October 22, 2004 by s.z.

A Couple of Things You Might Want to Check Out 1.  Neil at I'm Just Sayin' presents Poop Valhalla.  It's Triumph (you know, the sock puppet who bested Bill O'Reilly et al. )  in Spin Alley, and advertised as "6 minutes and 34 seconds of possibly the funniest late night television ever created." Update: Neil informs me that his Triumph segment has been discovered by Wonkette ... The good news is that he will probably be the new Washingtonienne, and be showered with fame, book deals, and Playboy spreads.  The bad news is that it's awfully hard for common people like us to get access to Triumph these days (yeah, and we knew Neil when).  Anyway, you might try the mirrored site here. 2.  Pete at The Dark Window discusses Satan's plan to corrupt your DNA via space aliens.  The conception of Jonah Goldberg is also explained. 7:13:26 AM

Who Do YOU Want Sharing the White House With the President? Michael Reagan tells us who he's rooting for in the big National First Lady pageant. Who do you want sharing the White House with the president? Um, Mr. T?  (I think it would give a fun "Odd Couple" dynamic to the White House. ) Does it matter who becomes first lady, or must all the focus be on the man of the house? It matters more than I can say.  It's much too important to be left to fate, or who the candidate is married to, or whatever.  So, I think we should amend the Constitution and mandate that the office of First Lady be an elected one -- and require that the President-elect marry the winner of the First Lady contest. So, what qualifications should a would-be first lady possess? In my mind the most important qual ification is that the first lady be a lady. Damn!  I guess Mr. T. is out, then.  And so is Ann Coulter.  And Lynne Cheney. The second, and maybe the key quality, is that she be in every sense of the word her husband's helpmate, always there supporting him, especially in times of stress. Then maybe we should make it a paying job, and institute job requirements, like a degree in psychiatry. Her ability to be a gracious hostess is also important. She must be her own woman, have her own independent opinions, but at the same time not come across as, well, pushy or brash. So, she should be decorative, well-mannered, pleasant, and have her own opinions that she never shares with anyone.  Which brings us to the question of who among the women now seeking to become America's next first lady is best qualified? I think I am.  Thanks for asking. Ask yourself who do you want to be first lady for the next four years, Laura Bush, or Theresa Heinz Kerry? I don't mind Laura, but I can't stand her husband.  But if she ditches him, I'll consider her for the job. How do they stack up against each other? Well, they both seemed equally stacked, although that's not something I've spent much time thinking about. And while we're at it, who do you think should be the vice president's wife – a woman who will be one heart beat away from becoming first lady? Wow, when you put it that way, it sounds like the Second Lady position is just perfect for Lady MacBeth. We know Laura Bush – after all she's been our first lady for the last four years. She has proven to be a lady right down to her finger tips. She stands by her husband's side, giving him her full support. She is gracious, intelligent, has her own opinions, but never contradicts her husband, and she is never pushy or brash. We ASSUME she has opinions, maybe even some of her own, but that the Secret Service is under orders to take her out if she ever expresses them.  But Laura has seemed clinically depressed for much of George's presidency (I can't say I blame her), so I think she deserves to get back to her full-time job of being the twins' mother.  So, for Laura's sake, I urge you all to vote for John Kerry in November.  What about Theresa Heinz Kerry, John Kerry's second wife? Michael, are you implying that there's something wrong in being a second wife?  Maybe thinking about how your father took a second wife, and basically forgot that he ever had an adopted son named Michael? Yeah, everybody thinks that NANCY was such a perfect First Lady, but what about your mother, Jane Wyman?  Wouldn't have she been a much better first lady -- after all, she was the better actress?  And what gave Nancy the right to fire Donald Regan (and make him cry, which was awfully pushy and brash), or to get Ronnie to make important decisions based on astrology?  Gee, Nancy wasn't really much of a lady, was she?  Yeah, I can see why you have it in for Teresa Kerry, Michael -- she reminds you too much of Nancy. As for Elizabeth Edwards, John Edwards' wife, her comment about Lynne Cheney being ashamed of her daughter Mary because of her chosen lifestyle, is all you need to know. She's not on the same planet as Mrs. Cheney. I'd guess that Elizabeth Edwards is from planet Earth, while Lynne Cheney is from Venus.  You know, a place where women can go away together, away from the anger and imperatives of men. There they shall find themselves a secluded bower where men dare not venture. There will be only the two of them, and they shall linger through long afternoons of sweet retirement. In the evenings Lynne shall read to her sister while she works her cross-stitch in the firelight. And then they shall go to bed, their bed.  Or so I would imagine. 5:59:48 AM

He Writes the Songs That Make the Whole World Sing Bill S., bowing to the wishes of his enthusiastic fans, has come through with lyrics to songs in honor of Michelle Malkin and Kerry Marsala. First, here's Bills' musical tribute to Michelle Malkin [set to the tune of "Seasons In the Sun"]: Buh-bye, Michelle, you silly twit It's so groovy how you make up shit. Must be cool to be a hack You never have be exact When you're not reporting fact. Buh-bye Michelle, you'e such a tool But interning you would be too cruel To the other people there. And I can't pretend to care About one thought you want to share You annoy, and you grate You're profoundly second-rate And you don't have a soul So just shut your damn pie-hole. Wasn't that lovely?  I always get a lump in my throat during the part where Michelle dies. To go along with the song, I tried to come up with an expose that would blow the lid off of Michelle.  While I failed, I did find an interesting profile of  her at Goldsea.  It explains how Michelle and her husband Jesse have basically been supported by rightwing foundations since college -- and how she became, to use the title of the article, "The Radical Right's Asian Pitbull."  Here's a paragraph which you might find interesting: Malkin was becoming skilled at supplying back-door titillation to those who liked to heap righteous indignation on supposed immorality while leering at its sexiest exponents. Some observers thought Malkin was out to make herself an object of right-wing titillation. For her column's headshot she cultivated a put-together look that included parted lips coated with red lipstick, big wind-blown hair and a red blouse unbuttoned to expose a prominent V of flesh. “Malkin is a true Cundit,” observed one anonymous poster. “A highly paid media ‘ho’ getting richer by throwing red meat to the loons.” Malkin made frequent references to the background and credentials of her obviously non-Asian husband. To complete the picture of exotic flesh in bed with the right wing, she made a point of distancing herself from the perspective normally associated with her Asian ethnicity.    Yeah, Goldsea, "the Asian American Supersite," doesn't seem too fond of Michelle. I also found the transcript of an interview Michelle gave to CNN in 2002 -- she was plugging her book about how the INS was failing to keep out undeserving foreigners, and how the visa system was being abused.  Here's the part where Brian Lamb asks her about her parents: LAMB: You said that your parents became citizens in '89. When did they come to the United States? MALKIN: In 1970. [The year Michelle was born] LAMB: Why did they come here? MALKIN: To pursue a better life. My dad is a doctor. My mom is a school teacher. And they've always treasured freedom. They've always wanted to live the American dream. And they left 1970, right before Ferdinand Marcos became dictator. So there was definitely the impetus there. They're, you know, the -- the archetypal people yearning to breathe free. Um, yeah, they came here to breathe free -- economic factors had nothing to do with it.  Unlike TODAY's immigrants, whom Michelle hates, because they just come here to make money (or to kill us while we sleep). Anyway, just for fun, here's a bit of the Ferdinand Marcos story: Formerly a Liberal, he broke with the party in 1965 and won the presidential election the same year as a nominee of the Nationalist party [...] He was reelected in 1969, and his second term was marked by increasing civil strife. In 1972, following a series of bombings in Manila, Marcos warned of imminent Communist takeover and declared martial law. In 1973, he assumed virtual dictatorial control with a new constitution.   You know, the U.S. was bombed in 2001.  Our Vice President keeps warning us of imminent terrorist takeovers if he and Bush aren't made dictactors-for-life.  Our President is seeking a second term.  Michelle seems to want to give him a new constitution which would suspend civil liberties to protect us from the bad people.  So, is Michelle a sleeper conceived in Manila and sent her by Marcos?  Nobody really knows. Back to the interview: LAMB: Were they political in the Philippines? MALKIN: No. No. No, they weren't. LAMB: So how did they -- what -- what kind of a visa did they get to come here? MALKIN: My dad came on a -- he was -- like I said, he was a doctor, so he was training here and had an employer sponsor and then -- you know, and then, you know, went on their way, like most people do who have green cards, and then eventual American citizenship. Wow, for somebody positioning herself as an expert on the INS and immigration matters, she was awfully vague about what kind of a visa her parents were issued, wasn't she?  While I'm sure her parents' immigration and U.S. residency was entirely legal and above board, I wonder if the subject makes her uncomfortable because if SHE was in charge of immigration, she wouldn't allow people like her parents to enter this country. But anyway, on to Bill's poignant song for Kerry. Per the request of the dashing Chris V, my musical tribute to Kerry Marsala [set to the tune of "Maria" from WEST SIDE STORY]: Marsala! I just saw a girl named Marsala! And suddenly her name Symbolizes LAME to me Marsala! Does anyone read Miss Marsala? Can anyone believe She even made it past grade three? Marsala! Read her once and it's all too apparent That she can't form a thought that's coherent Marsala! A dingbat is Kerry Marsala!  [wild applause] I think my favorite part of this one is where Kerry thinks that George Bush has lost the election, so she takes poison.  And he sees her body, and he also takes poison.  And everybody else lives happily ever after. And to go along with her song, I searched Kerry's archives and found a column which she  wrote a couple of months ago.   I think Seb might have already commented on it, but since his site is infested by that Steve guy, I don't dare to check.  It's about the woman who invented those "I (heart) GWB" T-shirts and yoga pants.  This is my favorite part: Fashion designer Ms. Cochran prior to 9-11, was an uninformed young Democrat. It was during former President Bill Clinton's plethora of sexual escapades that Ms. Cochran became disgusted with his lack of moral fabric. This single thread of bad behavior, spawned Ms. Cochran to begin to consider conservative policies. Upon the realization that the fabric woven by Clinton was thin, full of holes and moth ridden she began to study American History and our historical documents over the first summer of President Bush's Administration. Ms. Cochran saw the 'vision of our Founding Fathers', and quickly became an enthusiastic and creative member of the GOP. Man, I wish I could write like that!  Or rather, I would I could write song parodies like Bill. Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed National Michelle & Kerry Day, and if you know of any other great Americans who should be similarly honored, just let Bill know, and I'm sure he'll get right on it -- until he drops dead of overwork, and we have to replace him. 3:43:33 AM