September 14, 2004 by s.z.

Thanks! I just wanted to say how much I appreciated all of the birthday wishes.  Since the day was rather uneventful, they meant a lot.  I celebrated by watching the MST version of "Riding With Death" -- not one of their best experiments, but one I hadn't seen in years.  Plus, for somebody of my age (40-something, like Frederick so astutely deduced), there's great nostalgia value in two episodes of a failed '70s TV show pretending to be a movie.  Especially if it stars Ben Murphy.  I also played with Jet Jaguar, made cookies, and got enough sleep for a change.  So, like I said, not that exciting of a birthday.  But your comments made it worth being another year closer to death.  Sorta.  7:22:08 AM

Some Questions for Lynne From: BushCheney04@GeorgeWBush.com Dear World O'Crap, This year's Presidential election will be the most critical of many of our lifetimes.  Is the Bush-Cheney campaign indicating a belief in reincarnation here?  Or are they saying that for many of us, this is the last election we'll ever know? We're all playing a small part in making history and in paving the path for the future.  This week, we invite you to share your experiences and hear from someone who has unique access to our nation's leaders - up close and personal. On Wednesday, September 15, Mrs. Lynne Cheney, wife of Vice President Dick Cheney and accomplished author, takes your questions and discusses the importance of choosing Vice President Cheney and President Bush to lead America for the next four years. SUBMIT QUESTIONS NOW! So, what questions would YOU like to ask Lynne.  I think there should be some about her novel Sisters ("The novel of a strong and beautiful woman who broke all the rules of the American frontier... ").  Read some of the Amazon reader reviews for some ideas.  Or go here, where a public-spirited netizen is posting chapters from the book.  We're up to chapter 6 now --  here's a portion from where a balding but handsome young reporter causes Sophie to flashback to her days as an actress: By now Sophie had heard of the monumental rages of jealousy Adah was capable of, so she was wary of the actress's words as well as flattered by them. But there was no sign of anger as Adah continued, "There will be men in your life, Sophie, many of them, probably. Enjoy them, Sophie, but don't let yourself be trapped." She looked at the young girl meaningfully. "Sophie? do you know what I'm saying?" "I... I'm not sure." Adah picked up the lacquered box from the sofa table. Sophie thought it probably contained cigarettes and Adah meant to have one. She was fond of smoking. But she handed the box to Sophie. "This is for you." Sophie opened it, thinking she should thank Adah, but when she saw what was inside, she was speechless. There were several small sponges, each in a silken net with a string attached. There were packets marked "Preventive Powders," and lined up in neat rows were several dozen condoms. "There are all these things, you know," Adah was saying. "But the sheaths are really the best. Sometimes men don't like them." She stared into space for a moment, seeming to remember something; then she gave a small shrug. "But since it is they who get us with child, don't you think they should cooperate?" Anyway, I'm sure there are many questions that we all have for Mrs. Dick Cheney. 6:50:19 AM

Vote Republican or Fry in Hell Doug Giles' column for the week is entitled Energizing Evangeli-fish to Vote.  In it, Doug uses ridicule, taunts, and threats of eternal damnation in an effort to get Christians to vote for Bush. Four million evangelicals didn't vote in the 2000 presidential election. Great ... way to go Church! Onward Christian soldiers: NOT. It's scary to think we almost had Al Gore playing Frankenstein around the White House because a few million folks who should have known better refused to get up from the couch and go to the polls and vote. See, being an evangelical gives one a heavenly assurance of George Bush's divinity -- so if you claim to be born again and then fail to vote for Our Lord Dubya then you have sinned against the Holy Ghost.  (And if Al Gore almost played Frankenstein around the White House, what is George Bush playing: the Teen-aged Werewolf or an Incredibly Strange Creature Who Stopped Living and Became a Mixed-Up Zombie?) Why the vacuum at the voting booth in 2000, people of God? Were you stunned into placidity the Sunday before the last election because of a tedious three point sermon, delivered by a coma-inducing pastor, who left you bereft of hope? Then, reeling from such freshly mainlined pessimism, in your depressed state, you pampered yourself with the Lumberjack Slam at Denny's which immobilized you with violent gas, all the way through election Tuesday. Was that it? No, it was more that I thought that George wasn't qualified for the job, so I voted for the better candidate.  But thanks for asking -- it sounds like that Lumberjack Slam/violent gas thing was taken from personal experience, right? Or, Christian, was your refusal to register and vote based on the no-duh deduction that politics is dirty business and since it is such a DB you shouldn't be involved in it. News flash! Within the church's stained glass walls, there are Machiavellian battles, ecclesiastical squabbles and denominational sniping that make Republicans and Democrats look like the Brady Bunch, and Bush and Kerry seem like Paris and Nicole. Maybe I'm just not as tuned-in to the popular culture as Doug, but why would dirty church politics make Bush and Kerry seem like Paris and Nicole?  I know that Paris had that sex video, and that Nicole was convicted of heroin possession -- so is Doug saying that the Baptist church has a video of Bush having sex with an old girlfriend, and that Kerry is addicted to communion wafers?  Or what?  I really don't get this one. Oh, and maybe I have my priorities out of whack, but if the ecclesiastic circles that Doug travels in as are corrupt as he says, shouldn't his first priority as a pastor be to clean them up?  You know, get his own house in order before he does Karl Rove's bidding?  Sadly, church can be a very dirty business, sometimes even more political than politics … but you still go to church, don't you? Or have you abandoned God's house, as well? Gee, I DID go to church, but now that I know how dirty it all is, I'm having second thoughts.  Thanks, Doug! Or, is it that you will not vote for a President unless he is Mr. Perfect according to your pristine, subjective view? If so, I suggest you do a do-si-do out of la-la-land and into reality. Hey! It's the president we're electing, not an unblemished savior to make atonement for the world's sins. That was Christ's job, and he's already finished it and hopefully enjoying his retirement. From an interview with Mr. J. Christ:  Q: Sir, you atoned for the sins of all mankind 2000 years ago.  What have you been up to since? A:  Well, I play some golf.  I started a Precious Moments figurines collection.  I catch the Early Bird Special at Bob's Big Boy with some of the others from the Senior Center.  But frankly, it all seems kind of a letdown after being God the Son, the Savior of Mankind.  I've been thinking of writing my memoirs, just to have something to do.  Or hey, maybe I'll run for President of the United States.  While I probably couldn't take the evangelical vote away from Bush, (due to my pacifist views and unwillingness to engage in dirty campaigning), I  could probably beat Nader.   Next time: Doug tells the Evangeli-fish that they damned will better vote for an imperfect Bush or Doug will smack them upside the head.   Let's consider a few questions, Evangeli-fish: Okay, Doug.  Although I'm not an evangelical (and find that "Evangeli-fish" thing really stupid), I will answer your questions, because you asked so nicely, if you will answer mine. Do you like not living in terror of terrorists? I'm not sure if I understand the question.  Are you saying that if I like not living, I should vote for Bush?  Or is your point that Bush has eliminated all my concerns about terrorism, so I should give him another term just like the last one, during which terrorism wasn't a problem at all?  Or is this a Mafia protection racket question: "Nice country you got here -- be a shame if you voted for the wrong candidate and it got blown up?" So, I guess my answer is going to have to be, "What's it to you?" Do you believe Hitler wannabes in other nations should be dethroned? Maybe, maybe not.  It would depend on whether these wannabes have their stuff together enough to be an actual a threat to the world, or are just Republicans (that was a JOKE, Doug).  And it depends on who is going to do the dethroning.  And do we have a realistic, well-thought out plan for what happened to the other nation after the wannabe is removed? And hey, who gets to decide if just who is a Hitler wannabe: me or the guy who decided that Saddam had WMDs? Do you want to see the traditional roots of our great American experiment stay firmly in place? The roots of the luscious tree of America?  Sure!  Tell me, which candidate is planning on hacking at those roots, like Paul Bunyon during crack night at the ferret hut (or however that metaphor went), and I won't vote for him. Do you wish to continue worshiping whom you want, when you want and where you want? Yes.  So, which candidate is planning on stopping me?  Would it be the one who spoke at that National Prayer Day observation that wouldn't let my religion participate? Do you believe marriage should continue to be defined as between man and woman? Or are Mr. Brad and his wife Mr. Chad, cool with you? I think there is no compelling reason why civil marriage should be something that excludes committed same-sex couples.  So, Mr. Brad and Mr. Chad are cool with me, just like it's cool with me that they vote, pay their taxes, and enjoy the other benefits and duties of being citizens of this country.  But Doug, why are you so concerned about what Brad and Chad (and Adam and Steve) are up to?  Are you worried that they're having more fun than you are? Do you want America to be UN-free? Why do you ask?  Is George Bush planning on invading UN Headquarters or something? Do you wish to keep your hard-earned cash or do you prefer having the government tax you more than your little sister did making you sit through her first clarinet recital? I love my sister, and so I sat through her clarinet recitals.  I also pay my taxes.  Because, painful though both may be, belonging to a family and to a nation both entail obligations. Now, a question for Doug: do you love your chlldren, or do you prefer burdening them with a zillion dollar deficit because you wanted to dethrone Hitler wannabes and such, but not part with any of your hard-earned tax breaks? Do you think first degree murderers should actually be executed, or allowed to watch Jerry Springer on cable TV in their air-conditioned cells, during the next 20 years of pointless appeals? I believe that the nobody, not even murderers, should be subjected to cruel and unusual punishment.  So, that Jerry Springer thing is out. Christian, if you said yes -- or no for that matter -- to some or all of the above, then make sure you're not busy going to a Christian rock concert, or the single mingle night at your local Take a 100 Year Nap Community Church on November 2nd. Make sure you're registered and ready to vote that day. Sure thing, Doug. My ClashPoint is this: [...] If we are going to see change come to our nation and if righteousness is to exalt and protect this land once again, the Evangeli-fish among us need somehow to develop spines. The non-whining non-whimpering, non-wussy Christian faced with ecclesiastical or political corruption doesn't bail out of these God-ordained institutes. Instead, he and she pray, labor, reform and speak out, as they seek to bring forth righteousness and righteous leaders … and kick, via their voices and votes, the lawless skanks to the curb. Lawless skanks?  Can we really vote Ann Coulter to the curb?  If so, I will volunteer to register Evangeli-fish to vote! Anyway, as good as Doug's column is, the even bigger news is that he has a new book out!  As the bottom of his TownHall column notes: Just Released: Doug Giles's latest book! Political Twerps, Cultural Jerks, Church Quirks Forty sizzling chapters by one of the country's hottest young conservative columnists, chronicle the woes we face among our political "leaders", cultural miscreants and lost clergy. Hmm, so Doug is "one of the country's hottest young conservative columnists."  I hereby demand that he and Yosef fight a duel to the death, for there can be only one "Hottest Young Conservative"! Anyway, I went to Amazon and learned the following about Twerps, Jerks, & Quirks: Paperback: 192 pages ; Publisher: Xulon Press; (August 2004) ISBN: 1594676267 Amazon.com Sales Rank: 2,756,702 Yeah, it's really climbing the charts.  But the astute reader will be asking, "What the heck is Xulon Press?" Well, Ms. or Mr. Astute Reader, I Googled, so you don't have to. Xulon Press is the world's largest Christian publisher. We give Christian authors everything they need to get published. Using print-on-demand, we can take your Christian book and make it available to 25,000 bookstores, and online. We can also help promote and publicize your book. Easy Just submit your manuscript and let us take care of the rest. Affordable Start for $999, purchase only as many copies as you need.   So, Xulon Press is a Christian vanity publisher -- that's what you're probably thinking about now, right?  But you're WRONG, per Xulon Press's FAQ! Is Xulon a "vanity" publisher?No. Vanity publishers will charge you thousands of dollars to print a truckload of books, which they will not help you distribute. Xulon uses technology to keep your costs down, allowing you to buy books only as you need them. We also help you distribute your book to bookstores and on the web, paying you a handsome royalty for each copy sold. So, since you pay $1000-$2000 (depending on the package you choose) to get your book published, instead of them taking the risks, Xulon is only a quasi-vanity press, for Christian quasi-suckers.  Anyway, here's their info about Doug's new Jerks book: [Note: after looking closely at the cover, I think those caricatures are supposed to be Lynne Cheney, Cher, and Bill Cosby.  But I could be wrong.] In Political Twerps, Cultural Jerks and Church Quirks, Giles takes aim at: Politics: The "historical" record of the 20th century has been shaded by Liberal spin-doctors more than Richard Simmons' eyelids made up for a night out on South Beach. Man, Doug loves that line about Richard Simmons' eye shadow, doesn't he?  Who wants to tell Dougie that nobody but him has given a thought to Richard's eyelids for at least ten years?  And do you also get the feeling that this book is just a collection of Doug's old Townhall columns? Culture: Y'know, there's an across-the-board, generational let down from parents to presidents, from corporate execs to corrupt priests. It has become so bad that skepticism has become a necessary don't-leave-home-without-it cudgel to stave off the Bram Stoker-like blood suckers who attempt to lead us ...astray. Bram Stoker was a blood sucker who attempted to lead us ... astray?  And I thought he was just a Victorian writer of popular fiction.  Wow, even reading the blurb for Doug's book has taught me a thing or two. Church: What the heck has happened to the Episcopal Church? What is this? Christianity according to the Village People? And how about the hear-see-and-speak-no-evil Roman Catholic hierarchy, with their hide-a-pedophile antics? Of course nobody's perfect, but if we don't start bouncing our houses of worship like Buford Pusser and toss the Hophnis and Phineases out on their heads, God will slap an irreversible anathema on the place.  That God, always slapping irreversible anathemas on churches who don't use baseball bats on the Village People! Ted Nugent, Rock Icon - "Doug Giles speaks truth...he's a societal watch dog... and a funny bastard." Full Ted Nugent quote: "Doug Giles speaks truth like he shoots innocent forest creatures: not very well, although he makes a lot of noise and tramples a lot of scenery in the process.  He's a societal watch dog who was wound too tight, causing his mainspring to snap.  But I do have to admit that he's a sick puppy and a funny bastard -- although his mother's marital status at the time of his birth really isn't the issue here.  But why the heck should you care what an addled Rock Icon thinks about this kind of stuff anyway?"  Author Profile Doug spent five years getting a four year fine arts degree and six trying to finish his three year masters program, which explains a good deal of his life. And so does his old Townhall bio, which mentioned that his "real-life experience" included "drug user and dealer as a teenager; Burglary arrest, aged 16; High School expulsion, aged 18; College expulsion, aged 19."  (The new one indicates instead that "his other interests include being an avid big game hunter and shark master, as well as an accomplished oil painter and mountain biker.") Business development, church planting, and radio shows seem to get in the way. Um, yeah.  And so did that expulsion.  And does "church planting" mean that Doug is burying congregations? Doug’s written numerous print and audio books; nevertheless, the little voices in his head still won’t go away.  And that explains so much. Anyway, I hope Doug's book does as well as it deserves.  And if I gave them $1000, I wonder if Xulon would publish a collection of my World O'Crap essays. 3:37:28 AM