September 20, 2004 by s.z.

"Custody of the eyes does not apply solely to men of the cloth" Even America's Worst Mother™ (a trademark of TBogg Blog & Non-Pajama Wear) has to write about KerfuffleGate this week, which proves that the "scandal" jumped the shark sometime last week. As we join her and les enfants (Shalloon, Fabreeze, Victoria Alexandra, and Olid), she's looking through a Harriet Carter catalog and coveting the merchandise. "Deep, curvaceous wings and sumptuous padding give this bed its enveloping comfort — " Forget ripply chested exotic dancers with long wavy hair; this is what Woman really wants: "Supported by a kiln-dried hardwood frame — " In a flash it comes to me that this is how Dan Rather must have felt when his eyes first ran across those tantalizing memos. His darkest desires gratified, the prospect of a Bush-free Washington, no visible rivets or hinges... Dan, I understand! I know that this story is true. Sitting in my car in the school parking lot, eyes spiraling, I believe that this document is authentic. The jacquard does have superior drape; the hardwood frame must be kiln-dried. The more important question of how I got this catalog, which is where those who don't like madcap household expenditure like to put the emphasis, the more important question is, just how curvaceous are those wings and just how coy are those bolsters (not shown), which I told you about earlier? Yeah, women just want nice beds.  To sleep in.  No sexual fantasies (or sex) at the Gurdons!  And since CBS knows where it  got the memos (I heard it was from Dick Cheney, who was either trying to bring down Kerry and CBS, or plotting a coup against the House of Bush -- whichever one happened to work), let's move on to where Meghan got her Lighter Side catalog: she stole it from the mailbox of that drunken foreign diplomat who died in the auto accident last week. In other news, the kids ride in the car and say various cute and childish things; Meghan teaches them that God is always spying on them; and to spite the husband for spending the night with his latest floozy, Meghan buys some adorable items from the catalog: Talking Toilet Paper Roll Holder Item No. 26859 Price: $19.98    And Remote Control Fart Machine Item No. 8999 Price: $16.97 5:49:27 AM

The Giles Report This week Doug Giles uses his column to give us his unique insights on KerfuffleGate.  The other wingnuts have already covered Doug's points ad nauseum (the memos are crude fakes which even the stupidest person could see through -- although the White House accepted them as genuine; Dan Rather is delusional for believing memos which said that Bush failed to get a required physical, because that's just too wacky for anyone to credit; and this incident proves that the media is totally biased against the President, since they'd rather cover a story about what he didn't do in a war 35-years ago than report on how he's blowing the current one). But Doug brings up a unique argument: that's it's better to join to the Reserves to avoid serving in a war, and then fail to fulfill one's obligation to the Reserves, than it is to serve in that war and get medals, and then later try to end the war. The ill-conceived Kerry campaign is imploding at such a rapid rate that the liberals are going Mach 2 as they try to grasp some salacious straw to keep him – and them -- from sinking.  The best they could come up with was that Bush missed a physical.  Is that it? Let me help you here: missing a physical doesn’t come close to Kerry’s Swift Boat fantasies, his highly questionable, totally bloodless Purple Hearts, much less his traitorous testimony before the Fulbright Committee and subsequent meeting with the enemy in Paris.  And it's Dan Rather who belongs in an asylum for believing fabricated evidence, you see. Anyway, here are the highlights of Doug's column: the pop culture metaphors and the Clashpoint: We couldn’t balance out his lean to the left if we tied a six ton block of cement with a 100 pound steel cable to his right ear lobe and smashed his left foot with a sledge hammer. Dan wants – no, he needs -- to believe those Bush besmirching reports so badly that he blew through cautionary roadblocks like Nick Nolte and Glen Campbell would blow through a case of Sammy Hagar’s best Cabo Wabo on a wild weekend.  [...] My ClashPoint is this:  [...] CBS, which seemingly now stands for the CrazyBS Network has officially crossed the National Enquirer line and has move from semi-credible network to credulously biased nuthouse.  The only problem is, their shrinking yet thinking audience is not following them into the Liberal lunacy psych ward.  You know as much as CBS may try to sell us Rather’s blather or Kitty Kelley’s cancerous slander [some say she’s Michael Moore in drag], I see America decisively not queuing up to purchase the Axis of Drivel’s snake oil.  In fact, the TV ratings realistically and consistently show that the masses are looking for fair and balanced news, and not the journalistic spam of brainwashed jackasses. From an A.P. story about last week's TV Ratings: NBC's Nightly News won the evening news ratings race, averaging 9.5 million viewers (6.8, 14). ABC's World News Tonight had 8.6 million viewers (6.1, 13) and the CBS Evening News had 6.7 million (4.8, 10). Fox News's most popular show, The Fair and Balanced O'Reilly Factor, gets an average of about 2.5 million viewers.  So, I can only conclude that Doug has had too much personal experience with Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo.    4:29:19 AM