July 19, 2004 by s.z.

Unforgettable Family Circus Vacation Today's Cartoon  (See it here): A banner at the top says, "Join us for an unforgettable family visit to Arizona's grand vacation site." [The Keane family is going to the Grand Canyon!  "I want to ride the burros!"  "I want to make jokes about big holes!"] Today the family is on the road.  They are traveling in a red station wagon that looks like one my family had back in the '70s.  There is a large, suspicious-looking tarp-wrapped bundle on the luggage carrier on the roof.  A dazed-looking Daddy is driving -- from the burnt rubber on the road and the puffs of smoke coming out of the wheels, he's in a hurry to get to that vacation site before the cops ask any questions about the bundle on the roof. Mommy is addressing Dolly in the back seat, and Billy and Jeffy in the cargo area (apparently PJ got left home alone).  She says, "When we get to the Grand Canyon, you children are not to touch a thing." Analysis: The traditional-valued, red-colored vehicle must be Bush-Cheney 2004.  Daddy (Karl Rove) is driving it.  Mommy (Karen Hughes) is bossing around its passengers: Dolly (Condi Rice), Billy (Dick Cheney), and Jeffy (Dubya).  She's warning them not to go off script and say or do anything to screw things up.  But there's a body on the roof (Iraq), and it's starting to smell. Prediction: While the police (the public) discover the forgotten PJ (Don Rumsfeld), they will give chase (ask a lot of questions).  All will be discovered, and everyone in the car will go to jail.   But here's Pete's translation: Analysis of tomorrow's FC: Bil Keane has shamelessly (or masterfully, depending on your point of view) stolen the plot of National Lampoon's Vacation and used it for his own nefarious purposes. We see the family (sans the deformed little interloper) speeding along in their station wagon to Arizona. In a scene straight from the movie, Grandma (Anntichrist Coulter) is dead and packed up on top of the car. Amazingly, Keane has predicted AC's dreadful illness and guest blogging duties over at Jesus' General (notice that even though she's dead (i.e. dead sick), she's still speeding along above everybody else). In a terrifying double meaning, grandma also represents Dick Cheney. Prediction: Daddy (obviously Ted) is racing to get to the hotel because he's expecting a rendezvous with the lady in the red Ferrari. In other words, he's planning to "cheat" on Mommy/S.Z. by staging a coup d'etat with S.Z.'s new nemesis: Michelle Malkin. As usual, Alison (welcome back!) remains inquisitive and little Turkee is fairly clueless in the backseat while Yosef explains what everything means to him. As far as the sinister second meaning, Dick Cheney will suffer a fake heart-attack  so he can be replaced on the ticket by Rudy Giuiani. Keane is saying that the Bushman and Giuliani will wind up in the swimming pool together. In other words, they'll lose the election and end up "all wet" or "washed up." Pete M. • Not bad.  Not bad at all.  But I bet there's more to say about this one.  And thanks to Alison for decrypting Saturday's cartoon, and welcome back to her and to Prenit Turkee.  Now, start your exciting family vacation! 6:11:07 AM

Purple Prose and Preening Prattle about "Pastors, Priests, and Politics" This week Doug Giles tells pastors, ministers, and other holders of "The God job" what their real role should be: that of a political activist. As I see it, The God job has two fronts: to reach out to and lock in lost souls and to righteously leaven our current cruddy culture for Him. But infiltrating the cruddy culture is a lot more fun than actually helping people, so spend more time on that. Hear me, man of God: your job does not end when the sinner secures his soul and is guaranteed that he’ll go to heaven, walk around in a peignoir playing the harp, aglow in the promise that he’ll never be in jeopardy of eternally roasting on Dante’s Viking Grill.  Yes, your vocation also entails taking the saved ex-sinner and equipping him to change this planet into something approaching God’s taste. Doug doesn't seem to think much of the Precious Moments heaven he apparently believes in -- he sure makes hell sound a lot more manly and exciting that all that traipsing around in a celestial negligee.  I'm starting to suspect that he misses his days as a drug dealer and burglar, and is planning to tell his flock to quit bugging him with all their spiritual concerns because he's running for Congress.  Ministers have massive influence woven into their job.  Instead of using it to fleece their sheep, to molest altar boys, or simply to dole out clichés like an over-medicated Oprah Winfrey, why not re-align with the scripture and focus on fixing this mucked up culture?  What about using your powerful impact to establish this nation in righteousness, according to biblical standards? This means you must divide your attention from evangelism and weigh in on all things which effect our culture, i.e., Business, Entertainment, Education and yes, Politics.  All the aforementioned directly affect the health and wealth of the people you are trying to reach and require that you have a biblically based opinion on each category, in order to influence them in ways which honor God. So, ministers have a lot of influence, and should get away from the business of saving souls in order to get their congregations to invest in the right stocks, diss the appropriate media figures, and vote for George Bush. Given that this is a presidential election year and that the culturally dividing issues are more obvious than Courtney Love’s last lip implants, it is mind-boggling that many clergy are mute or side with parties, policies and principles that are antithetical to what scripture clearly states is holy, just and good.  Personally, I had never paid enough attention to Courtney Love to realize that she even had lip implants.  I didn't know the Bible said we had to notice stuff like that. With the clear “secular versus sacred” issues, how can a minister stay silent when he should be at the forefront, challenging evil policies and the politicians and judges who are trying to enforce them, the way Elijah challenged Ahab and Hillary … I mean, Jezebel.  Good one, Deliliah ... I mean, Doug. In some kind of ascending order, it seems to me there are 10 reasons why pastors and priests avoid political issues, and why they remain silent. And there must be 50 ways to leave your lover.  Anyway, Doug only has time this week to present three of the ten reasons that so few of the other pastors write Townhall columns (they're wimps, they're dummies who don't spend enough time reading "The Rant" to have informed opinions about stuff, and they believe that crap about the meek inheriting the Earth).  Maybe next time Doug will mention how the other holders of The God job are too busy visiting the sick, feeding the hungry, caring for the widow and orphans, being hospitable to the strangers, and rendering under Caesar the things that belong to Caesar to become the Republican Team Leaders that God wants them to be.    Stay tuned for the rest and for my ClashPoint! No ClashPoint!  What a rip-off!  I guess I'll have to make up my own: My ClashPoint, Dinky, is that if you want to keep that tax exempt status, you'd better  be careful not to use that "massive influence woven into [your] job" to support "a particular party" or candidate.  Unless, of course, you have a conservative corporate sponsorship, and don't really need any tax breaks. 5:03:52 AM