October 6, 2004 by s.z.

Earth Vs. Soup

That was, of course, the title of Crow T. Robot's award-winning sci-fi screenplay.  But what I really want to talk about is Edwards Vs. Cheney.  I had  a headache during the debate, and so just kind of let it wash over me without thinking about it too much. Therefore, I think I have the perspective of the all-powerful undecided voter, and can say, that for our group, the debate was a tie.  (I still am not feeling really bright and thoughtful, so I still am probably a good spokesperson for my newfound niche, the people too stupid to have reached any decisions about the candidates yet.)

Starting out, when Edwards was introduced, he smiled at the camera and looked really good.  One point for him.

Cheney started talking about the war -- it was dry and boring, and I tuned out.  Minus one point for him.  But then Edwards didn't make me tune back in.  Minus one point for him.

During the rest of the foreign affairs part of the debate, both Edwards and Cheney said stuff, not all of it on point.  Cheney made a couple of points that seemed valid at the time (one about Iraqis having died in the war too, and one I can't remember), and didn't actually eat any babies while on stage.  So, a point to him for being less scary than anticipated.  Both Edwards and Cheney seemed equally able to think on their feet (or rather, butt), but they also both resorted to bringing up talking points when they couldn't think of anything else to say.  However, in this first part of the debate, Cheney seemed a bit more at ease (although kind of cranky and mean).  They both seemed to be spinning things a bit .... but then Cheney actually lied about never implying there was a connection between 9/11 and than Iraq.  I know this was a lie because I've linked to a Colorado interview where he did this.  But then, I'm pretending to be an uncommitted voter, so I probably wouldn't have paid any attention to that interview.  So, a tie for that part.

During the domestic affairs part of the debate, Edwards seemed more sincere and more engaged than Cheney.  He offered some concrete things he and Kerry would do to help with insurance.  He just seemed more trustworthy on the domestic issues.  So, I would call him the winner of that portion of the debate.  So, is Edwards the overall winner?  One might think so, but as an undecided voter, I just kinda go with my gut instinct, so here are a few other items we must score.

Edwards brings up Halliburton -- not really relevant to the question, though. Minus 1/10th of a point.  Cheney gets visibly ticked, and implies that Edwards never shows up at the Senate.  He says he's never met Edwards before this night.  But geez, whose fault is that?  As the VP, shouldn't he go out of his way to meet the Senators from the other party?  Especially one who was running for the presidential nomination?  Minus two points from  Cheney. 

HOWEVER, I just saw where Atrios posted a screenshot of Cheney standing next to Edwards at a National Prayer Breakfast.  So, if you are engaged enough in the political process to know that Cheney stupidly lied never meeting Edwards because he was annoyed at Edwards for bringing up Halliburton, then you'd subtract 50 points from Cheney's score.   (But if you're an undecided voter, you probably don't read Atrios, so this would be moot.)

Edwards said nice things about Cheney's daughter Mary.  Plus 1 point.

Cheney seemed flabbergasted that Edwards would say nice things about his family.  Plus 1/10th of a point for briefly appearing human.

Cheney didn't know that African-American women are being hit much harder by AIDS than other American women.  Minus 2 points (geez, I thought eveyrbody would have known than.).  However, he did admit it -- plus 1/10th of a point.  However, his response about what he and Bush were going to do about AIDS NOT in Africa, was lame:  more education, he said.  Which means more abstinence-only education.  Edwards didn't call him on this, or offer any specifics about what he and Kerry would do differently in America about AIDS.  So, minus a point for him.

The moderator asked some really stupid questions ("Mr. Edwards, does Mr. Cheney hurt your feelings when he bad-mouths lawyers?  Mr. Cheney, do you hurt Mr. Edwards feelings when you do this?")  And what was that "Discuss your platform, but don't mention your running mate by name" thing?  It was like some wacky gameshow rule.  Edwards gets a point for laughing about how he broke this rule, and showing that he isn't a thin-skinned grouch, like SOME people we could mention.  So, for the stupid questions, minus 50 points from her, and for making both of them respond to her stupid questions, plus 5. 

In the summing up at the end, Edwards thanked the moderator and Cheney.  Cheney pointedly only thanked the moderator.  That was rude.  We undecided viewers do NOT like rudeness.  Minus another ten points from Cheney.

As we mentally tally up the points, it would seem that Edwards won.  BUT, since Cheney seemed so much smarter, articulate, and generally capable than George Bush, it somehow works out that this debate was a tie.  We undecided voters feel obligated to give pity points to anybody who has to carry George all the time.  Plus, I think we undecided voters want to be courted for a bit longer before we let a candidate have his way with us, because we know he'll never call us in the morning once we give in to him, so we have to say this was a tie.  Talk to us again after Friday.

1:04:36 AM