me what I would do if anyone ever told crazy stories about me. She know my policy: Other people will tell you to forgive somebody for a slight. Not me. Others will say that it is "mature" to expect your employees to have faults. Agreed. They can have all kinds of faults except dishonesty and disloyalty. Either of those is poison to a work relationship. Sorry, but I can't see it any other way. Someone can betray me once, but only once -- and then he or she is dead. See, I told you I could be big jerk. So, I told the bimbo that if any woman every breathed a word about the special lessons I give to chosen employees, I'd make her pay so dearly that she'd wish she'd never been born. I'd rake her through the mud, bring up things in her life and make her so miserable that she would be destroyed. And besides, she wouldn't be able to afford the lawyers I can, or endure it financially as long as I could. And nobody would believe her. It'd be her word against mine, and who are they going to believe: me or some unstable woman making outrageous accusations? They'd see her as some psycho, as someone unstable. Besides, I'd never make the mistake of picking unstable, crazy girls like that. But the bimbo didn't take the message from my words that she should have. . . Part Two of Bill's story later today. (Thanks to Glenstonecottage for the Smoking Gun link which provided us with Bill's story, as well as the encouragement and protection from Bill's goons that made it all possible.) P.S. Pete at The Dark Window has a review of Who's Looking Out for You: Your Vibrator! or I Know You Who Spun Last Summer, or something like that. His review is also surprisingly sleazy. 4:32:24 AM  |
Some Thoughts About the Third Debate1. This was Bush's best debate this campaign. That's the good news AND the bad news for the Bush camp. Of course, John Kerry won again, but because Bush did better than he had previously, his supporters will claim it as a win for him -- kind of like an award for "Most Improved Camper." 2. Although he largely managed to control his scowls and petulant facial expressions, Bush still seemed crabby and querulous during much of the debate. After hearing some of the questions and some of Kerry's answers, Bush appeared stunned and royally ticked, like it was an act of treason to be asking him, the President, to respond to such things. 3. PAYGOO PAYGOO. It's the capital of American Samoa. 4. George apparently still thinks he's running against Ted Kennedy, as demonstrated by the way he keeps dropping Ted's name into every issue. 5. Nobody tells Bush anything.
His handlers need to tell Bush more about his life in preparation for these things. You know, remind him of what he's said, what he's owned, etc., so he won't be surprised and react by denying what Kerry has claimed, and look like a bad liar as a result. "Need some wood" indeed. 6. What about the flu vaccine shortage?
But ... but ... my worry is, you know, that it looks like it's from Canada, but it might be from a Third World!!! 7. You're out of work because you're stupid and ugly.
And the rest of the conversation would go something like this . . . (I will supply the responses from Bob, the imaginary outsourced employee, to go along with the rest of Bush's actual answer.)
8. During his response to Bob, one can't look away from the fleck of spittle on the right side of the President's mouth -- it remained there throughout his answer. Also, the left side of his mouth seemed lower than the right. Has he had a stroke, like the Atrios commenters suggest? Or was it some other neurological problem? (Remember all the twitching, blinking, and short bursts of disconnected speech from last time before you answer)? Or is his condition a result of an over dose of ritalin or something? Nobody in the media is saying. 9. Kerry responds to the Bob situation:
A good line. People in the audience laugh, even though they've been threatened with death for responding in any way during the debate. But notice Mr. Bush: he takes a swig of water at this point -- a drink to help him deal with a difficult and frustrating situation. Old habits die hard. 10. And here's Kerry's response to Bush's claim that Kerry's "record does not match his rhetoric" (the phrase of the day), and that "He voted to increase taxes 98 times and to bust the budget 277 times."
Yes, anybody can play with those votes (since there usually numerous votes for the same bill, some with riders for "increased funding for the perverted arts" and some without). But the Bush campaign never thought that anybody would know that.
[At this point Bush jumps in, seeming to interrupt Kerry; he certainly wasn't given the floor by the moderator. He also seems angry and mean -- maybe it WASN'T water in that glass he was sipping a moment ago.]
Was it 126 or 227 times he voted against reducing taxes -- I guess when you are just throwing stuff out there, it's hard to keep track. But at least he's not, like that tool Sean Hannity did after the first debate, claiming that Kerry raised your taxes over 200 times. 11. Is homosexuality a choice?
Meaning: "If I say it is a choice, my core supporters, the religious nuts, will be on me like a ton of bricks. And if I say it isn't, the moderates will think I'M a religious nut. Better say I don't know -- nobody can prove that I do."
How DARE Senator Kerry claim that Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbian?! As Mort Kondracke said in the Fox after-debate spin, the "outing" of Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter was designed to weaken the Bush/Cheney campaign in the eyes of right-wing voters who might not know about the Vice President's daughter's sexual preference. Because, you know, right-wing voters would be shocked and appalled to learn that Dick Cheney allowed his daughter to be a lesbian. Charles Krauthammer said that Kerry is going to have to apologize for his remark, which was obviously done NOT to appeal to gay voters. Mort described it as "dirty politics." So, why did Kerry mention Mary Cheney in response to a question about whether homosexuality is a choice? (A question which Bush had said he didn't know the answer to, btw.) Presumably to show voters that George Bush would rather claim that the daughter of his VP chose a lifestyle that won't let her marry her partner, rather than challenge the prejudices of some of his constituency. Yeah, it's about character. 12. Who's responsible for rising insurance costs?
Gosh, Wally, I hope it's not either -- but it is it! (Well, it's part of the problem.)
What I think our young friend is saying is that insurance costs are rising because the greedy, irresponsible insured people are not the ones who have to pay for their medical bills, so they go out and get frivolous open-heart surgeries and take unnecessary insulin injections and such. 13. Bush has been reading InstaPundit and his ilk too much, and now accepts their credo that the mainstream media isn't to be trusted when they criticize him.
14. Should the minimum wage be raised? Shorter Kerry: Yes.
Yes, NCLB is answer to everything! 15. Some questions don't deserve a response.
Wow, it sounds like Bush was getting snippy with Schieffer, whose a family friend and all. He hates the question that much. And remember, Bush could have had 2 minutes on this question. Instead, he took, like, 15 seconds -- he obviously does NOT want to talk about this issue. He proves this by grasping his glass and having another drink. 16. But what he DOES want to talk about is No Child Left Behind, the answer to classism, sexism, and racism. Let me set this clip up for you: Kerry has just talked about single mothers and working parents who are being hurt because the minimum wage hasn't been raised in years. "One percent of America got $89 billion last year in a tax cut, but people working hard, playing by the rules, trying to take care of their kids, family values, that we're supposed to value so much in America -- I'm tired of politicians who talk about family values and don't value families." This is the major part of Bush's response:
So, apparently No Child Left Behind is going to call back all these parents who only make $5.85 an hour and make go back to school and learn English and math. That's WAY more helpful than raising wages. Oh, and girls, as a group, do better than boys. So, how is No Child Left Behind going to help women's earning power equal that of men? TIt just will, okay! That is the mystery and beauty of NCLB. 17. What about the "backdoor draft"?
I.e., If those damned troops would just work harder and win the war, we wouldn't have to keep extending their enlistments. And anyway, Bush remembers going on an airplane, and nobody he talked to that day complained about anything, so all the reservists and enlisted people are HAPPY to be dying after their tour should have ended. If they weren't, they would have said so. 18. Why didn't Bush work to extend the ban on assault weapons?
I.e., All the other kids were for ending the ban, so what could I, the President do about it? And anyway, the NRA said it was a stupid ban, and they know best about these things. 19. Do we still need EEO?
Like I said previously, NCLB is the answer to all of life's difficult problems. It slices, it dices, it's a floor wax AND a dessert topping. It's the only domestic policy you need! 20. Kerry tops Bush's "Freedom is a gift from the almighty" with "Everything is a gift from the almighty." This drives Bush to drink once again. But hey, we'll always have "Freedom on the March." 21. Nothing is Bush's fault. It's Clinton's, bad CEO's, and the terrorists' fault that the economy went down the tubes and we lost jobs. And it's Washington's fault that Bush is a divider, not a uniter.
But NOOOO!
Yeah, it's all the lobbyists fault. Poor Mr. Bush went to town, and wasn't able to change anything. That's why he needs another four more years -- because THIS time he can make a difference! Anyway, that's most of what I got out of the debate. But then, I only watch these things for amusement purposes. 3:44:56 AM |
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