The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

August 4, 2004 by s.z.


Townhall Review


Maybe it's because I'm still not up to snuff, but most of the Townhallers seem less interesting than usual today.  But here is a representative sampling anyway:


Cynicism about Homeland Security warnings is the terrorists best weapon.  Jokes about the color alert code are probably their second best weapon.  "The Daily Show" is probably third.  Why does everybody but Kathleen, George Bush, and Tom Ridge hate America?
What is nearly as frightening as terrorist chatter is the degree of cynicism that makes the war on terror political.
As we count down the weeks to the November election, each political party attacking the other, the terrorist sets his clock by eternity, patiently biding time for his window, which some seem willing to leave open.
In the arsenal of terror, surely the cheapest and most effective weapon is our own self-defeating cynicism.
If you don't have a good attitude about your leaders, the terrorists win.


Michelle has written a new book* which explains why interning the Japanese was such a great idea (I'm guessing it also advocates internment camps in present-day America for Arabs, foreigners, and people of color). 

However, her column is about why she won't be attending the "UNITY: Journalists of Color, Inc." convention this week.  (Because at the last one, the other journalists "groaned, snickered, and rolled their eyes" when Michelle told them they all sucked.) 

Therefore, Michelle is having her own convention.  If you pass her test, you can attend it.
So, alas, I won't be joining UNITY's illusion of inclusion this year. No hard feelings. But I am hoping that some venturesome journalist will pass along my Media Diversity Test to the multicultural masses at UNITY. Test-takers get five points for every statement they mark "YES."
1. I have never voted for a Democrat in my life.
2. I think my taxes are too high.
3. I supported Bill Clinton's impeachment.
4. I voted for President Bush in 2000.
5. I am a gun owner.
6. I support school voucher programs.
7. I oppose condom distribution in public schools.
8. I oppose bilingual education.
9. I oppose gay marriage.
10. I want Social Security privatized.
11. I believe racial profiling at airports is common sense.
12. I shop at Wal-Mart.
 ... 20. I don't believe The New York Times.
Personally, I'm sure a large number of my culturally and ideologically diverse readers would earn a perfect score, as I did.
Personally, I believe that anybody who gets a perfect score on Michelle's test should be put in some kind of a camp.  But did Michelle really get one?  Okay, we know that she shopped at Wal-Mart that day when she was ragging on the minimum-wage help at various low-rent establishments for not being properly submissive to native-born American bitches, but I'm not going to let her have full credit for that question unless she has WORKED at Wal-Mart. 

*Thanks to Jim for alerting us to Michelle's book.  We'll review it in a day or two.  You know, after we think of enough snarky things to say about the publisher's description and the cover.


Bob Barr also has a new book out.  It's about his heroic battle to prove a President got a hummer from a woman not his wife.  Gary recommends it highly.
When I first approached Congressman Barr and others with information about national security being damaged by Bill Clinton, Barr was an attentive listener.  Barr’s interest in hearing what I had to say had nothing to do with suspicions about Clinton’s abhorrent sex-life but everything to do with Clinton’s abuse of power and the damage he was doing to our national security.  Slowly, a plan to impeach Clinton was developed, in large part thanks to Barr’s efforts. 
So really, it was all Gary's idea to impeach Clinton!  Oh, and it wasn't about sex, it was about how Clinton was damaging national security by letting his staff wear jeans.
While the nation’s media was obsessed with Clinton’s sex life, Congressman Barr remained steadfast in his quest to hold Clinton accountable for the damage done to our national defense.  He knew what else Clinton had done, and it was much worse!
Because Bob thinks a man's private sex life has nothing to do with his fitness for public office.  Otherwise, we would we have to review his own tale of adultery and abortion, and that just wouldn't be seemly.
The 9/11 Commission Report makes a point that one reason we were attacked so easily by Al Qaeda in 2001 was because the nation lacked leaders with imagination.  The commission had it half right.  We have such leaders.  Bob Barr and his fellow House Managers not only had the imagination, they also had the goods on Bill Clinton, and, more importantly, they possessed the political courage to bring Clinton to justice.
That's what we need to combat Qaeda: men with the imagination to see a sex scandal in every intern.
There should be monuments to these men and their courage. If we were a nation who really embraced a vision for a better government as our founders’ intended, those monuments would be in place, and well visited.
What a great idea!  Submit your ideas here for what such a memorial would be like.  Maybe we can get the Heritage Foundation to commission it.


Walter is glad to be a Republican, where they treat blacks with honest prejudice and hostility instead of patronizing help with issues of concern.
If there is one general characteristic of white liberals, it's their condescending and demeaning attitude toward blacks.

[...]
On July 23, President Bush gave a speech to the National Urban League. Unlike so many other white politicians speaking before predominantly black audiences, Bush didn't bother to pander and supplicate. He spoke of educational accountability and school choice and condemned high taxes, increased regulation and predatory lawsuits. He defended the institution of marriage.
He gave them the standard stump speech, thus proving he respected them enough not to try to learn another speech.


Nobody at Townhall has discussed  Hillary Clinton and her overweening evil for a couple of hours, so Matt jumps right in.
I am continually amazed by the number of knowledgeable conservatives who underestimate Sen. Hillary Clinton's popularity. I'm equally surprised that the general public can't see through her obsessive desire to capture the White House -- and therefore her unacknowledged but likely wish to see Sen. John Kerry and Sen. John Edwards lose in November.
So, how is Matt able to Hillary's obsessive desire to capture the White House (by an armed coup, if necessary, but preferably by subtle assinations and alien mind control techniques), when the general public misses it?  Apparently he's the Lamont Cranston of pundits, that's how. 


While TBogg has already brilliantly analyzed Dennis's column, let's see if we can learn anything new from it:
Liberals and Democrats are not comfortable with adult-child distinctions. They therefore frequently treat and regard children as adults and frequently treat and regard adults as children.
That is why liberals do not generally want children to call adults "Mr." or "Mrs."  Such titles render adults distinct from children.
I bet you didn't know that!  Yup, liberals generally want to treat children as people, while conservatives keep kiddies in their place.  That's why conservatives are so great!

But Dennis isn't really calling for legislation mandating that children under 18 have to call their elders and betters "sir" and ma'am" (at least, he's not pushing it this week).  No, he's just mad as a wet hen that the Democrats let a 12-year-old girl disapprove of Dick Cheney's language at their convention.
Of course, this girl has accomplished nothing compared to Dick Cheney 
Yeah!  Until she becomes Vice President, she has no right to criticize Mr. Cheney.   

But just to be fair, maybe we should compare their accomplishments:

                                                        Girl           Cheney
Served in Viet Nam                            No               No
Promoted false al Qaeda/Iraq ties        No              Yes
Taken in by Chalabi                            No              Yes
Seems likable                                    Yes              No
Conflicts of interest re Halliburton       No              Yes

So, maybe Bush should consider replacing Cheney with this 12-year-old girl.
                               
Bonus Pundit:

As I lay dying (not just a Faulkner novel anymore!), I missed Sunday's installment of Doug Giles.  So, let's give him a brief recap now:

This week Doug presents reasons 7-10 why the other pastors aren't using their pulpits to impersonate Dennis Miller.
7.  Paltry pietism and the separation from the world mentality.
They don't believe that they're any more qualified to tell their congregation how to vote than Karl Rove is to tell people how to get to heaven.  But thinking that way just enables Hitler.
The German Church’s abnegation of its political role afforded Hitler a primrose path to tool down. Think about that, pastor, the next time you prattle off “the politics don’t matter” blather.
Yup, if you don't denounce Kerry now, you'll kick yourself when he annexes Austria and invades Poland.
8. The Thought Police have Tali-banned us.
And Doug says that he is NOT a terrorist, no matter what it says in his FBI file.
Look, for all you scared secularists who believe Christians are no different than the Taliban, let me allay some of your fears. Christians, unlike the Taliban:
  • Do not seek to prohibit every form of pleasure.
A glass of cool water, a game of Uno, and a quick admiring glance at the sunrise are all okay with Doug.
  • Do not reprimand, by whipping or death, people who have had sex out of wedlock.
I bet Doug really envies the Taliban re this one.
  • Do not fund our evangelistic expansion by being the biggest smack dealers on the planet.
While Doug is a former drug dealer, he wasn't nearly as successful at it as the Taliban.
  • Do not hijack airliners and stick them into skyscrapers filled with innocent civilians.
I admit that I have no evidence that Doug has ever done this.
Ministers, please blow off the tongue wagging blowhards who try to intimidate you into silence by making quantum ludicrous scat laden analogous leaps in equating the implementation of a Biblical worldview with the Taliban’s cross-eyed perspective.
Um, whatever you say, Doug.
9. Mothering the Minute.
The damn people in the congregation keep wanting comfort and spiritual guidance from the pastor, making it impossible for him to spend several hours a day reading Mark Steyn and Ann Coulter.
In the unending, need-driven narcissistic American church, pastors work overtime for spiritually overweight parishioners regarding issues that ultimately are inconsequential. This is both the fault of the ministers (messiah complex) and fault of the congregants (me-monkey syndrome), and both have got to have an exorcism or something … if the church is going to tackle pressing cultural issues.
Here are a few tips for the congregation to help avoid the frying of their pastors’ brains and actually assist him in laboring for a better tomorrow within our nation.
  • Do not call him every day to discuss your dorky problems. We all have problems. Suck it up.
  •  Be self-motivated. You shouldn’t need a cheerleader to rouse you in the morning. If you do, then get some Tony Robbins tapes.
  • Lose you codependency upon your pastor and other church leaders. Grow up, Dinky.
    Staff or volunteer to your pastor’s weaknesses.
  • Don’t force him to do or be at everything that goes on in the church.
  • Send him, once a year, on the church’s dime, to D.C., a serious worldview conference, and on a month’s paid vacation.
  • Stock his library with the history of the Jews, of Rome, of Greece, and of Western Civilization.
  • Make sure he is able to study four hours a day and exercise one hour a day.
    Do not call him after 9 pm unless one of your relatives or friends happens to have passed away.

Wow, once you take away all that helping people crap, being a pastor sounds like a great job.  Where do I sign up?
10. It’ll cost them Money.
The creepy thing about a lot of ministers is their unwillingness to give political offense when offense is needed, simply because taking a biblical stand on a political issue might cost them their time share in Aspen and their Chrysler Mini-Van.  Never fear, pastor.
. . . Even though nailing your colors to the mast during putrid political times might cost you a parishioner or two … don’t sweat it. There are also tens of thousands of serious parishioners who are looking for leaders with the ‘nads to lead the church to make its proper stance during days of declension.
Yes, Doug goes out of his way to offend people, and he still has his mini-van and his time share.  Of course, he probably isn't funded just by his congregation, but still, nobody can deny he has 'nads!
Now. for the ClashPoint we've been waiting three weeks for:
My ClashPoint is this: If Christian ministers would [do points 1-10] then maybe ... just maybe … we will see their influence cause our nation to take a righteous turn away from the secularists’ putrid path.
Or maybe  ... just maybe ... we'd see people abandoning Christianity in droves for some religion where the spiritual leader ministered to their spirits instead of spending all his time working for the Republicans and going on congregation-funded vacations.  I guess it's something we'll never really have an answer to.  But one thing we do know: Doug sure likes the word "putrid." 

UPDATE:    Pete has also covered our man Doug over at The Dark Window, and is typical in these kinds of things, he found many interesting points that I missed (such as Doug's concerrns about the size of his manhood).  I suggest you check it out -- however, you should ignore all of his ill-informed speculation about me contracting mono from Amber.  You know how men like to imagine kinky lesbian antics everytime a woman spends a couple of days in her pajamas ...

7:37:38 AM

No comments:

Post a Comment