August 29, 2004 by s.z.

When Metaphors Attack!  They must have been having an analogy sale in Doug Giles' neck of the woods this week. ("Come on down to Crazy Dave's House of Bargain Literary Devices, where you can get a bushel of slightly irregular comparisons for just $1!)  But that works out just fine, because Doug is (for the third week in a row) preaching the SwiftVets claims, a theme he got from Crazy Rush's House of Discount Dem Bashing. Let's just review the various metaphors and similes of his latest ouevre, "Kerry’s Crowd: Sweating, Squealing & Sinking," and see what we can learn from them. A fat guy in Miami wearing sackcloth, eating habanera peppers and doing pushups on sheet metal at noon in late August would sweat less than Kerry and his cronies, these days. Doug is saying that the Democrats are anxious, due to the SwiftVet claims. In fact, they’re coming unhinged like a stuck door at Jackie Chan’s house.  They are squealing louder than the wild boar I hit in the spine with a 100 grain Muzzy broad-head launched from my High Country bow while hunting in Texas.  The Kerry campaign is annoyed by the SwiftVet claims, and he, Doug Giles, is a manly man who shoots wild boards in the spine and rejoices at the squeals of pain.  Oh, and Jackie Chan uses WD-40 on his doors. The Bush haters are shifting, scratching, hemming, hawing and twitching like a 14 year old Amish boy whose mother has just fond his Playboy stash in the horse’s feed bag. The mainstream media are all Bush haters, and interviewing John O'Neill makes them uncomfortable.  Also, Doug can really relate to people from strict religious communities who are caught with porn.   . . . these dudes are either telling the truth … or else they are Lecter-like in their psychosis. Doug alleges that on these interviews, O'Neill and the "Swifties" (the one-hit wonder known for their song "The Leader of the Pack") seem calm and composed, proof that they are either truthful or cannibals. They flail their arms angrily in the air like an enraged Nell . . . Critics of Unfit for Command resort to waving their arms around like the cheaply animated girlfriend of Dudley Do-Right when she is trying to expose Snidely Whiplash's latest plan to hoodwink the citizens of Canada.  . . . his Exorcist, watch-my-head-spin, moment in Iowa . . . The liberals (who are presumably the same people as the Bush Haters, the Democrats, and the Kerry supporters) really wanted Howard Dean, until he revealed to the world that he was possessed by Satan. It must have been like arriving at a party a little late where the only thing left to drink is a hot, half-empty can of Schlitz, the only thing left to eat is a half-chewed pickle, and the only girl left to hit on is Courtney Love who’s passed out in the fireplace. Doug is never invited to parties, but shows up anyway, once he figures out where everybody is hanging out.   But he's thrown out, and resorts to scrounging for leftovers from the trash bin in the alley.  He ends up sleeping with a drunken woman he meets out there, and the next day convinces himself it was Courtney Love.  My ClashPoint is this: [...] Truth is confident … secure … and okay when questioned. Truth is an antiperspirant.  Fat people don't wear antiperspirant, which is why the guy eating hot peppers and doing pushups on the sheet metal roof is sweating.  Nobody likes being around hot, stinky, sweaty guys.  So, the Democrats shouldn't be allowed to live in America anymore. To sum things up: Doug has taught us that metaphors can be dangerous, and should only be used by trained professionals.  8:59:38 PM

Bill O'Reilly Identifies the Problem From his latest column: The contrived convention display on the part of both political parties isn't offensive to me, it's just meaningless. What is offensive is the debate structure. This year, the Presidential candidates will meet three times, the Vice Presidential guys once. But the format has a tragic flaw. The debate moderator can't interrupt the candidates. Yeah, and the moderator can't cut off their mics, or tell them to "shut up!"  That's what's wrong with the debate format. No wonder Bush won't agree to weekly debates. 4:58:37 AM