August 28, 2004 by s.z.

Soon to Be a Reality TV Series On Fox

It's time for another Wo'C World's Worst Parent™ competition.  Read through our nominees, and then vote for your favorite.  

A.  We start, of course, by checking in with Meghan Cox Gurdon and the little ones (Halogen, Mimosa, Sashimi, and Lardoon).  And, of course, TBogg has made this week's Fever Swamp into a thing of beauty and a joy forever. 

The storyline this time is that Meghan and her mother end the kiddies' vacation (and their innocence) by taking them to a Maine county fair.  But, alas, the fair has gone all PC and upscale by complying with the state health code, causing Meghan to lament the good, old carnie days of her childhood, when geeks would bite the heads off of chickens, human freaks would parade their deformities to lowbrow hicks, and hootchie-cootchie dancers would shake their groove things in wanton displays of carnality and lust.  Ah, life was so much simpler and finer back then! 

Anyway, Granny, tenderhearted, weak-minded liberal that she is, gets upset at the cruelty to animals that is a county fair.  Meghan, however, is made of sterner, tougher, "animals vil be bred und slaughtered" conservative stuff, and uses this as a teaching moment.

The children watch, mildly curious. "Why is the girl hitting the cows?" Phoebe asks, and Molly says, "What's wrong, Granny?" and Granny mutters, "I would think you'd get points for not using the whip."

Hey, spare the whip and spoil the oxen, Granny.  If you were a good parent like Meghan, you'd know that.

"It doesn't seem fair, hitting them," Molly says, taking up the theme as Granny disappears into the benignity of the fairgrounds. I know what she means. You watch a farmer whacking and yelling at a pair of dull-witted beasts, which stumble and pull over a short distance a weight so massive that its passage leaves a hard shiny streak along the dirt floor. And you think to yourself, poor oxen, why is this yokel whacking and yelling at them? Don't these people have tractors?

In a flash, I see how to explain it. "It may look cruel, but what you're seeing here, children, is the origin of our incredible success as a species," I say. "It was man's discovery that he could harness and domesticate creatures such as these oxen that allowed us to develop agriculture, and it is farming that over many years permitted the growth of towns and cities."

Yes, children, while it may seem like beating animals is cruel, it's really not about the animals, it's about the triumph of progress.  And when we eat Twitchy, it may seem callous and hardhearted, but what you'll be seeing is man's discovery that rabbit tastes just like chicken.  

Join Meghan next week when she explains the Abu Ghraib abuses as "The origin of our incredible success at bringing freedom to ignorant savages."

B  Reader Greg offers a nomination for this week's competition: Lisa Whelchel, who used to play rich bitch Blair on "The Facts of Life."  Now she's a home-schooling wife of a fundamentalist Christian minister, and has written several how-to books about parenting, including one on creative punishments for kids.

The Wash Post recently did a piece on "hotsaucing"as a way to "spank the tongues" of misbehaving children.  Lisa's advice on the subject was featured.

The hot pepper technique's current popularity is due in part to Whelchel, a former Mickey Mouse Club Mouseketeer and actress who played the character Blair on the television series "The Facts of Life" in the 1980s.  

In "Creative Correction," now in its fifth printing, the mother of three provides parents with a variety of tips.

For example, she suggests hiding something a child has failed to put away, to teach the lesson that things left out may disappear. She suggests telling a child who refuses to hold your hand while crossing a street, "I can either hold your hand or hold your hair."

In addition, Whelchel offers the following: "For lying or other offenses of the tongue, I 'spank' my kids' tongues. I put a tiny drop of hot sauce on the end of my finger and dab it onto my child's tongue. It stings for a while, but it abates. (It's the memory that lingers!)"

Macing the kids will also create memories that linger.  In fact, any number of chemical weapons make great disciplinary aids, in that they require much less physical exertion on the parent's part than do old-fashioned beatings.

The Post reports that Lisa says that she knows that the technique can be "abused."  Which is good of her to concede, since a Google search of "hot sauce" "child abuse" and "murder" comes up with 145 hits.

"If there's a mom who shakes the bottle on the kid's tongue, that mom probably does deserve to have someone poking into her business," Whelchel said.

Probably???

"But I think most moms are caring and intuitive. You can't throw out a bunch of good stuff because of the exceptions."

"Caring and intuitive mothers choose Tabasco brand sauce."  That could be their new slogan!

"Creative Correction" provides long lists of scriptural passages that, in Whelchel's view, justify a variety of disciplinary practices.

For example, she quotes the Book of Proverbs -- "The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom, but a perverse tongue will be cut out" -- and follows with this suggestion: "A short pinch by a clothespin on the tongue can discourage foul language."

Hey, the book said "will be cut out" -- I didn't see anything about clothespins.  I doubt that God is going to approve of Lisa's modification of his parenting advice. 

And while a therapist advised that hotsaucing can burn a child's esophagus and cause the tongue to swell, posing a potential choking hazard, some mothers besides Lisa support the practice.

Crosen, who learned about the technique from a friend who carries packets of hot sauce in her purse to correct her own children's misbehavior, said she administers the sauce only "after many warnings, and for extreme circumstances," like when her son called his 3-year-old sister a "crybaby."

Whoa, if she considers that an "extreme circumstance" which requires a bio-chemical response, I'd never survive life at her house.

Like some other parents who use hot sauce, Crosen believes it is an appropriate punishment for "defiant talk. . . . I use it when the mouth is the offending party. He needs to learn to control what's coming out of his mouth. If it's his tongue that gets him in trouble, it's his tongue that gets punished." As a Christian, she believes that "children need to respect and obey [parents] or they won't learn to respect and obey God. God won't hot sauce you, but you need to learn consequences."

However, God WOULD hot sauce you if He wasn't so busy helping sports teams.

Anyway, Lisa recommends other creative disciplinary methods besides hot sauce -- such as spanking.  Let's enjoy an excerpt from her book.

Using corporal punishment while my children were young actually afforded our whole family more freedom in the long run, because it established boundaries and reminded the kiddos who was in charge--freeing me up to try other, more creative corrections as they matured.

Yes, like Meghan advised us once, if you break the poppets spirits while they're young, then it makes them much easier to control as you get older.  And they know that it hurts you a lot more than it hurts them.

Somehow, they intuitively know spankings are good for them, and that they receive them not only because they deserve it, but also because their parents love them.

Well, I intuitively knew that my father was big and scary and mean, and that he was hitting me because he was mad.  But let's see if Lisa can convince me otherwise.

Let me see if I can convince you.

[...]

Recently my older daughter defied her grandmother's instruction to put the Popsicle back in the freezer until after dinner. I stopped my work and called to her.

"Haven, meet me in the bathroom!"

A few minutes later, I found her there.

"Now, Haven," I began, "why are you getting this correction?"

Her head hanging, she mumbled, "Because I went ahead and ate the Popsicle even though Grandmother told me not to."

"Why was that wrong?" I persisted.

"Because Grandmother is my authority and I need to obey her."

I continued. "Why do you think she told you not to eat the Popsicle?"

Haven stared at the floor. "Because we're going to have dinner soon and it might ruin my appetite."

Haven," I told her, "I'm going to need to spank you because Proverbs 23:13-14 says, 'Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.' There may come a day when Grandmother tells you not to eat something because she knows it could make you sick. You must be in the habit of obeying her. Do you understand?"

"Yes, ma'am," she said quietly.

I beckoned her toward me, where I was seated on the toilet lid. "Now, lean over my lap."

She bent over, submitting to my instruction.

After I spanked her--eight times for her age--I invited her to sit on my lap. Cradling her in my arms, I said, "Haven, I love you and forgive you, but you need to ask Jesus to forgive you for not obeying Him. Remember, He is your ultimate authority."

Hey, when Jesus tells her to stay out of the popsicles, I bet she'll listen now!  

Next time: As an object lesson, Lisa puts poison in the Oreos and then forbids the kids to eat them.  Hey, the Bible mandates the death penalty for disobedient children.

C.  Reader Stan gives us another report on Canada's Slackiest Mom™, Gail Lethbridge:

First Megan starts channeling rabbits and now Gail thinks we will believe she wrote a letter to the tooth fairies. Somehow - wouldn't you know - Gail's failed membership in AA comes up, too.  

Stan then provides a copy of Gail's latest column.  It's just as whimsical and twee and obnoxious as Stan promised.  Here are some selections from it:

The following is a copy of a letter sent by me to the Canadian College of Tooth Fairies, Halloween Goblins and Sandmen. It's a regulatory body with disciplinary powers. I'm forwarding it to you, Reader, as I feel the issues raised are serious and in the public interest.

In the U.S, goblins have their own union.  I wonder if Bill O'Reilly will address the evils of Canada's socialist, anti-American sprite bureaucracy on an upcoming program.   

But here's Gail's letter: 

Madam:

It is with great disappointment that I draw your attention to a number of incidents showing questionable conduct on the part of tooth fairies licensed by your body.

The first episode occurred on Dec. 16, 2003, when a tooth fell out of the head of my seven-year daughter. Having lost teeth in the past, she followed the normal protocol of placing the fallen tooth under her pillow, expecting to find a small sum of money in its place the next morning.
Sadly, this was not the outcome. When my daughter awoke on Dec. 17, she found the tooth and no money.

And sadly, this was not the end of the story.  Gail and the husband told the kid to shut up and she'd get something good the next night.

And sure enough, the next morning, my daughter awoke to a toonie under her pillow.

Yes, the sadistic fairy took a page from The Godfather, and left something horrible in the girl's bed. (Okay, I don't know what a toonie is, but it sounds pretty disgusting.)

And then Gail goes on to blame the fairy for the declining levels of booze in the house.

It seems that at some point during her stay, your tooth fairy took a small detour TO MY BOURBON CLOSET! I know this because I've had to start marking bottles after a recent spot of trouble with some dust bunnies who've been helping themselves to the bourbon.

While Gail is trying for a light, Harvey-esque quality, I think our attitude about drunks who talk to hallucinations has changed over the years.  And anyway, Elwood P. Dowd wasn't intrusted with minor children.  So, I hope the socialist Canadian authorities finally take note of Gail's obvious pleas for help, and have a social worker do a home evaluation.

Well, those are our competitors this week: cast your vote now for (a) Meghan, (b) Lisa, or (c) Gail.  The winner will get a coveted World's Worst™ crown, and a cleaning service, bottle of hot pepper sauce, or quick and painless death (her choice). 

And feel free to email me with your nominees for next week's contest.

4:19:47 AM