July 20, 2004 by s.z.

Four Leashes Family Circus Today's Cartoon  (See it here): After riding in a station wagon for 48 straight hours, the Keane family made it to the Grand Canyon.  Everyone is reacting to the scenic beauty in his or her own way.  Billy is doing splits.  Dolly is executing a Matrix"hanging in mid-air" move.  Jeffy, who had too much sugary Coke in the car, is flying like a hummingbird.  Daddy, who looks like a serial killer composite drawing, is tossing the spoiled PJ over the edge of the canyon.  Mommy, wearing a tank top, skin tight shorts, and a tiara, has four laser beams coming out of her head (but she could only manage little ones that don't reach her intended targets).  Mommy says to Daddy, "I'd feel better if we had four leashes." Analysis and Prediction.  I'm going to leave that to you.  But thanks to your tips, I did look at the fine print today, and it seems that this cartoon was originally published in 1982.  Like Yosef said,  Keane "still picks the cartoons he wants to run, based on their renewed relevance in today's world," and the fact that he knew back in 1982 that Bush was going to throw Donald Rumsfeld over the Grand Canyon (off of his new ticket) is only further proof of his amazing gift of prophecy! Important Note: I got a complaint today from somebody who says she's sick and tired of the Family Circus stuff -- this could be a widely shared sentiment.  Or not.  But anyway, maybe from now on we'll limit the FC analysis to Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  Everybody okay with that? But for today, here is some cutting-edge analysis of Keane's today's seminal "Four Leashes" panel by some of the best Keaneologists in the business. Tuesday's explication: "mommy" and "daddy" are at the edge of the GC, with Biffy, Biffy, Dolly and P. Biffy running wild. "mommy" is saying to "daddy" "I'd feel better if we had four leashes." this one writes itself. desert + wanting leashes = Abu GaRapeRooms prisoner abuse scandal. prognostication: since this is a multi-part series, a prognostication at this point would be premature (oh, Pete, you've already made one? well, that is your typical behavior, always a little early out the gate) so we can only marvel at Keane's prescience in these matters, since I think these cartoons were originally penned back in the 70's.  -- preznit giv me turkee. July 20 (My cocktail waitress/astronaut job got a little demanding, which was why I was unable to post yesterday. But here’s a picture of the gang at work. Guess which one is me! http://www.abc-kid.com/jetsons/index18.html .  By the way, Morlock, excellent idea about the tarot cards.)  Mommy is wearing a diamond crown, which she and Daddy picked up when they knocked off a hitchhiker on the drive to the Canyon. Billy, who tried to run away only a couple of nights ago, is now heading over the side of the cliff. One way or another, he wants out of this comic nightmare. Dolly is planning on trying to hold him back, but Jeffy has some kind of screw loose and basically just kicks people whenever he is let loose. Daddy has had some kind of an eye accident, probably provoked by that hitchhiker incident. He's also carrying a purse, and swinging their baby over the edge of the canyon. Thank god they're on a vacation, because they seem pretty stressed out. So I guess the children are now the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Daddy is George, throwing them off one by one. Mommy is that portion of the American populace that wants to assume England's crown and imperial role. And the landscape is a post-nuclear portent, although for some reason a bonsai tree has been left behind. Keane warns us that if George doesn't get some eyes, and Mommy doesn't get a grip on her crown desires, the kids are all going over the edge. -- Ekstase The fact that Keane managed to predict our current day from his remote vantage point in the 1970s is a terrifying thought. Anyway, here's my homework for tomorrow: Analysis: The family finds itself at the edge of the Grand Canyon, each member festively attired for the occasion (even Turkee tries to be trendy and has chosen to wear an ironic trucker hat). Ekstase is correct to point out that Daddy is chucking the strange kid over the edge (an obvious reference to Ted trying to get rid of those not supporting his coup attempts). And notice how little Turkee has to be held up by Mommy/S.Z.? Keane can't help but poke fun at Turkee's "E&P" skills as he shows him furiously moving his little legs but never actually going anywhere. As usual, Mommy/S.Z. is looking quite hot - an obvious reference to S.Z.'s excellent blog entries as of late. She suddenly notices Ted's actions and is about to bash him over the head with Turkee. Yosef is off by himself doing a "cool dude" dance (an allusion to his recent comments at Jesus' General) and Alison seems to be racing for oblivion. Prediction: Bil Keane, alarmed by the vast throng of oracles that has arisen at World o'Crap (i.e. he wishes he had leashes for the predictors), will start filling his cartoons with blatant falsehoods. Based upon this faulty data, Turkee will predict a Bushman victory in November, causing a small riot among terrified readers. Daddy (also representing Keane himself) will suddenly realize that S.Z. has been watching his treachery. His famous last words before being clubbed to death by S.Z. (using Turkee's predictions, of course) will be: "Maybe I should have tried making my cartoons funny instead." -- Pete M. 8:00:08 AM

Carnival of the Wingnuts Searching the globe to bring you cutting-edge idiocy from ranters on the right. 1.  Let's start with old favorite Paula Devlin, an expert on how men put on their pants.  Her latest column is about how illegal immigrants and prairie dogs are way more dangerous than mad cow disease, and yet nobody is stopping the New World Order from setting up detention camps in Alaska.  Or something. Because of one alleged case of Mad Cow disease, the entire Department of Agriculture has been mobilized to implant cows with microchips to track their movements across the fruited plain. Personally, I don’t believe there is any Mad Cow disease stateside. I suspect it is a government scheme to implement the UN Sustainable Development agenda. If the government were sincere in its concern about the nation’s health, it would chip all immigrants, starting with the prison population and all those arrested by INS and the Border Patrol. Catch and release would stop. Illegals are bringing far more dangerous diseases than any our bovines MIGHT carry. (Diseases such as e-coli 157 and salmonella are being pursued successfully.) Bubonic plague infests the prairie dog population in the Rocky Mountain states yet anti-human greeniacs stop their eradication based on “cuteness” arguments. Folks, you are behaving as though you were living in a soap opera, assuming that everything will be OK, just like it was when you were a kid. All you have to do is turn off the TV and these nightmares will go away. By time you figure out the party is over, you will be languishing in some detention camp in Alaska, hoping you freeze to death sooner than later. This is the new world order. The next order of business will be the elimination of all those who cling to traditional morality and values. Our days are numbered. Better to return from battle on our shields than to carry them  Hey, I can't argue with that! 2.  So, let's move on to Sadly, No!'s best gal, Kerry L, Marsala.  (Thanks to Sadly, Kerry's bio includes this new statement: "Kerry L. Marsala is a freelance journalist who is terrible at being patient enough to check punctuation and grammar.")  Kerry's new column is about an exciting new breakthrough in AIDS prevention: ideology! What works 100 per cent of the time to prevent sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS? The science of condoms? Or the ideology presented by Ugandan President Yowen Museveni at the AIDS Conference recently held in Bangkok?  [...] Yes, science has brought down our uncontrollable animalistic behaviors to a latex rubber. The percentage rate when all factors of condom usage is followed to a 'T' is almost zero. 2 per cent to 5 per cent is but a nominal number in the grand scheme of all that is sexually ours to enjoy. So why bloviate against ideology? We know abstinence, and monogamy prevent sexually transmitted HIV/AIDS 100 per cent from ever taking another human life. Do we go on treating people like animals in heat that cannot control their urges? Do we throw people condoms that aren't 100 per cent guaranteed to save them from AIDS/HIV? Or, do we use common sense and dignity; do we entitle people of all ages with choices? People can choose whether to have sex outside of marriage or they can choose to abstain until married. People can choose to be guaranteed 100 per cent that they will not contract diseases such as AIDS/HIV, Chlamydia, and other horrible Venereal Diseases. So, your choices are (a) never have sex, and be protected by ideology; or (b) give in to uncontrollable animalistic behavior, and contract a horrible disease. In other health-related news, it's been found that living inside a plastic bubble and never having any human contact is statistically more effective at preventing the measles than the measles vaccine.  Another triumph of ideology!    3.  Now, let's hear from Jerry Falwell about how we still have to protect marriage by amending the Constitution: Here is the fact of the matter: If we do not continue to press for a constitutional amendment to protect marriage as an act between one man and one woman, there is literally no telling what the future holds. It could include enslavement by killer robots, having Soylent Green become our primary food source, or even box turtle/human gene splicing.  There is literally no telling.  But if we protect marriage as "an act" between one man and one woman, then the future will pretty much model itself on "The Jetsons," and we won't have to worry about it anymore. 4.  Last week, Pete at The Dark Window introduced us to John L. Perry and his extremely succinct WorldNetDaily column.  This week, John, who is "a prize-winning newspaper editor and writer who served on White House staffs of two presidents," is a little more long-winded but just as wingnutty as he discusses Whoopi Goldberg's "genitalic gutter language in venting her hatred of the president of the United States." Even worse than Kerry-Edwards’ sharing the same platform with little Miss Foul Mouth, grinning like Cheshire cats and patty-caking like tickled children, was Kerry’s own volunteer performance as cheerleader of smut. Clutching the microphone and baying in his most-profound basset-hound basso, Kerry announced to the entire voting populace that this filth “conveyed the heart and soul of America.” Did you know such outhouse-wall utterances were what makes up your heart and your soul? That’s what the multi-millionaire Massachusettsean who fancies to be president says is the very core of what you and your family and your loved ones and your neighbors are all about. Shame on you! Go wash out your heart and soul. Are you going to let Kerry talk about you and your sainted mother this way?  A real man would punch out Kerry's lights for talking trash about Mom!  Thank heavens we have a guy like Dick Cheney, who will stand up against for what is right by telling those he disagrees with to "go f--- yourself," on the Republican side.  5.  An anonymous Wall Street Journal editorial writer brings us this insight from a piece called "Mr. Wilson's Defense: Why the Plame special prosecutor should close up shop." Mr. Wilson had been denying any involvement at all on Ms. Plame's part, in order to suggest that her identity was disclosed by a still-unknown Administration official out of pure malice. If instead an Administration official cited nepotism truthfully in order to explain the oddity of Mr. Wilson's selection for the Niger mission, then there was no underlying crime. Motive is crucial under the controlling statute.  Except that it isn't, of course.  The statute says, "Whoever ... intentionally discloses any information identifying such covert agent to any individual not authorized to receive classified information" will go to jail and/or be fined -- not "Whoever intentionally discloses any information identifying such covert agent out of pure malice will be fined and/or jailed, but if he or she did it to cite nepotism in order to get to Republican tool Novak to disparage the covert agent's husband's selection for a CIA mission, then hey, no problem."  Oh, and if the WSJ writer is saying that Plame was intentionally outed to show nepotism, then the prosecution should call him as a witness, because he just helped to prove part of the government's case. 6.  Here's a new discovery: Resa LaRu Kirkland, an "avid military historian" who "has been given many names by her beloved Korean War Vets, her favorites being 'The Pitbull,' 'Rambo Brockovich,' 'Hellraiser,' 'Tiger' and 'D-Day.'"  After seeing her slutty MensNewsDaily photo, I think the "Rambo Brockovich" one is probably the most apt. Anyway, Resa's column is called "Can't Find a Good Man?  Blame Feminism!"  But it's not about finding a good man, it's about how women are lying bitches who are responsible for an "epidemic" of false rape accusations. In the first four months of the year, I read of at least three cases of false rape claims, and that’s just me, in my little neck of the woods. They are coming faster, more frequently than in the past, and by younger and younger females. This is an ominous sign of a plague 40 years in the making. Resa's "little neck of the woods" seems to be the entire states of Idaho and Utah, because that's where the cases she cites took place.  So, in the first quarter of the year, she read about 3 false rape stories.  Does that really represent a "faster, more frequent" rate for such false allegations than we've seen previously?  Are the women really "younger and younger"?  How does this "plague" correspond with the numbers of true rape accusations, or unreported rapes during the same time period?  Who knows?  So, let's move on to the cause of this new epidemic. Why this latest epidemic? The daughters and granddaughters of the First Femmies have been taught three hard and fast “truths” when it comes to rape: 1) All men are potential rapists, 2) Crying rape gets you out of trouble and off the hook (sympathy and attention), and 3) It gets men into trouble and backs up truth number 1. But as we've learned previously from the WSJ, Democrats/feminists aborted the children who would have followed in their ideological footsteps, so there should be LESS Femmie women making these false rape allegations ... unless it's the daughters of conservative/unliberated women who are the ones involved in spreading this plague.  (Which is more likely than the converse, keeping in mind the geographical region where these women were living.)  Resa goes on to explain that she's not like other women: she's logical, reasonable, butch, and 100% pro-man -- and not afraid to be called a sexist, because, hey, that's what she is. And it is so deeply ingrained now in men that they don’t dare say the truth, for fear of that career-crushing word in our Politically Castrated society—sexist. Rape is no longer a word to fear; for women it has become a political windfall. The problem for femmies is, that word has no effect whatsoever on me. See, I put the “itch” in “bitch” when it comes to what femmies have done to this country of ours. Being a broad, I know their emotional tricks, but unlike chicks, I am a slave to logic and reason; their tears and anger in the face of said logic doesn’t wash with me. Watching their heads explode because they don’t have a valid leg to stand on is my favorite pastime. I am their worst nightmare, and I want their Evil Empire destroyed. In other words: Ms. Steinem, Give Back Our Balls!  I wish Resa well in her quest to destroy the Evil Empire of the Femmies by denouncing three young women who made false rape accusations because they were afraid to admit that they had had premarital sex.  I'm sure Gloria is shaking in her boots. 7.  After last week's call for promising wingnuts, reader Chad (the same guy who upset poor James Lileks) suggested LocDog, adding "It's a disgrace he doesn't have a job at Town Hall or one of its equivalents."  So, let's check out LocDog's most recent post: my conservative brothers, how many times has some liberal interlocutor, consternated by your superior intellect, sense of humor, and grasp of the english language, resorted to shallow ad hominem smears when they sensed the battle was lost?  if you're like me, thousands.  and i wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that many, perhaps most of these smears had something to do with your sex life. LocDoc has been smeared thousands of times by "liberal interlocutors" who had been devastated by his superior intellect?  And most of those smears involved comments about his sex life?  Ooookay, I don't think we need to go any further before agreeing with Chad that LocDoc is a natural for Townhall. 8.  Remember Matt James, the guy from last week's Carnival who wrote the piece about how he got beat with a rubber hose when he was growing up, and because it made him tough and disciplined he was going to beat his future kids too, only maybe not with a rubber hose?  Well, I got an email from him a couple of days ago.  Matt said: I see you wrote a bunch of CRAP about an article I wrote.  So, you think my fiance should not marry me because I support spanking?  You are an idiot.  It's none of your DAMN business how I choose to parent.  Matt, since your piece was about how liberal parents should be spanked because "They are making the world a wimpier place and the kids are running around wild without discipline," don't you feel a little pot-ish? Thanks for the link to my site, however, your stupid blog must not have many readers as my site stats do not show many hits coming from it. Well, I don't think you can infer that I don't have many readers just because not many of them checked out your site "Useless Knowledge.com" after reading a selection from your fine column.  But anyway, you're welcome.  And that concludes this week's Carnival of the Wingnuts.  Feel free to suggest writers to be considered for future showcases; or, if you happen to be a wingnut yourself, to write me an email, thus making my job a lot easier. Note: I accidentally posted this item before I was finished with it.  Sorry.  It should be better now -- or at least longer. 5:33:06 AM

Somebody's Been Reading Your Comments From Monday's Bleat: Syrian band update: it now appears that they were a Syrian band. (It's an Insty link, which should send you to skeptics and supporters. I am duly chastened for encouraging you to read this story and draw your own conclusions. In the future we must hew to a new rule: if you are on an airplane and you see a group of Arabic men with foreign passports work in concert, including standing up en masse and taking to the lavs during landing, you are obliged to give the give them the benefit of the doubt. Do not report your concerns to the flight attendants. James, feel free to report your concerns to the flight attendants.  However, when the men don't actually do anything except look and talk to each other, use the rest room, and glare at you, and you get home safely, and the FBI and FAM check out the Arabic men and say that they were just musicians -- well, then don't write a long, fear-drenched article about your experience with the conclusion not being, "It's good to be alert, but remember that not every Arab is a terrorist," but instead, "Every group of Arab men must be up to something, so this was either an aborted attack or a trial run for an attack."  Okay? Funny: Friday night I was prowling through various blogs’ comment sections re: the Innocuous Syrian Band, and found myself described as “a hair’s breadth away from full-blown paranoid schitzophrenia.” That would have been Wo'C commenter Chad -- he's such a rapscallion!  Here's what he said:  I'm now sorely tempted to go through all the trouble of circulating a fake article on the Net about there being a recent rise in the number of swarthy Arabic men visiting Minnesotta and, worst of all, they've been seen "looking around" and "exchanging glances" at Target stores.  All for James Lileks, of course. I think it would classify as "morally wrong," though. God knows Lileks is just a hair away from full-on paranoid schizophrenia.   Chad • 7/16/04 And that naughty Chad touched a nerve, apparently.    Let me repeat what I wrote: I tell you, something like this happens on a big scale – lots of planes dropping out of the sky, half the country is going to ask for detention camps. All because we didn't dare delay or inconvenience self-professed bands of Syrian "musicians" because it might suggest we were (gasp) dispositionally suspicious of a dozen Syrians clutching violin cases. Is profiling a good idea? Read the piece, put yourself on that plane before you answer the question.So it’s a sign of frantic paranoia to ask if we should pull aside Syrians before they get on the plane. It’s full-blown nutso nonsense to request that people should read the piece and decide for themselves. Yes.  And yes, if you think that this woman's story speaks to the need for detention camps.  But the biggest sign of incipient hysteria is believing that because one woman got scared by some Arab guys who all visited the restroom (probably to wash up before praying), it means that "lots of planes" are going to "drop from the sky." Repeat to yourself: there is no threat. Freedom is Slavery! Ignorance is Wisdom! Vigilance is, uh, racism! And living in a constant state of fear is Patriotism! To some people, the very idea that a woman writes her account of being worried on a plane is tantamount to the government requiring the TSA to put a knee on the neck of anyone whose skintone trends towards the swarthy. Noted. And to some people, the very idea that a woman writes her account of being worried on a plane is tantamount to planes dropping from the sky, and proof that we are doomed, DOOMED unless we stop letting swarthy individuals use airplanes. But I’ll tell you this: I’d rather we err on the side of concern and inconvenience a few than wave on board four twitchy Saudis and suffer the loss of the Sears Tower. Yes, we know that's what you'd rather do.  But here's a thought: what if, while we're inconveniencing Syrian musicians, two composed Nordic-types to whom nobody paid much attention crash a plane into the Sears Tower?  Shouldn't our policies be about making air travel safer, rather than just about giving in to people's prejudices and fears?  Because I’m one of those nuts who thinks there’s a war on. You know: a paranoid. Full blown. I see visions, and in these horrible dreams I see two towers falling. Some days I think that really happened. Time to double up on the thorazine. James, the price of freedom is eternal vigilance, not eternal pessimism, fear-mongering and doom-saying.  So maybe the thorazine is a good idea. Oh, and here's today's Bleat: Hmm. I’m watching the New York City newscast: subway bomb in Times Square. Nothing major – one cop sent to the hospital with burns, major for him, but nothing that shrieks TERRORIST ATTACK. Unless it’s another test. The next phase of the suitcase tests. There I go again: paranoia. Suspicion is the sign of an unbalanced mind. I know, I know: we shouldn’t leap to conclusions, but it’s interesting how suspicion itself is now a conclusion. As though we’re wrong to wonder if the bad guys might be up to something. Bad guys! How droll, how 11/91, how amusingly Manichean. Have a nuance smoothie, man. Oceania is not at war with Eurasia. Oceania has never been at war with Eurasia.  I guess the double doze of thorazine didn't work.  Maybe it's time for a switch to Buspar. 3:02:09 AM