October 19, 2004 by s.z.

Name That Wingnut!

Like "Jeopardy," except that the answers don't have to be in the form of a question, nobody will think you're smart for knowing this kind of stuff, and there are no big cash prizes. 

So, see if YOU can identify which popular wingnut wrote the following bits o'nonsense which I followed up with a snarky rejoinder:

1.  As a proud gun owner and hunter of everything from Texas whitetails to South African wildebeests, to me, Kerry’s anti-gun voting history and his anti-hunting backers are more scary than the 256-pound charging wild boar I shot at a mere ten feet.

As a guy with deep but unacknowledged fears about my own masculinity, John Kerry's war record, good looks, and manly competence threaten me. 

2.  To some of us, homosexuality is an affliction, like alcoholism, and hellishly difficult to control. Why some folks can take or leave alcohol -- while others can enjoy it in moderation, and others cannot stop drinking without help and must swear off it for life or it will kill them -- remains a mystery of nature.

Homosexuality seems to be like that.  [...]

Clearly, there is a compulsion here that is, at times, terribly difficult to resist, a sexual compulsion that seems far more rare among normal men.

Homosexuality is an affliction like alcoholism, in that some homosexuals are sex addicts.  Sure, so are some heterosexuals, but at least they are normal.  And while one can drink in moderation and nobody thinks a thing of it, being a homosexual is always shameful and humilating.  So it was WRONG of John Kerry to mention Mary Cheney, because most Americans didn't know that she was afflicted with lesbianism before that.

 3.   A vote for John Kerry is a vote for Michael Moore, the ACLU, Ted Kennedy, trial lawyers, George Soros, the leftist academics who morally confuse generations of young Americans, and for Dan Rather, CBS News, and nearly the entire news complex that daily presents a proctologist's view of America. A vote for John Kerry is a vote for Jesse Jackson, whom Kerry has named a top adviser; and for Al Sharpton, with whom Kerry campaigns; for Sean Penn and his Hollywood world; and for the passionately pro-Kerry MTV, the greatest destroyer of young people's minds and souls in American history.

A vote for John Kerry is a vote for Janet Jackson's breast.  It's a vote for orgies, puppy killing and for setting old people adrift on icebergs when they've outlived their usefulness.  It's a vote for that high school algebra teacher who said you'd never amount to anything.  It's a vote for all that is wrong with this world.  It's a vote for Satan.

4.  If Gore had been elected president, right now he would just be finding that last lesbian quadriplegic for the Special Forces team.

Because Democrats try to be INCLUSIVE and CARING and NICE, while Republicans just want to kill people.  That's why Republicans are better than Democrats.

5. I really can't say anything else. I don't want to waste your time with this. The justice system has the case.  We'll see what happens.  But  in the end, you should know this is all about hurting me and the FOX News Channel.

It's a shame we have to live in a country where this happens, but got to go through it. 

They're only saying bad things about me in order to hurt me and Fox News, and by extension, President Bush.  So, basically, this is treason.   And it's a shame that we have to live in a country where any scheming, deceitful female employee can sue one for sexual harassment, just because one shared one's fantasy about using Middle Eastern food on her body in a lewd and indecent manner.

6.  The Winnebago door bangs open and [Falafel] comes in to be fitted in a child-sized doublet, sash, and jerkin. His jaw drops. "Mummy, you look like a queen!"

[...]

One of the props people comes over. "Is that your real son?" she asks. I admit that he is, and she grins. "He's actually being helpful. Not many kids are like that on set."

I saw a wingnut dressed up like Queen Elizabeth for a TV production about the Conquest of the Northeast.  And her son was perfect.

7.  Kerry desecrates the Blessed Sacrament every time he partakes of the sacred elements. He blasphemes the name of Christ by doing so. He causes the Lord Christ to suffer again and again by putting into his mouth that which points to the Calvary sacrifice.

Edwards, witnessing to be a Protestant true to Bible, worship and prayer, betrays the same Lord Christ by defending those who slice away womb babies.

Like the title of this column says, "Protestant Edwards & Catholic Kerry = Not Christians."  Because the author of this piece has been authorized by God to decide who is and who isn't Christian.

So, who wrote the above?   Most of them weren't too hard, were they?  (I only used wingnuts who are known for their rich, creamy nuttery, and who have been featured here several  times in the past.)  If you need some hints, scroll down:

The quotes were from the latest columns (or recent TV commentary by the one who urges you to name your vibrator) by the following pundits, kooks, and windbags: Dennis Prager   Ann Coulter  Pastor Joseph Grant Swank   Doug Giles  Bill O'Reilly   Pat Buchanan    Meghan Cox Gurdon.  Did  you match each of them with one of the above quotes? 

3:20:47 AM