October 15, 2004 by s.z.

Falafel

  

Part 2 of our except from The O'Reilly Factor for Kids: "Dealing With Those Who Wrong You"

 

 Back to my story.

 

So, I got the bimbo her job back, and at what they were paying her at CNN.  I was awfully good to this babe, and all I requested in return was that she be competent at her job, and share some sexual fantasies with me on the phone.  Is that too much to ask?

 

I went out of my way to give her special favors in appreciation of her listening skills.  I got her the gig interviewing Hillary Clinton, for gosh sakes, cuz I know how much the broads who think they are smart dig Hillary.  Of course, I actually sold more books than Hillary did last year, but some people seem to like her, even though she is hideous to look at, and shrill and evil and stuff.

 

But watching Hillary made me think that the bimbo could end up like her if she didn't loosen up a bit, get some juices flowing.  So, I suggested that she should purchase a vibrator.  She still said that she didn't do that kind of thing.  (Yeah, right!)  So, to spare her false modesty, I told her that we could do it together.  You know, I could coach her through it. 

 

See, I am known as a being a great teacher.  Before I became the most popular cable news host in the world, I was a high school teacher.  In fact, I won a Peabody award ... no, two Peabody awards ... for my teaching.  Kids, education is important, and that's why you should stay in school, even if your teachers aren't as cool as I am.

 

A while later -- it was August 2nd I think -- we had a great show on the Factor.  I interviewed Condi Rice, President Bush's National Security Adviser, and we talked about the new information concerning threats against New York, New Jersey and Washington, D.C.  You think Condi talks about stuff like this with those hacks on CNN?  And I did a great job.  That's why Condi keeps asking me to interview her.  Plus, she wants me.

 

Later, I spoke to Sunrise Adams and Savanna Samson of Vivid Entertainment about their new book, "How to Have A XXX Sex Life."  They are porn stars, kids, so I hope you don't know anything about them.  But the cuter one, Sunrise, kept flirting with me.  I guess she doesn't meet many men as powerful and manly as me in her business.  Plus, from reading Those Who Trepass, she realizes that I know how to pleasure a woman.  It's all about reading her signals (when she strips down to her panties, it's usually a sign that she's in the mood), and about rapid tongue movements.

 

However, despite her evident longing for me, I had to say no to Sunrise's  implicit offer.  (Boys, just because a porn star wants to have sex with you, it doesn't mean that you have to do it, to prove that you're a stud or something.  Remember that.)  Besides, she was being taped in L.A., so it would have been difficult to get together.  Sunrise does have nice boobs, though, I gotta admit.  Much better than the bimbo's.

 

Anyway, later I was thinking about the interview with the porn stars, and I decided to call the bimbo and discuss it with her.  I mean, she is a co-producer, and it is her job to talk to me about the day's show.  So, I told her how I thought she could have a XXX sex life.  I mean, I thought the kid deserved one, and as the King of the Folks, if I can help a lonely woman achieve some satisfaction, it's my job to do it.   

 

The bimbo didn't say much, but I could tell she was into it by the way that she didn't hang up the phone.  See, guys, girls have to pretend that they don't like dirty talk, but if they didn't, they would just blow a police whistle into the phone, like my wife does.  But remember, boys, no means no!

 

The bimbo still seemed awfully uptight.  It was probably because she still didn't have a man (I can see why the boyfriend dumped her -- he probably didn't have what it took to help a frigid tease like her with her problem).  So, I suggested that she purchase a vibrator and name it.  It could be like the boyfriend that she didn't have.  She could even name it "Bill" if she wanted -- I wouldn't mind. 

 

There is nothing wrong with owning a vibrator, kids.  I have one shaped like a cock with a little battery in it-- a woman gave it to me.  Mine is named "Bill" too.  Sure, I thought that this was kind of an odd gift to present to a man who has a really big cock of his own, but she told me to shove it up my you-know-what.  So, I tried it, and it turns out that it's quite relaxing.  Yeah, that woman was a friend of mine before she became a psycho and got fired.  I try to make friends with all my female employees before I bed ... I mean, I just like to have a friendly workplace.

 

Anyway, while I was speaking to the bimbo, I was trying to teach her how to use a vibrator.  I swear I wasn't thinking about HER in an inappropriate way at the time.  Heavens no -- I was her employer, and like an uncle to her.  A sexy uncle, like maybe Robert Vaughn, the man from U.N.C.L.E.   So, I swear I wasn't thinking about the bimbo.  I was thinking about my Factor guest from earlier that day.  You know, Condi Rice.  

 

But there is nothing illegal about fantasy anyway.  See kids, in your days of celibacy and hibernation, it is good for you to have a little fantasy outlet. You know, just to keep it tuned, keep that sensuality tuned until Mr. Right comes along, and then you can put him in traction. 

 

So, find a trusted older friend with whom you can share some special fantasies and maybe each of you can use a vibrator while you talk on the phone -- and you can, you know, release some tension while keeping yourself pure for marriage. 

 

Just don't think about inappropriate role models, like Paris Hilton or Ludacris, or people like that.  No, think of porn stars or senior officials in the Bush administration.  That's what I would do if I were you. 

 

But back to my story.  A couple of weeks later, I was watching an educational video in my hotel room, and it reminded me of the bimbo.  So, I called her and asked her about her vacation plans.  I am, after all, her boss, and it's my job to keep track of these kinds of things.  I suggested she go to the Caribbean this winter.  It would be good for her, because once people get into that hot weather they shed their inhibitions, you know they drink during the day, they lay there and laze, and they have dinner and they come back and fool around.  That's basically the modus operandi. 

 

So, kids, I don't want to hear about any of you ever going there.  It leads to laziness and uncommitted sex.

 

Anyway, in the course of this conversation, some things were said which she misunderstood.  I told her about my plans to take a nice vacation to the Caribbean with MY WIFE.  Yes, I shared details about my planned trip with Mrs. Bill, such as how as soon as we got there, my wife would probably appreciate a nice glass of wine, so I'd order one or two for her.  I'd even give them to her intravenously if she was too tired from travel to sip them.  The secret to a good marriage is being considerate of your partner.

 

Then I think there was some talk about how loofahs are the best way to slough off dead skin, and maybe I passed on some other grooming tips.  I know tons of them.  In fact, my next book, which will be out in March, is entitled Who's Looking at You?: No-Spin Ways to Turn Heads. 

 

So yes, I told the bimbo the best way to use a loofah mitt -- you kinda soap up your back ... rub it all over you, get you to relax, and rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then with my .. . I mean, your other hand, you start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard, cuz I like that and you have really spectacular boobs, and then I'd move the loofah down . . . 

 

Anyway, then we talked about chick peas, and I believe we discussed how roasted chicken is good with it -- at least, I remember somebody saying something about a big cock.  And then we both relaxed.  After, we discussed my appearance on "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.  I was really good -- and it's not just me who said so.  I was MUCH funnier than Brokaw, who is like the most unfunny guy in the world.  The audience really got a kick out of it. 

 

That was about it. Totally innocent, as you can see.  Geez, I was just looking out for her, fer heck's sake.  And besides, if I were, like, entrapped into talking about my sexual fantasies, it's not sexual harassment, even if she does have tapes.  You can ask my lawyer if you don't believe me -- it's called "The Bitch Set Me Up" defense.

 

So, I was shocked -- shocked and horrified -- when the bimbo got a liberal anti-Bush attorney and claimed that I had sexually harassed her.  They wanted $60 million in hush money to drop the charges, and that's just not right, kids.

 

See, the bimbo's lawyer was motivated to attack me because he is a contributor to the Democratic Party, and he perceives Fox (and me, as the most important person at Fox) as politically conservative and supporters of the Republican Party.  If he does not receive his share of the $60 million in hush money, he would like nothing more than to embarrass and tarnish the reputations of Fox and me, Bill O'Reilly.  So I sued them first, the bastards!  That will teach them!

Like I said previously, they picked the wrong man to try this on.  I have been repeatedly threatened with lawsuits and bodily harm over the past few years, and I have never caved in.  I am like Clint Eastwood in that movie where he wore that serape, smoked that cheroot, and shot everybody who looked at him wrong.  I am one tough hombre. 

 

If I have to go down, I'm willing to do it.  I pleasure the ladies by any means necessary. 

 

But on this extortion thing, I'm gonna take a stand. I'm a big mouth on the air, and I'm a big mouth off the air.  That's what everybody likes about me.  Especially the ladies.

 

But I don't think the bimbo and her commie lawyer know exactly what they're dealing with here.  If you cross Fox News Channel, it's not just me, it's Roger Ailes who will go after you.  I'm the street guy out front making loud noises about the issues, but Ailes operates behind the scenes, strategizes and makes things happen so that one day BAM! the person gets what's coming to them but never seen it coming. 

 

Look at Al Franken: one day he's going to get a knock on his door and life as he's known it will change forever.  That day will happen -- trust me, kids.  Ailes knows very powerful people, and this goes all the way to the top.  Top of the country.  Just look at who's on the cover of Franken's book: George Bush, Dick Cheney, Ann Coulter.  They're watching him and will be for years. 

 

Franken's finished, and he's going to be very sorry he ever took Fox News channel on.  Cuz that Ann Coulter is one vicious MF, let me tell you!  And Dick Cheney killed a man in Reno, just to watch him die.  So, Al Franken is a dead man walking, kids.  And so are this bimbo and her shyster.  That's just how justice works in the Fox News world.

 

So, kids, although Jesus may have said to turn the other cheek, and to love one's enemies, Jesus didn't host the most popular program on a cable news network.  I say, if somebody smites you on your right cheek, you get out your AK-47 and you blow him away.  Or better yet, whine to Roger Ailes about it, and his lawyers will sue that bastard who smited you.  Sue him back to the stone age.

 

And I want you to be the same way, at least on this subject. You deserve to have female employees who can be trusted to keep your phone sex conversations private and untaped. You don't need to accept a so-called settlement with some scheming bitch because she has "evidence" or "a good case." None of that matters. What matters is that I am Bill O'Reilly, and who are they going to believe: some crazy psycho lesbian, or me, the guy who interviewed George Bush?

  

In conclusion, kids, remember that I sued the bimbo first, so it proves that she is only saying bad things about me because she's on John Kerry's payroll. 

 

Also, keep in mind that the code of the Old West says that it's okay to kill somebody who tries to hurt your reputation. It's perfectly okay.

 

Oh, and take care not to cross Roger Ailes, because he's one crazy dude, and you don't want him after you, kids.  He scares me, and I'm the toughest guy I know.

2:13:47 AM