August 18, 2004 by s.z.

Family Circus Vs. The Angels Today's Cartoon  (See it here): Today's cartoon is done in shades of black and gray.  If features a confident Dolly and a doubtful Jeffy standing outside in the bushes, looking at the night sky.  Dolly says, "I wonder if the angels ever play connect-the stars." Analysis What the heck are Dolly and Jeffy doing outside, alone, in the middle of the night? I suspect that Mommy got an idea from the story of Hansel and Gretel, and dumped the youngsters in the woods with the suggestion that they look for houses made of candy.  Of course, the kids were too stupid to think of that bread crumbs trick, and so are counting on the angels to save them.  They will soon become feral, and will be featured on a National Geographic special ("The Children Who Were Raised by Prairie Dogs") in 2006. Prediction This "night for night" cartoon is one of Keane's darkest -- its like looking into a Dark Window.  So, Bil is predicting that Pete M. will use his popularity as a prognosticator of comic strips to become a syndicated prophet.  His column will be picked up by the NRO, Townhall, the Washington Times, and The Rant.  Then Pete will admit that he was just stringing them all along, and the angry editors will dump him (and his colleague Seb from Sadly, No!) into the wilderness to be eaten by wolves.  However, the angels will save them. But hey, let's hear from Pete: No prediction tonight. I think Keane's telling us that every once in a while it's a good idea to forget about all the madness going on in the world and simply go outside and contemplate the heavens. Well, there's also little Turkee enjoying a smoke and fondling himself but we'll overlook that bit. Pete M.   Okay, maybe I was wrong about that "popularity as a prognosticator" part.  But what do YOU think this cartoon means?  6:34:00 AM

Townhall Review A couple of common themes this week: the Swift Boat Vets, and James McGreevey.  Plus, polite children are pansies, the righteouness of wasting FBI time to intimidate antiwar protesters, another Mike Adams attempt to make women like him, and Ben Shapiro's coverage of the summer Olympics.  Rebecca Hagelin Rarely is the question asked: are your children brats?  Want to know how you're doing as a parent? Check out how your children are doing when it comes to minding their manners. And then, after you realize that your kids just can't compare with Rebecca's (or Meghan Gurdon's), force them to read Mrs. Rick Santorum's book, "Everyday Graces." As Santorum points out, "a sweet-tempered child is the pansy of the home." And we all know what Rick thinks of pansies. It's common-sense stuff, and other books include this information. But Santorum uses stories one can't forget to illustrate her points and point out that it's not the rules, but the underlying principles that matter. It's being considerate. It's being thoughtful. It's being helpful, generous and respectful. That Mr. Santorum and many of his Republican colleagues don't demonstrate these qualities proves that their parents did a crappy job of raising them. Mike Adams Dr. Mike writes to ten college women's resource centers, tells them he's a noted Townhall pundit, and volunteers to speak to them about how women can make themselves safer by packing heat.  Nobody accepts Mike's generous offer, allowing him to devote a column to mocking them.   Bucknell University. No response. I suppose that they were unable to fit me in between the “safer sex” forum, the “sex discussed here” forum, and the “love your body” forum. The “love your body” forum helps to reduce STDs and pregnancies by encouraging women to gain weight and be happy with their own bodies, regardless of what a man thinks. “Love your body” day is often endorsed by university wellness centers, not to mention Pee Wee Herman.   Yes, the only reason that nobody (and I mean nobody) wants Mike to speak to them is because he is a conservative -- it has nothing to do with the fact that he's an obnoxious prat. Michelle Malkin Michelle thinks it's great that the FBI is questioning peace protesters.  We're at war, after all, and the FBI needs to protect us from peace.  Some of those who have been questioned by the FBI say they were "harassed" and scared by armed agents who visited their homes. Boo hoo. What do they want the agents to do? Would showing up in clown suits with squirt guns in their holsters make them feel less frightened? These are serious men and women doing serious jobs in serious times. Grow up.  Yes, in these serious times, having the FBI track down protesters and ask them if they are going to commit crimes at the Republican Convention is a serious job that needs to be undertaken -- because anybody planning disruptive activities will certainly tell the Bureau about it when asked.  This makes us all a little safer.  But what would make us even safer is internment camps for antiwar protesters and other people Michelle doesn't like.  Brent Bozell It's SO UNFAIR that the "cream of the liberal media crop" won't report on the Swift Boat Vets allegations, but they DID cover Kerry's acceptance speech at the Democratic convention.  It's like they are in love with Kerry or something, because they NEVER give Bush any favorable media coverage! In February, when the story was George W. Bush's service in the Texas Air National Guard, Bush's most prominent accusers weren't his colleagues in the Texas Guard. That's because nobody remembered serving with him.  Brent, honey, is that something you really want to be bringing to everyone's attention? Kathleen Parker Kathleen weighs in on the James McGreevey affair. It is ludicrous, besides, to suggest that being gay is an obstacle to personal growth and expression in our "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" culture. The only way we could be any gay-friendlier would be to pipe show tunes into interstate rest stops.   Kathleen, I don't think McGreevey or his supporters were suggesting that being gay limits "personal growth," they were saying that being gay limits political careers.  But you already knew that and were just being disingenuous, I bet. Ben Shapiro We only care about the Olympics "because we want to watch American athletes beat the snot out of everyone else."  But ever since we won the Cold War, the Olympics are a sham, because we don't hate England or Australia, so who cares if we lose to them?  If only al Qaeda had an Olympic team, then maybe the games would be interesting again.  And anyway, the Arab athletes don't like the Israelis.  So why in hell does John Kerry want America to be part of a world that contains other nations? Too bad that the absence of a "family of nations" goes unrecognized by Democratic candidate John Kerry. To him, America is merely one member of a family of nations -- and do we really want to abandon our family? This seems to be Kerry's main criticism of the Bush administration: that under President Bush, America has alienated members of our family. Washington state Gov. Gary Locke raised this point at the Democratic National Convention: "A safer America is not an America standing alone. It's an America standing with our allies standing inside, not outside the family of nations."  If there is a family of nations, it's a vicious, homicidal, perverted, degraded, dysfunctional, inbred group of mongrels. Mongrel nations? Is Ben advocating racial purity.  (If he is, then he shouldn't be knocking inbreeding.) In any case, Ben has the makings of a fine Sean Hannity replacement, and I hope his time at Harvard doesn't teach him anything and thus spoil his chances.  (Oh, and I bet he'd find the Olympics more compelling if the Greco-Roman wrestling was done in the nude.) Gary Aldrich Once again, Gary reminds us that he used to be an FBI agent, and that he still hates Bill Clinton.  And because of that, John Kerry should release all of his personal records. We are a nation of laws, but in 1992, when Bill Clinton declared that he would not release his medical records to the media so that the nation would know if he suffered from some debilitating illness, the mainstream media didn’t even whimper. It's the law that a President has to release his medical records to the media, but Bill Clinton flouted it, and then thumbed his nose at the people of this nation by dying of tuberculosis while in office.   (Oh, and I glad to know that we are a nation of laws, because I always thought we were a nation of people.) Kerry will not release his medical records. Kerry will not release his military records. Kerry will not release records of the investigation conducted about his anti-war, anti-American activities, and Kerry will not release his IRS records which would show the source of his wealth, suggested as enormous. In short, Kerry will not produce any real evidence about his true character. He is suggesting, I suppose, that we should take his word for it. Or perhaps we should just guess. If Judge Judy heard Kerry’s flimsy case, not only would she throw it out, she probably would fine Senator Kerry fifty dollars for annoying the court and wasting its precious time.  So, per Gary's metaphor, Kerry has sued Bush in small claims court for, um, the presidency.  Kerry offers as evidence his decades of public service.  Bush counters with allegations that the terrorists are rooting for Kerry to win.  Judge Judy, who really needs to be on Prozac, throws out the case and fines Kerry for annoying her.  She also fines Bush for smirking.  He tells her that she is out of order.  She throws her gavel at him, and a Secret Service officer shoots her.  It's the best Judge Judy ever.  Next, on "The People's Court," it's the case of The United States Vs. Halliburton.  Watch as Judge Wopner sends Dick Cheney to jail for contempt.   Dennis Prager Dennis also addresses the James McGreevey matter, and has a cow over McGreevey's statement "I am a gay American," alleging that McGreevey just said it because gays get all the breaks.  And besides, McGreevey's not even gay! What makes the assertion even more manipulative is that it may not even be true. The odds are that the governor is not homosexual but bisexual. On the assumption that having been married twice he has had sex with at least two women, and on numerous occasions, it is quite likely that he was able to perform sexually with them -- presumably in a way that did not arouse their suspicions. How is this to be explained? Aren't we repeatedly told by gay spokesmen that a homosexual man can no more enjoy sex with a woman than a heterosexual man can enjoy sex with a man?  Either this assertion is false or Governor McGreevey is not "a gay American." The odds are therefore overwhelming that Governor McGreevey is a bisexual who prefers men.  But if he had announced he was bisexual, he would have received far less sympathy, because unlike homosexuals, bisexuals do have a choice.   The 1948 Kinsey Report found that "37% of males had at least some overt homosexual experience to orgasm."  10% of males were "more or less exclusively homosexual and 8% of males were exclusively homosexual for at least three years between the ages of 16 and 55."  However, only 4% of men had been "exclusively homosexual after the onset of adolescence up to the time of the interview." So, apparently only 4% of men are homosexual.  However, 33% are bisexual, because even if they might consider themselves heterosexual or homosexual, they have "done it" at least once with somebody of the same and/or opposite sex.  Therefore, since this 33% of men (including the 10% who are more or less exclusively homosexual) "have a choice," they should all marry women and father children. And for those who believe that society unfairly pressures men to marry women, I suggest asking Mr. McGreevey this: "If you could do it all over again, would you have never made love to a woman, never married and never had the two daughters you have?" Yes, society pressures men into marriage, and admittedly, some men, not only gays, should not marry. But without that pressure, far fewer men would marry. Just as McGreevey may have always preferred sex with men, most heterosexual men married to a woman would prefer sex with a succession of women to sex with only one.  It's the Rabbi Shmuley Boteach argument: since no man really wants to be married to one woman anyway, the gay ones should just suck it up like everybody else.  You know, for the sake of the woman and children.  As a woman, I find this rather depressing.   Doug Giles Since Michael Moore's movie is allowed to play in movie theaters, for paying customers who want to see it, it's hypocritical for the Kerry campaign to seek to block the Swift Boat ads from the public airways. It seems the Swift Boat Vets have delivered a swift kick to Kerry’s crotch.  Ouch!  That’s gotta hurt.  What’s ironic -- and typical -- is the Left’s hysterically hypocritical spin machine screaming for the Swifties’ 411 to be immediately Dixie Chicked.  The self- righteous, first amendment waving, Michael Moron embracers are not so free with freedom of speech when it happens to slow roast their presidential nominee a mere 80 or so days before the nation schleps to the polls. What’s funny, [not funny, “ha-ha” … funny “weird”] is as long as the information comes from one uberliberal, overweight, college dropout with a communist bent, who routinely attempts to make “W” look like a greedy gnome who wrongfully plays golf while he unrepentantly sends our kids to the Gulf, well … that’s cool.  Spreading such misinformation, created from the ether by one of the left’s darlings should not, according to most liberals, be examined.   No! It should be believed and be considered inerrant and infallible, and the purveyor of such rank propaganda lifted high as a prophet. Doug could accept that George Bush was a greedy gnome, if only Moore had graduated from college and wasn't overweight. If Unfit for Command is true, then the half-inflated raft on which Kerry’s campaign is currently floating, i.e., his allegedly heroic four months in ‘Nam is sunk.  [Four months?  I took woodworking shop for four months 29 years ago, but that sure doesn’t mean I’m fit to take Bob Vila’s job.]  Of course, Kerry served in the Navy from December 1967 to January 1970.  He was wounded three time in Vietnam, and received 3 Purple Hearts, a Silver Star, and a Bronze Star during those four months in Vietnam.    However, despite Doug's heroic service in woodshop, he was never awarded any medals for heroism, and that birdhouse he built was not considered service to his country.  And he doesn't get to be Bob Vila OR President.  And that's just so unfair! So, Doug urges Kerry to just admit that he lied about his war record -- for Kerry's own good, of course.  Look, even if you don’t get elected, if you lied and now confess it, at least you’ll sleep better at night and something really rewarding will happen.  Allergan© will hire you to be one of their Botox spokes models.  Or maybe you’ll get an offer to get into celebrity boxing.  I’m thinkin’ a John Kerry vs. Janet Reno match could prove a lucrative contest.  I know it would blow away, ratings wise, last Thursday’s Joey Buttafuoco vs. Joanie Laurer bout.  You remember those three hours a day that the congregation was supposed to give the pastor for study?  Well, I think we know what Doug has been doing with his. My ClashPoint is this, Senator: President Bush was flambéed for his honorable Texas National Guard record, and grilled by the 9/11 Commission.   So, don’t think it’s too much for you to answer, now, the accusations leveled at you by your fellow Swifties. Um, I can kinda see a parallel with the queries about Bush's Air National Guard service (in that it was military service, and deals with stuff that happened a long time ago), but why the heck does the fact that Bush had to answer the 9/11 Commission's questions about his performance as President in the days leading up to the most devastating terrorist attack on American soil, obligate Kerry to respond to partisan political attacks on his military record?  So, allay our concerns, Mr. Kerry.  Weigh in and show us the Swift Boat Veterans are wrong.  Prove to us that your Tour of Duty was not a ton of dooky.  Doug is really proud of that "ton of dooky" phrase, since he also used it as the title of this column.  No wonder it has been said (by Doug) that "As an effective communicator, radio show personality, theologian, and cultural analyst, Doug is positioned to cause major damage to Satan's crumbling kingdom."  Yes, he will blast it to smithereens with craptacular metaphors, pop culture refs, and generally bizarre prose.  I'm sure Satan is shaking in his shoes. And that's this week's Townhall Review.  Good night and may God bless. 5:49:46 AM