September 10, 2004 by s.z.

Disabled Family Circus Today's Cartoon  (See it here): Wow, since we cut back on the analysis, Family Circus has gotten scary!  Take today's strip, for instance.  In it, a mean, angry, violent-looking Billy is entering the house with a baseball bat on his shoulder, as if he's ready to bludgeon to death anyone who gets in his way.  He has something on his knee -- dirt, maybe, or blood ... somebody else's blood, most likely.  Billy says, "I skinned my knee.  I hope they don't put me on the disabled list." Analysis: Billy is wearing a black and red uniform -- which calls to mind Stendhal's classic Le Rouge et le Noir, which is about an ambitious young man who tries to kill his former mistress for exposing their affair.  This reinforces the idea that Billy has come into the house with murder on his mind.  We can only read part of the lettering on his shirt: "D-BAX." The full thing is most likely "RED-BAX" which is apparently a popular name for softball teams in Australia -- and so this part of the panel seems quite innocent and innocuous -- at FIRST.  For what does "Redbax" call to mind but "Redrum"!!!  And can't you just imagine the bat-wielding child saying, "Heeeere's BILLY! as he bashes in the door and then kills his family? So, obviously, Billy is George Bush.  The "skinned knee" refers to the recent revelations about his Texas Air National Guard service.  He hopes they don't place him on the "disabled list" (cause his popularity to slip in the polls).  Because if they do, somebody will have to die!  Will it be the former mistress who said too much to Kitty Kelley?  Will it be his wife and children, like in The Shining?  Or will it be John Kerry?  Only time will tell. Prediction: Time will tell that it will be Dick Cheney who feels the sting of Billy's baseball bat of wrath -- probably for talking too much and embarassing George.  But Dick only looks soft and doughy, and is actually a dirty fighter who will break George's kneecap, putting him on the disabled list.  And then, like Julien in Le Rouge et le Noir, Dick will be executed for his crime. Or maybe this cartoon conveyed something else to you.  If so, write an essay about it for for extra credit. 8:04:21 AM

They Call It 'Monomania' Here's Dick Morris: The decision to bring in Carville and Begala also begs a more fundamental question: Do they want Kerry to win? Both men are primarily loyal to the Clintons – Bill and Hillary. Clearly, the former president would like the former first lady to be president in 2008. And a Kerry victory would stand in the way. An axiom of politics is that generally you want your campaign advisers to hope that you win – and Carville and Begala may not pass that standard. Hey, Dick, I hear that Hillary and Bill ordered Carville and Begala to join Kerry's campaign so that in late October they can kill John Edwards and frame Kerry for it.  That way, Kerry will probably lose the election, leaving the way clear for a Hillary presidency in 2008.  And if that plan doesn't work, Hillary and her army of zombie Democrats will use the neutron bombs that Bill stole when he was President, and conquer America by force -- because she really, really wants to be President, and as a diabolical supervillain, there is no plan too evil or farfetched for her try. 7:07:26 AM

You Knew It Was Inevitable Peggy's back, and Ed has her!  Yes, it seems that Peggy Noonan is joining the RNC staff as Ed Gillespie's Senior Advisor -- presumably so they could meet their quota under the "hire the crazy" program.  Here's part of the press release:  Republican National Committee Chairman Ed Gillespie today announced that author Peggy Noonan will join the staff of the Republican National Committee as Senior Advisor to the Chairman beginning this week. "Peggy Noonan is a Republican legend. I'm grateful she's agreed to lend her vast talents to the Republican National Committee for the last months of this election cycle. Peggy is one of the most gifted writers of our generation. It's an honor to have her on our team as we work to deliver our message in the coming crucial months of the election," said RNC Chairman Ed Gillespie. Peggy is indeed a Republican (and urban) legend.  I mean, just the story of the supernatural dolphins alone assures her a place in the Big Book of Republican Myths.  A month ago Noonan took a leave of absence from her work as a contributing editor and columnist for the Wall Street Journal to work as an unpaid volunteer in the 2004 election effort. Since then she has worked on the Republican National Convention in New York. So, I take it that she will now be getting paid.  Let that be a lesson to the rest of you: if you quit your job at the WSJ in order to campaign for Bush for free as an Honorary Team Leader, then God will reward you with a place at the right hand of Ed Gillespie.  Anyway, in honor of one of the most gifted writers of our generation, here's a special edition of "Deep Thoughts, by Peggy Noonan."  Let's see if you can tell which bits o' wisdom were penned by Peggy, and which were written by humorist Jack Handey. I think I am correct in observing that modern presidents shy away from the Oval for addresses. But why? The big desk with the pictures behind is what people expect. That's where presidents talk. If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's 'fashionable'." But he won't. And you know why? Because you can't ask someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to be friendly and say, "By the way, what's fashionable?"   Mr. Bush also seems slightly afraid of his children. I don't know why exactly I say that; I've never seen them together in person and can't back it up, and yet I sense it's true.  There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves. Once we have cloning, we'll start growing cloned armies. Why shouldn't they fight for us? I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. "Skeletonism," I said to my friend. "I think it's a disease now. You get famous and then turn into a skeleton." It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons. You know him. He's not exotic. But if there's a fire on the block, he'll run out and help. He'll help direct the rig to the right house and count the kids coming out and say, "Where's Sally?" He's responsible. He's not an intellectual. Intellectuals start all the trouble in the world. And then when the fire comes they say, "I warned Joe about that furnace." And, "Does Joe have children?" And "I saw a fire once. It spreads like syrup. No, it spreads like explosive syrup. No, it's formidable and yet fleeting." When the fire comes they talk. Bush ain't that guy. Republicans love the guy who ain't that guy. Americans love the guy who ain't that guy. I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on. Let me know if you need any help with this quiz. 3:40:38 AM