October 4, 2004 by s.z.

Carnival of the Wingnuts

They're here, they're queer, and they don't want any more bears!

A brief Simpsons moment:

Aide: "Mayor Quimby, there's an unruly mob here to see you.

Quimby: "Do they, er, have a uh appointment?"

Aide "Yes."

Skinner: "I phoned ahead!"

1.  Let's start with Lee Ellis, "who formerly worked for CBS and USA Today" until the dementia kicked in. His article is called "A Vote for Bush Is a Vote for Life--Yours!"  (That's a pretty nice life you have there -- be a shame if somebody ended it because you didn't vote right.)

Lee starts by telling us that John Kerry only volunteered for Vietnam so he wouldn't get drafted, as opposed to George Bush, who joined the National Guard to take the fight to the enemy over the skies of Texas's Gulf Coast.

So, here we have a draft dodger who accidentally found himself in the Vietnam War compared with a presidential candidate who flew many missions in a dangerous plane out over the Atlantic, completing five years of military service in the Texas Air National Guard.

There you have wingnuttery at its finest.  Yes, George is the war hero because he didn't actually go to war, while Kerry is the draft dodger because he volunteered for service, served heroically, and got medals. 

Now, on to the next point: George is the more virtuous because he abused alcohol, used drugs, and was the screw-up scion of a rich family.

Kerry never changed his opportunist path through life, but George W. Bush changed his life at an early age  by becoming a true man of faith and compassion and marrying a woman of strong faith as well. 

Yes, he reformed at the "early age" of 40.  (Lee makes me feel so young!) Of course, to Republicans, "youthful indiscretions" are any committed by them (or their their guy) before last week. 

Oh, and here's a little glimpse of Bush's compassion to a fellow Christian:

"Please, don't kill me." -- Gov. George W. Bush, with lips pursed in mock desperation, mimicking death row inmate Karla Faye Tucker (after ordering and presiding over her execution),Talk Magazine, 1999

But it seems that President Bush's compassion is what makes him such a great warrior.

President Bush was the first president who understood the meaning of strength and of applying consequences to back up his words. 

Watch it, Lee -- Peggy Noonan will knife you for dissing Reagan that way!

For years, the terrorists had their way with Clinton and the Democrats,

So the terrorists had sex with Clinton.  Interesting.

 ... literally calling them weak paper tigers who would do nothing to retaliate against the many attacks on American ships and embassies.  It was this encouragement that allowed the terrorists to create 9/11!

Then came George Bush and everything changed! 

Yes, the terrorists realized that George Bush was no paper tiger, and everything changed, meaning they actually attacked America this time.  (Kinda hard to get around that, Lee.)

No wonder the terrorists want Kerry to win when he has said that he will not attack without a global test!  Kerry will also do away with the Patriot Act which will then allow the sleeper cells to flourish once again in each of our neighborhoods. 

I wonder who belongs to the sleeper cell in my neighborhood.  Probably the Johnsons -- they go to bed really early. 

Lose this war, and it will be ''Open Sesame'' for all terrorists to attack the USA again! 

Again.  Like they did when George Bush came along, and everything changed.

Win it, and we will save hundreds of thousands of American lives. Remember only George W. Bush and his current strong administration can supply the one thing that the terrorists respect--strength!  Vote for Bush!  Vote for life--yours and your family's life.

"Vote for Bush Or Your Family Gets it."  A message brought to you by Bush-Cheney 2004.
 

2.  Now let's check in with Pastor Joseph Swank, if only for snappy title of his latest column: "Homosexual Conjugal Rights In Mexico? Homosexuals Know No Limits: Tempt Divine Wrath."  It's about how God is probably going to destroy Mexico.  And also Canada.  So don't look north or south, or you may be turned into a box of Morton's,

Sodom and Gomorrah came under the divine heel. In other words, there is a limit to divine grace. Once mortals push the divine over the eternal line, wrath follows as day follows night.

[...]

Therefore, when I read that a brand “new anti-discrimination rule could permit conjugal visits for gay inmates in Mexico City prisons,” according to the Association Press, I could not help but be unnerved. It’s still another snubbing of the divine moral code for a mortal-made disobedience.

So, it was homosexual conjugal visits that pushed God over the edge and caused Him to destroy the Cities of the Plains!  Another Biblical mystery solved! 

In a companion news item, I read that Manitoba, Canada, has stumbled upon a judge legalizing same-gender “marriages” there. So it goes in the increasingly godless, religiously liberal Canadian landscape.

Yeah, nobody is moral in North America these days but us.  We should probably find a new continent to inhabit, in case God's wrath spills over the borders a bit, and gets on Texas and Minnesota by mistake.

3.  But wait, there's more Swank!  Yes, the Pastor (whose congregation apparently all drifted off to Canada or something, leaving him with lots of free time to write articles for BushCountryOrg) has another column out this week.  So, let's give a quick glance to Temple Mount Endangered By Muslims Stomping On It: Biblical Prophecy.

Will thousands of Muslims gathering soon near the temple site cause Solomon’s original temple stable walls to crumble before the eyes of the world? It very well could happen.

And if it very well could happen, then we should get all worked up about it.  Yes, all those stamping Muslims could destroy Solomon's temple, which would ruin things for the Antichrist, because HE's supposed to demolish it.  And while we don't know who he is, he's around, and he's probably an anti-war protester.  

It’s ripe for the despot from hell. It appears as if he is alive now but his identity has not been revealed.

When the Antichrist does appear, he will come to the planet’s population as the man of peace. The world will have become so uptight over “wars and rumors of wars” that it will beg for someone to deliver it. Enter the Antichrist. [...] 

He will show his demonic colors at the mid-point of the Tribulation period when he enters the Holy City’s temple, desecrates the holy of holies, screeches to the world that he himself is deity, and then levels the city. That will usher in madness maximum.  

So, another reason to vote for George Bush -- so that he can keep the Muslims from stamping, and thus preserve the Temple of Solomon for the Antichrist.

4.  And speaking of screeching, here's Tamara Wilhite.  Her column for the week has the rather risque title "The C (Fill In The Blank) BS Network."

It’s no surprise that CBS’s viewership has plummeted dramatically since “Rathergate”

Well, it kind of is a surprise, especial to the Nielsen people:

Troubled CBS wins ratings

CBS handily won the ratings race during the first official week of the new television season, and stuck archrival NBC where it hurts the most: on Thursday night and among young viewers.

But I guess Tamara heard that thing about CBS ratings on Rush or something. and so didn't bother to fact-check.

 ... and that of the “CBS Evening News” has dropped 31 percent in the past week.

Nope again.

During the week it issued an apology for its "60 Minutes" story on President Bush's National Guard service, the "CBS Evening News" saw its average viewership drop by 500,000 viewers from the previous week, Nielsen said. However, in a slow news week, each of the news shows lost viewers: ABC also lost 500,000, and NBC 400,000.

CBS went from 7.4 million viewers to 6.9 million.  That's only a 31 percent drop if you live in BushCountry, like Tamara. 

My personal disdain for CBS was initiated in 1971 by then network president Robert Wood, who in his attempt to attract so-called “younger, urban” viewers, cancelled some of their most popular (and my favorite) programs—“Red Skelton”, “The Beverly Hillbillies”, and “Hee Haw”, (which ironically had been chosen in 1969 to be the summer replacement series for the Smothers Brothers, who, in CBS’s opinion at the time, were too liberal and irreverent for prime time!)

So, CBS cancelled "Hee Haw," and Tamara has never forgiven them for it.  That explains so much.

But CBS’s left-wing tilt dates at least a decade before Robert Wood’s presidency—and this in the area of news. Yes, even before Uncle Walter claimed nightly that his subtly Democratic-favoring statements were “That’s the way it was”, there was a CBS correspondent greatly admired by Cronkite, Edward R. Murrow, who no less than defamed my home state’s U. S. Senator, Joseph McCarthy, in his bashing of McCarthy on a program called “See It Now”.

Sorry, Tamara, "rehabilitating" Joe McCarthy is Ann Coulter's shtick. 

(You might recall that a couple of weeks ago, Tamara tried being Michelle Malkin and advocated interning Muslims.  She seems willing to go to any lengths to be the new uber-right bimbo, which is a dream destined to never be realized, as a glance in the mirror should have told her.)

5.  Carey "Pops" Roberts (to use Chris V's affectionate nickname for him) is back ranting on his favorite topic: those danged feminists!

There are three key words in Fem-Vocabulary. Pay close attention now, because these words have different meanings from their English counterparts:

1. Feminist: In the English language, "feminine" refers to a woman who is polite, modest, and comely. But in Fem-Speak, "feminist" has the exact opposite connotation: demanding, angry, and unkempt.

Let's see what the main definitions of "feminine" are in Merriam-Websterlandia:

Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French feminin, from Latin femininus, from femina woman; akin to Old English delu nipple, Latin filius son, felix, fetus, & fecundus fruitful, felare to suck, Greek thElE nipple
Date: 14th century

1 : FEMALE 1a
2 : characteristic of or appropriate or unique to women

Nothing there about being polite, modest, or comely --  just about having breasts.  But I guess in Pops' day, women were a lot more kempt, always wearing frilly dresses you could look up.  And they were nicer to old coots, never getting hostile when gents complimented them, the weaker sexm on their comely knockers, or pinched their bottoms.  Plus, they never demanded money before they would have sex with skinny, old guys.  Pops sure misses those days.

6.  The topic on everyone's mind: what will Judson Cox do, now that he's left his treasonous, terrorist college because it didn't bow down to his demand that it not show ""Fahrenheit 9/11"?

Well, it seems that he and a couple of his friends have started a newspaper.  And they need our help!

Dear fellow conservative,

You may recognize me as a political op-ed columnist and the President of the Foundation for Conservative American Values. 

Well, I mostly recognize you as the guy who wrote that piece about Cloned Pandas of Mass Destruction (but I thank Sadly, No! for the catchy phrase).

In this time of war, it is vitally important that we elect strong leaders who will protect our nation and strengthen our economy.  With a terrorist enemy that seeks to attack us anywhere we show weakness, it has never been more important that we elect the right people at every level of government, as it is now.

Because if the deputy of Mayberry, NC is weak on crime, then that's where the terrorists will strike!

The only way to save North Carolina is to start a conservative publication with state-wide distribution.

This is what we are doing!  We have the knowledge, experience and name recognition. 

Yes, everybody recognizes the name of Judson Cox -- he's that guy who was laughed out of Lees McRae college. 

Anyway, Judson is going to be the editor-in-chief of the paper.  And presumably the editorial writer, the reporter, and the printer (thanks to that laser printer he bought with his Mom's credit card).   But he has big plans for it.

With the first issue, we're set to become the most widely read, largest circulation publication in the state!

Uh huh.

We are ready to do the first issue as soon as we get the cash raised. 

Judson, we all still remember your failed conservative match-making business (here's the post where we discuss how you "discovered" the site, and here's the one where you were busted -- I urge all conservatives to review them before getting involved in Judson's wacky schemes).  

And I can't see a monthy newspaper which costs more than $3 an issue, especially one run by a known plagiarist, getting too many subscribers.  Maybe you should have stayed in school, Judson. 

FCAV supports The NC Conservative

Well of COURSE it does -- you're its President (and apparently 1/10th or so of its membership). 

Anyway, Judson tells prospective advertisers that his paper will have "an initial mailing of 500,000."  And after 499,800 of those copies go unread to the dump, I imagine there won't be a second edition.  And since you can read all kinds of wingnuttery on the web for free, I can't see anybody subscribing to the thing.  But hey, don't think of it as exchanging money for a publication you want to read, think of it as "Each dollar you contribute" being "a blow against the Democrat Party machine."  Plus, a chance to help Judson move out of Mom's basement.

7.  And in other shocking news, Jen Shroder has learned that the California schools are forcing kids to learn about Islam!

No, wait, the shocking news is that she's going to quit telling us that the CA schools are making kids become Muslims (and presumably also abandoning her quest to inform us of how the homosexual agenda is forcing kids to rape Lady Justice in the mire-filled streets). 

My youngest son is now past these inductive lessons and his most impressionable years. I am hoping to return to sharing the Gospel and local ministries. The BlessedCause part of my life is hopefully over for me. I've done what I can. Parents, stand up for your children. Get pro-active in public schools. Satan is after your children.

While we will miss Jen's unique take on things, we wish her well in her new ventures.  Seriously. 

3:44:12 AM