July 25, 2004 by s.z.

Helping Pastors Be More Like Hannity and Less Like Jesus For our sermon today we bring you Doug Giles, who will be speaking on Pastors, Priests, and Politics – Part II.  It's part of Doug's ongoing effort to explain why all the other pastors aren't Doug Giles. Why do ministers run from political issues like Bill Clinton scrams from Hillary when she’s in one of her… “moods”? And why does Doug disappear to the basement with his copy of "Big, Brawny Oiled-Up Hunks" whenever Mrs. Doug indicates it's time for "marital relations"?  Hey, some things are best kept between the marriage partners. Here are three more motives why, according to my experience, ministers do not step up to the political plate and take a serious swing at righting our societal wrongs. In an effort to save time, I've condensed Doug's three motives (but I did  try to retain his glorious metaphors, alliteration, and pop culture refs, as well as some of his goofier points). Reason #4 -- Rapture-itis These defeatists believe ... Jehovah is about to run the credits on this failed earth flick. ... Even a new Britney Spears video -- is “proof” that God is getting really – really --  ticked off and His only recourse is to have Christ physically return and kick some major butt.  ...  Attempting to right culture is, in their eyes, equivalent to polishing brass on a sinking ship. Reason #5 -- Sloths and Manatees Bit Them  ... all the fervor of a guy who’s forced to French kiss his sister. ... Ask yourself, Pastor Grim Carnage ... if you spew messages that consciously or unconsciously convey “big anti-Christ and little Jesus Christ” … then you have effectively zapped what’s left of your parishioners’ passion.  ... Christians tanked up on way too many tawdry “end of the world” movies have become socially slothful ...  Hopelessness and its spawn, sloth, are main reasons why Christians manifest all the energy of a manatee munchin’ Quaaludes trying to swim upstream in warm goo.  The church’s current malaise is a manifestation ...   Reason #6 -- I Scared Them By Reminding Them They Could Lose Their Tax Exempt Status Many pastors, priests and parishioners have been cowed into inactivity by the supposed loss of their tax exempt status if they say anything remotely political.   This can make folks who don’t or won’t get good legal advice as politically active as Howard Hughes during the flu season ... but it needn’t.    First of all, there’s no need to have an IRS 501[c][3] tax exempt charitable status to assemble and be a proper church.  The church has been around a little bit longer than the 501[c][3] statute, right?  We are afforded the right to assemble, by God and by the Constitution.  Not having the tax exempt status simply means you’ll have to pay taxes at Costco when you buy hot dogs for the church picnic. Um, I'd recommend that "those who don't or won't get good legal advice" also don't or won't follow Doug's advice.  Because I'm pretty sure that if you lose your tax exempt charitable status, not only do you have to pay sales tax on your weenies, but DONATIONS TO YOUR ORGANIZATION CAN NO LONGER BE USED AS TAX WRITE-OFFS.  So, Doug, do you think that this might cause some of the flock (and whatever conservative foundations might also be underwriting your "ministry") to take their donations elsewhere?  Does this concern you?  If not, good.  If yes, then maybe you should stop watching those gladiator movies and read up on the tax code.  ... we are called to obey God rather than men, and God has called his leaders to be involved in civic affairs, and to represent Christ and his word in all areas of society.  And that entails expounding the biblical worldview all the time, including election time.  Sometimes you have to rebel against unrighteous, limiting laws.  I agree.  And if God really did tell you to preach to your congregation that they should vote for George Bush or they will go to hell, then by all means expound on that view from the pulpit.  And then be a man about accepting the loss of revenue such forthrightness entails, and go out and get a job. Now, remember pastor, you don’t have to don your James Dean rebel duds to discuss political subjects from the pulpit.  ... The only things that a 501[c][3] organization may not do are [1] endorse or oppose a particular candidate or piece of legislation, and [2] contribute to or raise money to support a candidate or legislation [including free use of the church mailing list]. Hey, what politican would ever sink so low as to request church mailing lists for political purposes? But anyway, the rest of "Reason 6" seems to be that someone called by God should ignore man's law and proclaim boldly what he has been called to say, but hey, here are some tips on how to get around man's law.  The church may, among other things, register their members to vote, pass out voter guides, invite all candidates in a race to speak [and it’s okay if not all of them -- even if only one -- show up] and speak directly about specific issues.      So, what you do is invite all the candidates to speak at your church, but you ask your two-year-old (whose new hobby is flushing things down the toilet) to mail the invitations to the Democratic candidates for you.  That should be perfectly legal. Off the clock, in his personal capacity, the pastor or priest can endorse and support – or oppose -- whoever or whatever he wishes, like any other citizen. So, just forget to clock in before you give that sermon entitled, "God Said To Vote For George Bush Or He'll Let Terrorists To Kill Your Dog." We’ll wrap up the final four causes for pastors being politically pusillanimous, in next week’s column. Rats, no ClashPoint again this week.  So, here's mine: God expects pastors to be more like Dennis Miller (the conservative version) and less like Kirk Cameron, or instead of going to he-man heaven, they'll end up in Precious Moments purgatory. 5:47:45 AM

A Cartoon for the Sabbath This week's "Hal Lindsey Oracle Cartoon," Prophecy Fulfilled?, is Rule's tribute to B sci-fi movies of the '50s.  It features a beleaguered giant (presumably Glenn Manning, the Amazing Colossal Man, in his later years) wearing a suit and tie.  He has been trapped inside a kidney-shaped concrete stadium, and the military has him cornered.  There are planes overhead, tanks at the ready; missiles featuring the cheery Lucky Charms insignia (except it's supposed to be YELLOW moons and GREEN clovers) are aimed at Glenn's chest. But wait -- a beat-up red pickup with a "PA" tag and "EXPLOSIVES"banners is parked next to Glenn's prison!  It appears that Glenn's fiancee is trying to free him (I think she was from Pennsylvania).  However, the military wasn't fooled by her banners, quickly realizing that the boxes inside the pickup are just empty shoe boxes.  A tank has blocked her truck's path, and its driver uses a megaphone to shout, "Hey, Sharon!  It's okay--we're the UN."  (Glenn's fiancee's name was Carol in the first movie, but since this appears to be one of the sequels, possibly The Amazing Colossal Man Goes to Monte Carlo, they've presumably changed her name to Sharon.)  Sharon is lying on the floor of the truck's cab, hoping that this will fool the UN into thinking she's abandoned the vehicle and has gone to Mexico to look for Glenn.  But, just like in the original, Sharon will bow to the inevitable and dump Glenn for the handsome tank officer, who isn't a cranky giant, and who isn't really old.  Oh, and Bert I. Gordon, master of movie gimmicks, has produced a different print for each region in an effort to make viewers believe that the movie took place in their locale.  Thus, in this version of the film, Glenn is holding an Israeli flag with a banner reading "Jerosalem" above it.  But Bert blew it by failing to use a proofreader, much like Larry Buchanan did with "Attack of the The Eye Creatures." Moral: As John Rule notes, the moral of today's cartoon comes from Zechariah 12:3 -- "What kind of sin could a man commit in a single lifetime to bring this upon himself?" Well, that's what it means to me.  You may have a different view. 4:26:27 AM