September 25, 2004 by s.z.

Carnival of the Conspiracy Theories

1.  Let's start with Paul Weyrich, the co-founder of the Heritage Foundation and one of the people behind the Christian Right movment.  He has uncovered a shocking conspiracy: MemoGate was dreamed up by the commies to keep the Evangelicals from voting!

In the early 1990s I was flying to Washington from Eastern Europe -- on Pan Am, which then flew such routes. I had been in the former Soviet Empire helping the fledgling democracy movements. Seated across the aisle was a fellow whom I judged to be in his middle forties and a lady who looked vaguely familiar.

After the lady went to the restroom the fellow leaned down to me and said, "You're Paul Weyrich, aren't you?" When I replied in the affirmative he said, "Look, I can't be caught dead talking with you. You see, next to me, is Susan Estrich." (She was Michael Dukakis' 1988 Campaign Manager.) He said he was affiliated with the (more moderate) Democratic Leadership Council. "Do you have any idea how much the collapse of the Soviet Union has disoriented people like Estrich and the far left? They never would admit it but the Soviet Union always was their anchor. Now that it is crumbled they don't know what to do. They are really in a state of utter turmoil." He said all this with his eyes firmly faxed on the restroom door. As soon as the door opened he jumped across the aisle and was standing in the expected place for Susan Estrich to return to her window seat. That short conversation -- more a statement than a conversation -- took my breath away.

Sadly, Paul still doesn't realize he was punk'd.   (I'd love to try that airplane bit myself; I'd inform credulous suckers that the person who just went to the restroom was Annie Jacobsen, and she's really married to Cat Stevens, and gets her orders from Mecca.) 

Paul goes on to reveal how Estrich, who pundits for Fox News now, let her true colors (red) show when she wrote about the nasty rumors which could be used against Bush in retaliation for the SwiftVet stuff.

That, in fact, is a tactic taught by Lenin -- as, of course, by others we also don't want to emulate. When you can't win a political argument, go after your opponent's character. If you must make up stories, don't hesitate. So, after all these years, I am discovering what that stranger on the aircraft had implied: that the lady apparently is a leftist whose anchor in some respects might have been -- he thought, was -- the Soviet Union.  

You know, that would make a great Cold War thriller: a Soviet sleeper agent works her way into Fox News, and is accepted by America as fair and balanaced -- until she called into action to publicize Kitty Kelley's claim that Bush used cocaine at Camp David.  I'd call this thriller The Medellin Candidate.  Maybe I could get the late Robert Ludlum to serve as co-author.

Then there is the Ben Barnes episode. Once a Texas Democratic political power and Lieutenant Governor, Mr. Barnes now claims he used his influence to get young George Bush into the Texas Air National Guard and did so that Bush could avoid the risk of service in Vietnam. Barnes says he is ashamed. Should Barnes also be ashamed that he once testified under oath that he did not use his influence for that purpose? 

Of course, what Barnes testified to, under oath, was that he DID use his influence to get Bush into the Guard.   It looks like Paul was punk'd again -- either by the White House, the RNC, or Joe Scarborough!  They probably took his lunch money too.

And now Paul explains why Estrich (and presumably her Commie masters) are smearing the the President: to disenfranchise Evangelicals.

What's the motivation? Kelly is selling books and evidently raking in a bundle. The political people almost assuredly -- and cleverly -- are reaching to the Evangelical voter (using the word "Evangelical" inclusively). They know that millions of Evangelicals did not vote in 2000, many of them turned off by last-minute charges about a supposed DWI arrest when Bush was 20 years of age, charges the Bush campaign people handled maladroitly. The Evangelicals did not want to vote for Gore, so they stayed home.

It's sad to think that people would campaign upon untruths and half-truths but some do. The Bush Campaign must respond clearly and decisively if it expects to avoid a 2000 replay.

Bush really WAS arrested for driving while intoxicated.  The White House has acknowledged it.  (I guess that's what you mean about the campaign people handling it maladroitly.)  You can see a copy of the arrest record here.  Um, but Bush was 30 years of age at the time, as everbody knows. 

Paul, you are really a commie agent sent here to be an idiot and so discredit the Republicans, aren't you?

2.  Human Events Online shares Paul's belief that MemoGate may have sinister foreign roots, but they don't have any corroberating evidence given to them by mysterious men in airplanes.   And that's why DOJ must prosecute the forger -- you know, to show bin Laden and/or France that we don't appreciate their attempt to smear our President.

The logical suspicion is that a domestic enemy of this particular President created the forgeries CBS made into global news. But for all we know now it could have been a foreign enemy of the United States. That is why Justice must do its job: Find the culprit, indict.  

However, HEO Assistant Editor David Freddoso believes that the Kerry campaign could be behind the forgeries; at a minimum, they must have had foreknowledge of them.  After all, Ed Gillespie said so, and if you can't trust a nonpartisan source like him, who can you trust?

"Did the Kerry campaign know about the existence of the documents in question in advance of the CBS report? A chronology of events indicates they did," Gillespie told reporters in a September 22 conference call.

For example, Kerry's response to Bush's September 2 convention speech--a scathing Kerry indictment of Bush's service during the Vietnam era--came as a surprise to many pundits. Kerry, who had just suffered through weeks of ads questioning his brief Vietnam service, presumably would have wanted to shift attention away from the Vietnam era.

So, if Kerry reacted to the attacks on his war record by attacking Bush's, it's proof positive that he knew in advance about the forged documents.  Because why else would Kerry bother to defend himself from the SwiftVets slimy accusations?

Unless ... Kerry is also a communist sleeper like Susan Estrich!!!  Now it all makes sense!  

3.  FrontPageNews, which functions as Nutty Conspiracy Central, interviews Jayna Davis, who's written a book detailing her case that al Qaeda/Iraqi intelligence agents helped Timothy McVeigh blow up the Oklahoma City building.  But, like in any good conspiracy story, the authorities refuse to believe her, just because she's a nut.  And because they didn't listen to her, they failed to prevent 9/11.

FP: Why has this story been untold up till now? Why did the FBI not pursue the Islamic/Iraqi connection?

Davis: [...]  That question should be posed to the former administration and the handful of officials who were charged with investigating and prosecuting the bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Building.  The survivors and slain of April 19 deserve justice and our country deserves the truth. Was Oklahoma City the silver bullet that could have prevented 9-11?

I leave the outcome and pursuit of justice to the American people. If my readers believe that I have presented evidence beyond a reasonable doubt for foreign complicity in the Oklahoma City bombing, then I implore concerned citizens to start a grass roots campaign to demand the arrest, interrogation, and criminal prosecution of the Iraqi suspects identified in my book.  

After all, if the man whom multiple eyewitnesses positively pegged as the third terrorist had foreknowledge of the 9-11 plot [He allegedly told his therapist that he was afraid that if anything happened at Logan airport where he worked, that he would be blamed for it -- possibly because Jayna keeps accusing him by name of being "the third terrorist", and it's getting to him.  Jayna considers this evidence that he had foreknowledge of 9/11], then what do he and his Iraqi cohorts know about the next strike Al-Qaeda is planning to execute within our borders?   American lives hang in the balance.  We cannot afford to speculate that these men will not be re-activated to construct more truck bombs like the one that levelled a nine-story building in 1995.

Hey, maybe Dick Cheney can back Jayna's grass roots campaign to see these men convicted of terrorism and mass murder, based on the fact that they are from Iraq.  Failing that, all Arabic immigrants should be interned, like Michelle Malkin recommends.  You know, so they don't construct more truck bombs, blow up more buildings (but fail to hit the NY Times building), and then frame innocent white Christians.

4.  And speaking of Michelle Malkin, here's the conclusion of her FrontPageNews interview:

FP: President Bush calls you tomorrow and asks your advice on homeland security policy aimed at protecting America from Islamic extremists. He asks how you think his administration is doing and also what it should do. What would you say to him?

Malkin: I would tell him he is doing a fine job waging the War on Terror overseas but that his efforts here at home are seriously deficient. I would advise him to fire Norm Mineta and replace him with John Lehman or someone else who supports racial, religious, and nationality profiling in airport screening. It is long past time to get serious about border security. I would tell him to fire Tom Ridge and replace him with Tom Tancredo.  Above all, I would advise him that if he is re-elected he should re-appoint John Ashcroft as Attorney General. Bush should go out of his way to praise Ashcroft. Often.

 Yes, if only we used more racial, religious, and nationality profiling in this country, maybe Ashcroft would have at least ONE successful terrorism prosecution.

5. And lastly, here's Jen Shroder, who has some advice for us ladies.  While she doesn't claim that the homosexual agenda or the Muslims are behind the breakup of her marriage (this is about the page on her site which is conspiracy-free), after reading Jen's words I realized that it's true what you people had been telling me: Dr. Laura really IS recycling Fascinating Womanhood in her two latest books.  Why isn't the FBI investigating this hideous plot against humanity?

Is your marriage failing? Does your boyfriend avoid proposing? Do you feel cherished?

No.  No.  No.  So, tell me more, Jen.

Most of my adult life I was a modern woman equipped with feminist beliefs. Then I read an old book called Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin, and it radically changed my life, second only to the Bible.

Remember how we learned from Mrs WorldNetDaily Farrah that Dr. Laura's Woman Power is second only to the Bible.  Already the conspiracy is taking shape.

I've had more proposals these last 7 years than I did in all my younger years, when I was thinner and far prettier. I've had to refrain from using the principals of the book because I was seriously hurting many male friends when I wasn't interested in them romantically. 

Yes, one can be too fascinating, alas.  Fascination should be used responsibly, and not on men whom you consider "just friends."  However, Jen reveals that she uses the book's ideas sucessfully on her father, so I guess she doesn't mind getting proposals from him.

Just try commenting on the muscles or strength of men and watch the flowers pile up.

Like Dr. Laura said: Just admire him, compliment him in a sweet voice, and give him sex whenever he wants it.  "Just a look of the eye, the tone of a voice, the touch of a hand. Simple. A few minutes each day . . . tops."  It seems Jen has already learned these lessons well from the proto-Laura.

Before I started to refrain from making such comments, I'm sure my florist was beginning to wonder why I was receiving so many flowers from so many different men. My neighbors must have wondered why this "Christian" woman had so many men offer to come over and do MANual labor around her house.

It certainly wasn't what they suspected. I lived a decadent life prior to committing my life to God, and I did the things many would attribute the attention to, but I wasn't receiving the attention back then, because men do not value worldy women. They do appreciate women with high godly standards 

So, Jen claims that she doesn't follow Dr. Laura's "give him sex whenever he wants it" part of the formula  Well, the florist may buy her story, but apparently the neighbors don't. 

Ladies, we can have almost anything we want if we would just learn how to ask! Men love to spoil us if we would just respond in a feminine way.

Men will swim through shark-infested water to bring us lemonade!

It's an art, and it's lost in America. If you want a healthy enjoyable marriage, find it. This book is a great way.

There are always copies of Fascinating Womanhood for sale at the local thrift store for 50 cents each.  If Jen can create a demand for it, I will buy up a bunch of copies and sell them to Dr. Laura fans for, say, $20 each.  I'll be rich, I tell you, RICH!  And fascinating. 

4:00:20 AM