October 3, 2004 by s.z.

George Bush: He's a Loser, But at Least He Doesn't Get Manicures Sunday wouldn't be complete without a sermon from our favorite hotel pastor, Doug Giles.  This week's message, Kerry Promises Bush Delivers, is about how Kerry won the debate, but Bush makes a good delivery man for Karl Rove's various thoughtlets.  Bush was … Bush.  If you were looking for television eye candy and Demosthenes-like diatribe from President Bush during the first debate, you were disappointed.  And if you were looking for clarity of thought, grace under pressure, and an explanation of why four more years of Bush would be any better than the last four, you were also disappointed by Bush.  But then, nobody was looking for that from him, not even Doug.  He was his typical to-the-point self:  fish or cut bait.  And he neither fished nor cut any bait.  However, he did explain that he can use the bait to rile up the piranahs if he wants to, because he's the President.  And he also told us that shooting squirrels is part of the War on Fish, because the squirrels were looking at him funny, and so were undoubtedly plotting something.  Yes, he was his typical self. After spending a full day in my great state of Florida, visiting hurricane victims [while Kerry was getting all gussied up with his manicurist], Bush looked semi-bored and perturbed with this “debate” with JFK, too.  Poor George.  It's hard work to try to love those hurricane victims as best as he can, knowing full well that Jimmy Carter would have helped them reshingle the roof or something practical like that, instead of just standing around and gawking at stuff.  And all that loving wore him out, which is why George looked so cranky at the debate.  Well, that and because Karen forgot to give him his juice box. He just couldn’t shed the “Why are you bothering me while I’m trying to run this nation and fight a war, you pathetically over-primped Yankee?” look on his face.  It was reminiscent of how my champion pit bulls looked with yawning contempt at our neighbor’s over-quaffed, perfumed and manicured yapping Yorkies.  Of course Doug owns champion pit bulls.  Doug is the kind of a tough, macho, manly guy who would.  He is also a "shark master," mountain biker, and hunter of the most dangerous game: Precious Moments figurines.  So, when Doug tells us that the reason that George appeared petulant was because he was annoyed with Kerry for taking him away from the war for 90 minutes, you can believe him.  Especially since Doug has a lot more war experience that the primping John Kerry.  Oh, wait, Doug's experience was in drug dealing and thievery.  Never mind. Let me help any P.C. folks not from Texas understand my fellow Texan, George W. Bush.  When a Texan feels he’s around a weasel, it’s hard to keep those feelings from contorting his face and wearing his patience very thin.    Only non-P.C. men from Texas who live in the great state of Florida and who own pit bills (and who have lots of contact with weasels) can really understand Bush.  That's why Doug got the gig of interpreting George for the hard of thinking. Anyway, Doug explains that while Kerry is the smarter guy and the better speaker, and the one who seems most presidential, George has accomplished a bunch of war stuff.   Bush on the other hand, as a war time president, has… 1. Stamped out Taliban and al Qaeda in Afghanistan. 2. The Afghanis are having free elections for the first time, ever, with 10 million voters of whom 41% are women. 3. Osama bin Laden, who if not already dead, is squatting in a cave somewhere changing cell phones and laptops every 17 minutes because we are after him like nail polish on Kerry’s finger nails. Doug, I'll just give you a few (of the thousands on this topic) recent Google News citations -- YOU read the stories and figure out why you're an idiot: Afghan warlords hunt for votes Boston Globe, MA - 6 hours ago ... this week: the entrenched power of militia commanders like Dostum, many of whom the United States brought to power when it toppled the Taliban regime three ... Stockings, High Heels for Afghan Women Riot Police Reuters - 2 hours ago ... and females are still under-represented despite new freedoms enjoyed since the fall of the hardline Islamic Taliban militia late ... Raid nets 25 alleged Taliban plotters Minneapolis Star Tribune (subscription), MN - 6 hours ago KABUL, AFGHANISTAN -- Afghan intelligence agents backed by international peacekeepers arrested 25 people allegedly linked to the Taliban and Al-Qaida in a raid ... Is bin Laden still a danger? Houston Chronicle, TX - 6 hours ago ... who fought alongside bin Laden in the war against the Soviets in Afghanistan, warns that a new generation of Muslims inspired by the al-Qaida leader are ...  But I guess Doug, like his fellow macho man George, doesn't read newspapers.  4. 75% of the world’s top terrorist thugs are in jail ... or hell. Where did this stat come from, I wonder? Anyway, Doug lists seven more things that Bush has accomplished, including "The sons of Libya’s and Egypt’s dictators have both foresworn any interest in succeeding their fathers," while Kerry hasn't been a War President at all!  So, I guess Doug has proven his point that Bush actually won the debate on manliness points. My ClashPoint is this:  [...]  Sure, Kerry looked presidential and sounded presidential.  But looks and sounds don’t mean squat to terrorists.  Decisive action does.  Dealing out hell and death to the deserving does.  Um, doesn't God get to deal out hell to the deserving?  Or has he officially passed that power on to his Only Begotten Son from Texas now? Sure, Kerry might have passed the TV dumb chick test. Doug is jealous, because HE couldn't pass the TV dumb chick test. In the real, wartime world, where nations are at stake, that means jack squat.  With dictators jailed, terrorist networks disbanded and those who remain scattered like lice around Fallujah, we know what Bush will do.  Yes, we know what Bush will do: continue to screw things up, leaving more young Americans dead, and more Iraqis in chaos and disorder (and angry at America).  And this proves that George is much like the movie characters played by John Wayne and Rambo: inarticulate and unpolished, but despite that, a fricking idiot and a threat to those around him.  And that's what guys like Doug, who raise prize pit bulls and master sharks, look for in a President. 6:57:04 AM

Some Godly Advice From our favorite fundamentalist busybodies, Dear Susie and Mom of 9. Dear Susie: I went to a lock-in for the youth group at my friend’s church. I like one of her guy friends, and he was there. Around 2 a.m., some of us decided to watch the Remember the Titans video, and I ended up sitting next to this guy. A little way through the movie, he put his arm around my shoulders. I was really tired but tried not to fall asleep. I guess I did without realizing it. My friend is saying that technically I slept with him. I didn’t want to fall asleep, because I didn’t want to take the chance of disobeying God. Now I feel really guilty. Nothing felt wrong about it at the time. But my friends are saying we were sleeping together, and I don’t like the way that sounds. Please help me figure this out! Confused Okay, what do you think Susie told Confused: A.  I believe it’s wrong for a guy and girl to actually sleep together though they’re not having sex. Why? Because that’s a privilege that should be reserved only for marriage. B. Geez, you fell asleep while watching a movie in a church -- why would you possibly think this is disobeying God?  You're either a complete moron, or this letter is a fake. However, God has commanded us not to be locked in churches (John 8:32).  So, I recommend you get some new friends, because the one you have now sound pretty lame. C.  Your friends are right: you DID sleep with a boy.  So, you're going to hell, you little slut! D.  While you did technically commit a sin, it's really the youth group's sponsors who are at fault for choosing such a boring movie.  If they had shown you something with a little more action, violence, and sex, I bet this unfortunate incident never would have occurred.  I'm not going to give you the answer.  You should just pray and read the scripture until it comes to you. Now, on to some of Mom of 9's warnings about the dangers of 'the Dating Game."  Not the old game show where if you responded with enough corny innuendo to the question, "If I were a Popsicle, what would you do to me," you could win a date with an eligle bachelor like Paul Lynde.  No, Mom is talking about the dangers of dating instead of staying safely at home and letting your father pick your spouse for you. 1. With dating the seeds are planted for Jealousy! I don't care if you are 11 or 20, this is just part and parcel of the Dating Game. Once two people decide that they are a 'match' they find themselves either jealous of who someone talks to or even looks at! Why? because they are TO YOUNG to handle it. That is NOT contentment! But if you get them safely married off at 18, then they will never be jealous.  Not because they will be suddenly be mature just because they took marriage vows with somebody they don't really know, but because they really couldn't care less about their marriage partner and whom he or she talks to, or has an affair with. 4. The "Dating Game" breeds flirting! We find while looking at the examples of whorish women in the Bible that flirting should be totally UNACCEPTABLE! Flirting is not just the batting of eyes, it is the clothes they wear, it is the way they MOVE (body language), the way they talk, and their make-up. Their appearance speaks volumes. IF that 'appearance" is not so important then why did God take such care in showing us by example after example how this woman conducted herself? And then showed the evil and dangers that it resulted in? If Jezebel hadn't been allowed to date, she would have been a nice housewife married to an accountant instead of a whorish queen of Israel who ended up being eaten by dogs.  And we know that she was a flirt because she got Ahab to worship Baal.  This means that she probably read Dr. Laura's book on how to manipulate husbands into doing what you want, and Dr. Laura's technique requires some heavy-duty flirting. 7. The "Dating Game" breeds confusion!   [...]  As I wrote earlier, the heart begins to tell that 16 year old that this boy/girl he/she fancies is 'the one'.. must be love. She/he begins to write notes signing their name with LOVE, giving to that person the very thing that is only theirs to give. NO DOUBT this will happen over and over again when they start out so young. They GIVE THEMSELF FOR IT! What if Christ had done the same? What if He had not waited until it was His time?  Yes, what if Jesus had written love notes to various girls in his junior high classes instead of being crucified when it was His time?  Then where would we all be? 10. The "Dating Game" breeds rebellion!. No matter what boundaries we set, children always want more. It is the give and inch, take a mile syndrome. Next thing you know their sneaking and breaking rules and even laws.. "Not my son or daughter", yes yours and mine! It's true!  Let your children date, and the next thing you know, they're wanting to drive cars, read books, and even make their own decisions.  And then they start breaking the law: driving faster than the speed limit, littering, committing murder, etc.  Yes, YOUR son and daughter!  Mine too, except that mine are cats and are fixed, so they don't really date much these days. 12. The "Dating Game" breeds distrust! On again off again relationships! Break ups! Before you know it, they are so used to being lied to, fooled, that they become accustomed to feeling betrayed. They begin to distrust US their parents. That's the worst thing about having your kids' hearts get broken -- it causes them to distrust even YOU!  So, never let your kids date, because it might cause them to become bitter and cynical about love, and therefore undermine your authority over them. Now to sum things up: Many may feel that this is to 'narrow' a way of thinking. But we are to be 'narrow' in our thinking and parents and Christians. This may seem strange and odd, but, the Bible tells us we are to be strange and odd does it not? Well, if it tells us to be "peculiar," but I don't think it says we have to be "weird" and "obsessive about our kids."  But if it did, I think Mom of 9 is well on her way to obeying that commandment. 5:17:30 AM

Spiritual Sunday To atone for Sex Thursday, here are some items to increase your purity.  Or something. We start with a paragraph from Frank Rich's review of the Grizzly Adams Productions DVD entitled George W. Bush: Faith in the White House. More than any other campaign artifact, it clarifies the hard-knuckles rationale of the president's vote-for-me-or-face-Armageddon re-election message. It transforms the president that the Democrats deride as a "fortunate son" of privilege into a prodigal son with the "moral clarity of an old-fashioned biblical prophet." Its Bush is not merely a sincere man of faith but God's essential and irreplaceable warrior on Earth. The stations of his cross are burnished into cinematic fable: the misspent youth, the hard drinking (a thirst that came from "a throat full of Texas dust"), the fateful 40th-birthday hangover in Colorado Springs, the walk on the beach with Billy Graham. A towheaded child actor bathed in the golden light of an off-camera halo re-enacts the young George comforting his mom after the death of his sister; it's a parable anticipating the future president's miraculous ability to comfort us all after 9/11. An older Bush impersonator is seen rebuffing a sexual come-on from a fellow Bush-Quayle campaign worker hovering by a Xerox machine in 1988; it's an effort to imbue our born-again savior with retroactive chastity. As for the actual president, he is shown with a flag for a backdrop in a split-screen tableau with Jesus. The message isn't subtle: they were separated at birth. As as George taught us in the debates, it's hard work being Jesus.  And since this quality DVD is only $14.95, that's what everybody on my Christmas list will be getting this year.  Especially since if I pretend to be a church, the producers intend to send me a free copy, per WorldNetDaily ("The producers of a documentary about President Bush's faith hope to educate millions of Christians nationwide about the commander in chief's spiritual life by distributing DVD copies of the film to 300,000 churches – every church in the country with a mailing address.")  I think I will be Church O'Crap.  And it looks like George's faith got the production company worthy of it.  Consider such other fine Grizzy Adams features as Encounters With the Unexplained. From crop circles to the Egyptian pyramids, the mysterious deaths of Princess Diana and John F. Kennedy, Jr., and the elusive locations of the fabled Garden of Eden and Noah’s Ark, the Encounters series offers viewers provocative insights on a wide range of topics. And then there's the Bible Code series. Numerous new Bible Code discoveries are shared about historical Bible characters, Albert Einstein, Jesus, Messianic prophecies, Christ's crucifixion, John Glenn's trip into space, and more. This program also examines how the code is being used as a predictive tool in finding the Ark of the Covenant, oil in Israel, gathering military intelligence, and how researchers are finding themselves and their families in the code. Um, if you find that God is sending you coded messages about you and your family (or about military intelligence) in the Bible, I think it's time to take a break from all the decrypting and maybe read something else for a while. But I still think I'll be giving out George W. Bush: Faith in the White House this Christmas.  Because as a church, that's the one I'll get for free. So let's read one more portion of Frank Rich's piece: "Will George W. Bush be allowed to finish the battle against the forces of evil that threaten our very existence?" Such is the portentous question posed at the film's conclusion by its narrator, the religious broadcaster Janet Parshall, beloved by some for her ecumenical generosity in inviting Jews for Jesus onto her radio show during the High Holidays. Anyone who stands in the way of Mr. Bush completing his godly battle, of course, is a heretic. Hey, even if George gets voted out of office, he could still fight his battle against the forces of evil.  He should go to the Middle East and fight to his heart's content.  I mean, look at Joan of Arc -- she didn't let a little thing about not being King of France stop her.  I think she should be George's role model.  3:54:09 AM