September 7, 2004 by s.z.

Wingnut Matchmaker

Okay, before I said that Karen Pittman was the female Doug Giles.  But right after that, an unreliable source (Seb from Sadly, No!) informed me that Karen is Mrs. Dark Window.  So, I did some more research and have come to the conclusion that Resa LaRu Kirkland is Doug's perfect match.  (Yes, I know that Doug is already married, but since the lion is his role model, he's got to have a harem.)

Resa's most recent column is about the "sweet fruit of Bush."  This brings to mind Doug's "Luscious American tree" -- so, they'd be perfect together.  Plus, Resa calls herself "America's War Chick," while Doug has gone into battle against Precious Moments figurines.  And they both hate feminism.  However, unlike Doug, Resa doesn't indicate that she has a criminal record -- but she is wearing a slutty blouse in her photo. 

So, let's read some selections from Resa's column, and then some from Doug's, and then consult an expert to evaluate their compatability.  (Hey, it's late and I'm tired and running out of ideas, so humor me, okay?)

 Resa

Resa's column is entitled "JOHN KERRY: War Crimes, Perjury, and Treason: By His Fruits Ye Shall Know Him."  She says that in order to select a good, moral president,  "We look to the fruits he hath wrought, and to those who support him and their fruits to figure out what kind of man he is."  So, the candidate with the most overwrought fruity supporters is apparently the best choice. 

I have been watching this election and the only men who count in talks of freedom—the men who were willing to walk the walk and fought for it. Kerry was one of these, but not really, as those warriors with good fruit have spit out the foul fruit of Kerry. As I stated in my article Kommunist Kriminal Kerry, I believe that John Kerry plotted to have a stint in a war zone. I believe he designed to go to Vietnam, get “wounded” three times as quickly—and lightly—as possible so he could then come home and begin his grand political career.

Wow, what a brilliant plan!  And since it worked so well for Kerry, you'd think that we'd have scads of aspiring political leaders volunteering for service in Iraq and getting themselves wounded multiple times, so they can position themselves for the White House in 30 years.  So, why aren't we seeing any Bush: the Next Generation spawn over there?

I have watched with great interest the recent foo-for-all about the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, and have been thrilled to see some men who aren’t afraid of the left or of the truth. What delicious fruit! They believed in the truth enough that they paid for it to come forth themselves

Well, didn't more than $100,00 of the group's initial funding of $158,00 come from Bob J. Perry, a longtime donor to Bush and other Texas Republicans?  And didn't $25,000 of the funds come from Harlan Crow, who was made a trustee for Daddy Bush's library, in consideration of his generous contributions?  In fact, the only SwiftVet who seemed to have actually believed in their truth enough to put up his own money ($25,000) seems to be  John E. O'Neill, whose book about Kerry is now the #1 non-fiction title on the NY Times Bestseller list, thanks to the advocacy group he was instrumental in forming.  So, I'd wash this fruit with lots of Lysol and water before biting in, Resa.    

—but then, they had to, because the media is controlled by the left. This commie control is the main reason we abandoned the cause of Vietnam. If you don’t believe me, just ask Walter Cronkite, who gleefully admitted in his autobiography to slanting the news because he wanted us out of there. So much for “the most trusted man in America” and his disgusting fruit.

And if it wasn't for Water Cronkite and the other commies who control the media, then we would still be in Vietnam, eating the delicious quagmire fruit produced in the region.

The Swift Boat fruit doesn’t support Kerry…Cronkite’s fruit does indeed support Kerry. Are we seeing a trend here? The viable, sweet, desirable fruit is the antithesis of Kerry fruit…that should tell us a great deal.

Homer Simpson voice: "Mmm, antithesis fruit!"

But there’s more. Kerry’s fruits also include the Vietnamese Communists, Kim Jong Il in North Korea, and the entire Muslim world who know that they can manipulate a man with no balls—who has already turned against his own men and own country once—far easier than a man of courage such as George W. Bush. People, these are ALL our enemies…ENEMIES! Our enemies are supporting Kerry! Doesn’t that scream of nasty fruit?

Kerry has no balls because as a young man he served in Vietnam, saved a comrade's life, was wounded three times, and then took an unpopular stand.  Bush is a man of courage because during the same time period he bravely got behind the wheel of an automobile while under the influence of alcohol (which kills way more people than died in Vietnam). 

Plus, many people, including our enemies ... you heard me, our ENEMIES!... don't want him to be President -- which must prove something. 

The Bitch Brigade of femmies has been stinkin’ up and dumbin’ down the joint for almost 40 years now—they support Kerry. Even France supports Kerry more than Bush…THERE’S an indicator for you! Yes, fruit most foul from a man most vile.

Resa is against anything which feminists and the French are for -- such as literacy for women. 

Now let’s look at the fruits of Pres. Bush.

He has the support of our friend and ally, Israel, chosen not only by America, but by God. (Good choice, America.)

Therefore, Bush has the support of God.  And God INVENTED fruit.

He has the support of the Americans who believe that their income belongs to them, and not to Congress for their alcohol and prostitute bills.

And he has the support of many Republican Congressmen who will use their tax cuts to pay for alcohol and prostitutes.

I’ve picked my fruit, and it is the sweet fruit of Bush.

Um, that sounds too risque to touch. 

Doug

So, let's head over to Townhall and check out Doug's latest column, which is about how the "RNC TNT Clobbers Kerry."

The Democrats are recoiling from the Republican National Convention more than Michael Moore does when faced with health food, sit-ups, shaving cream and Christopher Hitchens. 

Did Seb come up with that metaphor, or was it Doug?  Well, since all sensible people recoil from Christopher Hitchens (especially after he's been boozing all night), I think you can safely conclude that this is an authentic Dougism.

It’s got to be painful to back someone who lacks so much of … well … so much, like John Flipper Kerry does.  Face it.  If he didn’t have his wife’s late husband’s money to prop up his feckless political career or Doug Brinkley’s plastic surgical biographical skills to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, he would be working at a Border’s bookstore, hosting their “Americans’ for Socialism” poetry read during Tuesday’s Open Mike Night.

Or, he'd have been employed as a Senator, like he was before he married Teresa Heinz.  However, this made me wonder what Doug would be doing if he had continued his life of crime instead of finding Jesus.  My guess: he'd be a petty drug dealer/unsuccesful pimp, and a colorful snitch for the local police -- like Huggy Bear.  But his nickname would be Huggies Bear.

You know Kerry’s cabal has got that sick, sinking feeling watching Arnold Schwarzenegger. 

Yeah, that's most people's reaction to Batman and Robin, and Jingle All the Way.

The Democrats -- so proud of their anything but middle-America Hollyweird crowd and their jaded, stupefied endorsements -- must have wanted to hurl their vegan lunch when Arnold took the stage and verbally gut-punched their liberal pundits to the mat.  Arnold was on fire, informative, and infectious. 

But penicillin can clear that right up.

Then we have First Lady Laura Bush.  [...] Part of George W. Bush’s greatness lies next to him in bed every night in the form of the haven’t-seen-a- woman-like-this in a long time, classy Laura Bush.

Part of George W. Bush's greatness may have demanded seperate beds long ago, for all we know.  And while I have nothing against Laura, per se, I have to say that if you haven't seen a woman like her in a long time, you've been in prison, or trapped in a mine or something.

You know Senator Zell Miller must have made the Democrats long for a carload of Miller Lite with his speech.

Zell Miller's speech made listeners everywhere wish Zell hadn't drank a carload of Miller Lite before he reported to the convention center.

My ClashPoint is this: Unlike Kerry during the DNC, Bush at the RNC clearly laid out his vision for us both domestically and militarily while Cheney humorously gave Kerry’s vacillating Senatorial voting record a swift kick to the shins.

It's true that Cheney didn't speak at the Democratic convention.  And while Bush did lay out his vision, he didn't explain how he expected to accomplish things like making the tax cuts permanent while also providing health care and insurance for everyone.  So, I guess unlike Kerry, Bush's vision for us includes magic fairies.

Well, kids, Bush’s double-digit lead in the polls boils down to the fact

. . . that you can make "seven" a double-digit by using base five?

that in the midst of our social and fiscal differences, we understand something that the left doesn’t seem to get: we are at war with an implacable enemy who has nothing to negotiate, who hates us and who wants us dead. 

So, you're saying that Bush has a double-digit seven point lead in the polls because he alone understands that terrorists want us dead.  Okay.

Therefore, first things first: we are focused on stopping those people -- the terrorists --  on their turf,

 . . .which used to be Afghanistan, is now Iraq, but can be anywhere the President says it is. 

and crippling nations that support them in wanting to kill us and all freedom loving people. 

We do this, because with them still around we cannot continue this great American experiment and export freedom to other countries. 

Yes, if only people would stop hating us, we could continue the great American experiment of exporting our way of life to other countries, whether they want it or not.

And it is here, at this aggressive militaristic point, where the resolute George W. Bush makes the questionable John Forbes Kerry look positively scary.

Doug, did you ever stop to think that maybe it's the aggressive militaristic point that's making things look scary?

Will Doug and Resa Get Togther?

To evaluate their romantic potential, I went to The Love Fortune Teller, and answered the questions as I thought Resa would.  This is what the oracle told me:

Resa, here's your love fortune result!

1. You are deeply in love with, or soon will be with Doug.

2. You are a very alert person and your life is full of love.

3. Resa, you usually have a fun time in life and your love life is about to start booming.

4. You will have a good year in love, and your current life will soon take a turn for the better.

5. You like parties and you are usually hyper.

6. Laura Bush is one of your best friends.

7. It will take you 7 days to get together with Doug.

8. You like parties and you are usually hyper.

9. You are wild person and you love to make out.

10. Your wish: "To marry Doug" will only come true if you really believe in it!

So there you have it.  You can't argue with science.  In seven days, expect to read a column from Resa LaRue Kirkland Giles, a woman who likes parties, is usually hyper, and who loves to make out.

5:20:12 AM