July 26, 2004 by s.z.

Family Circus Airline Today's Cartoon  (See it here): The Circus family is still vacationing at the Grand Canyon (well, at least two of them are -- Bill O'Reilly probably had everybody else whacked for disturbing his camp-out with his paid friends). Today, Billy, who is wearing a "Grand Canyon" T-shirt and standing about a foot from the edge of the cliff, is attempting to throw a paper airplane into the canyon.  However, his effort is foiled by a stern Mommy.  "Why not?" Billy asks Mommy. Analysis: Billy is Dubya.  He wants to drill for oil in our national parks and sell the Grand Canyon to developers who would build luxury condos and private airports in it.  The only thing stopping him is Mommy (the responsible adults of America, from both parties). Bush and his associates have turned this culture from one where it used to be said, if it feels good, do it, and if you have a problem, blame someone else, to one that says, "Why the hell not?" and "Go f--- yourself."  That's why he's the Values/War President. Prediction: Next week Bush will announce "No Child Left Behind Except Those Who Deserve It," a new education plan where kids who can't bring up their reading and math test scores will be pushed off cliffs. Okay, my predicting skills are a little weak after reading all those wingnuts. So let's see what Pete and Alison had to say about this cartoon. First, here's Pete with a prediction which Hal Lindsey would envy: Tomorrow's Family Circus cartoon  is terrifying in its implications. Keane once again shows us that he predicted World o'Craps headlines years ago with this obvious reference to Annie Jacobson and her terroristic flight of doom! Analysis: Yosef is playing with a paper airplane on the lip of the Grand Canyon. A furious S.Z. leans down and appears ready to slice his neck with her razor-sharp fingers. As she does this, she hisses the words "Why not?" at her playful son. In other words, she's decided there's no good reason not to kill him for his actions. His last act upon this earth is to look up at her with dawning horror on his innocent little face. What, exactly, did he do to drive S.Z. to murder? Well, his paper airplane certainly represents Annie Jacobson's Trial Run for Terror! In other words, Yosef has been contemplating the dangers of Syrian musicians and McDonald's bags on flights. S.Z., having other motives, wants to shut down any rational discussion of what really transpired on that fateful flight. Prediction: Bil Keane is telling us that we'll all soon learn S.Z.'s true identity. That's right, she's really Susan Zapata - a secret spokesperson for the Syrian Musician's Union of Detroit, Michigan and the McDonald's Corporation of Oak Brook, Illinois. A US Senate Commission will find that rather than terrorism on her flight, Annie caught a glimpse of the latest McDonald's marketing test-run. They'd secretly hired a band of Syrian musicians to play their new theme song (McDonald's Makes You Soar Like A Plane) and eat their food to test out the new marketing plans. Because Susan so masterfully kept their secret from coming out before their competitors could follow suit, McDonald's will reward her by putting each day's World o'Crap blog entries on their disposable tray liners. Millions of Americans will flock to McDonald's to eat Big Macs and make fun of Doug Giles, leading to a wave of obesity and heart-related illness unlike any this nation has ever seen. Only at this point will we learn that Susan is also a secret shill for an H.M.O. consortium. Pete M. Now here's Alison, with something just as dark, but not as wordy:   With no other characters in the frame, it looks like it's down to just Mommy/electorate and George the Menace. Despite the cracks opening up in the ground underneath him, Crusader Bunnypants wants to launch another looks-good-on-paper-airplane strike against some desert country or another. He doesn't much care which one and isn't even looking where he is aiming. He's wearing a t-shirt that says "Grand Canyon", which is short for "Grand Dragon, KKK" and "Steve Canyon", a handy conflation of both his racist xenophobia and cold-war warrior inclinations. Mommy/electorate is angrily holding up four fingers to represent the four reasons why she won't let his little plan(e) fly : 1)He's evil. 2)He's insane. 3)He's incompetent 4)He's out. Alison    So, where does truth lie?  Hey, it's your call.  Rock the comments. 8:47:34 AM

Carnival of the Wingnuts Bringing you the freshest, juciest, most wingy of nuts for over 4 weeks now. 1.  We start today with old friend Paula Devlin, who has passed the borders of "amusingly deluded" and entered "hey, you're scaring me" territory.  This week's column is about that Catholic conference's declaration that anti-Zionism is a form of anti-Semitism -- per Paula, it's all part of the New World Order plan to usher in the reign of the antichrist.  (And you thought that was just the plot of a Steven Segal made-for-Cinemax movie.) Something ominous is lurking behind this deception. First, it plays on the essential good will of the goyim. [...] Second, it is a necessary step in the march towards having the New World Order controlled by Zionism. The Catholic Church had to buy into their agenda. True to prophecy, Rome is ushering in the spirit of the antichrist. It is implementing the formation of the One World Religion. This document makes all religions inferior to Zionism and everyone inferior to Jews. If this were not so, would not the churches be seeking to reduce all hatred, not just that reserved for one group? As the New World Order continues to impose its hideous agenda, those who oppose it will eventually be prosecuted as anti-semitic. The perfidiousness of having the UN approve anti-Semitism as a crime and then to have the churches equate anti-Zionism with anti-Semitism is unacceptable. This should come as no surprise. Those who hold the Babylonian Talmud in higher esteem than Sacred Scripture believe that they are not only God’s chosen, but the master race. They believe that the world was promised as their footstool. They consider non-Jews as beasts on an intellectual plane with cattle; that we are so stupid that we cannot see through this deception. Third, this agreement established legal precedent for the persecution of those who will not worship the antichrist. The first step in this sequence was to get the Vatican to say that Jesus Christ was not the Jews’ Messiah; they are still waiting for him. In this statement, the Vatican put us on notice that the Great Apostasy (2 Thess 2:3) is here. So, the Jews think they are the master race, the Catholics have sold out to the Jews, and once we are under the yoke of the New World Order we will all have to belong to the One World Religion (except for the Jews, I guess, because they think they're better than everybody else), and worship the antichrist.  Man, now I long for the days when Paula was just advocating implanting tracking devices in illegal aliens. 2.  Brian S. Wise is new to the Carnival (at least, I think he is -- the wingnuts are starting to all blur together).  He "was born and raised in South Bend, Indiana, and educated in its public schools (which explains why it took him nearly 21 full years to convert to Republicanism)."  I'm not sure if that's 21 full years after he completed his education, or if it means that Brian became a Republican when he got drunk on his 21st birthday and woke up with a dead stripper in his bed. In any case, his column excoriates stupid liberal celebrities like Linda Ronstadt, and then contrasts them with the salt-of-the-earth types who deface the posters of the performers with whom they disagree. Meanwhile, out here in farm country – it’s that large piece of American land occupying the distance between New York City and Los Angeles – there are a few hundred million people who, no matter what you think of them, make up their own minds when it comes to the issues of the day. These people primarily occupy large, magnificent cities like Las Vegas on the weekends, and not all of them walk through their daily lives believing the president of the United States is a war criminal, or refer to him as such. It was apparently without this knowledge that Linda Ronstadt took the stage at Aladdin’s last Saturday.  So, everything between LA and NYC is farm country, and presumably everybody who lives between the coasts is a farmer -- a farmer who goes to Vegas on the weekends to gamble, drink, and enjoy kinky sex.  No WONDER these decent Americans don't like hearing any criticism of the President. 3.  Our next wingnut is Boy Scout Hans Zeigler.  [Note: as the top of Han's column at Renew America states: Hans Zeiger has been selected as one of 10 finalists for a primetime speaking position at the Republican National Convention, scheduled for August 30 – September 2 in New York City. The selection was made by the RNC and MTV in an effort to represent youth on the convention podium. To determine who the speaker will be, MTV and the Republican National Convention are holding an online contest atwww.gopconvention.com/essaycontest where you can vote for one of the 10 finalists. Pete at The Dark Window has urged us to vote for Hans.  Seb from Sadly, No! is backing Hans' slutty opponent, Sheri.  Pete may or may not have then been seduced by this minx into changing his vote.  However, here's at Wo'C, we are standing behind Hans, because despite what Pete said, we don't think we'll see Hans kissing a man in front of everybody on HIS wedding day.] Anyway, Hans' column for this week is about how his generation (the post-Reagan "millennial generation") is lots better than yours, because it is having less sex and breathing less air.  Or something. But the advantage of this generation is that civilization is falling. That it is advantageous may sound strange, but it is an advantage nonetheless. It is becoming harder to breathe the air of our heritage and thus to drink the water of our hope, so in our desperation we are learning that men cannot survive without heritage and hope.   I think this shows why Wo'C is backing Hans as the MTV Young Republican of the Year. 4.  And here's another wingnut making his maiden appearance in the CotW.  His name is Curtis Dahlgren.  "Curtis is listed as a University of Wisconsin-Madison "alumnus" (loosely speaking, along with a few other drop-outs including John Muir, Charles Lindbergh, Frank Lloyd Wright and Dick Cheney)."  Yes, failing to graduate from UW/Madison seems to be his only claim to fame.  Curtis's column is entitled "When men were men, women were women, and the opposition was loyal," and it consists mainly of bits of Biblical verse and various definations copied from from Curtis's 1938 dictionary.  But here's an original bit: By the way, Microsoft Word doesn't even recognize whoredoms and wickedness as actual words! That just goes to show you that not all the "pollution" in America comes from Big Business; a lot of it comes from the pornographers and out of the mouths of our disloyal politicians. Excuse me, but a latter day Columbo, somewhere, ought to ask Senator Kerry this question: "If you had been on that highjacked airliner over Pennsylvania on 9/11, how would you have voted on resisting the terrorists?" Perhaps he would have flip-flopped, and there would no longer be a White House to run for! I can't figure out what point Curtis was trying to make here, so I will just note that MY Microsoft Word spelling checker recognizes wickedness as an actual word -- it also recognizes whore.  I don't know if this refutes Curtis's claim that Bill Gates is a pornographer, or proves it.  But I do find it interesting that Kerry is running for the job of White House, not the presidency.  Anyway, I think this column proves that Curtis, while not the hottest young conservative on the web (that would be our new friend Stanton Carlisle, whose piece about the donkeys of Germany is ranked as The Rant's second most popular for last week), is still someone to keep your eye on. 5.  We also want to welcome Lee Ellis to our pages.  Lee Ellis, a combat veteran of WW II, having fought in the South Pacific invasions, has been in radio, television, magazines and newspapers as a journalist, writer and narrator his whole career. He retired in 1989 as a vice president of both CBS and Gannett (USA Weekend/USA Today). He has been a life-long Republican, having worked with Ronald Reagan to help him become Governor of California. He is also a Board Member of the CV Congress of Republicans and Chairman of the Republican Truth Squad. Lee is also something of an old coot.  His column is about how the evil Bush haters had the unmitigated gall to make a documentary casting aspersions on the fairness and balance of Fox News, when Fox is the only thing staving off our country's slide into communism and/or terrorist rule. It is strange that no producer wonders why the public only receives socialistic and far left news from all the other media. I am sure, though, that bin Laden and company are delighted that Americans attack only Fox News. After all, it is to the Middle East advantage that negotiators or appeasers be elected as the new administration of America this November. They believe that a President Kerry will cater to the Socialists and Communists of the corrupt UN including President Chirac and his failing, fearful and fainthearted France.   And if bin Laden is delighted when Americans make fun of Bill O'Reilly, then documenting some of the times that Bill said "shut up!" to his guests is treason.  Obviously.  And since Kerry is bin Laden's (and Chirac's) candidate of choice, it's no wonder that the commies of the mainstream media want him to win -- because they're being bribed with Saudi oil and French camembert to support him! Listening to a panel discussion by Tina Brown on CNBC news the other night, I was amazed by the left-wing views being put forth. One man was upset that Fox News did not want to show, as Ted Koppel had, the number of Americans killed in Iraq. Well, why should they when they do not show the much greater number of Americans killed daily in Detroit, Chicago, New York, LA and San Francisco. More Americans are probably killed in these cities in one day than are killed in Iraq in one month!   And there are probably more Americans living in Detroit, Chicago, New York and San Francisco than there are Americans stationed in Iraq -- probably up to thirty times more!  (I could check on this, but it's too much work.) And so we have the Bush-Haters attacking our President and all that America stands for, not with facts, not with truths, but with the propaganda so well used by the Nazi regime. It worked in Germany in the 30s. Will it work as well in 2004 with today’s naïve voters who have been limited in their studies of genuine American history and our constitution? We will know on November 2. Yes, Fox News is "all that America stands for," and challenging this is just what the Nazis want you do to.  Okay, I think I can now see why CBS and Gannett forced Lee to retire. 6.  Our last wingnut for today is one of the best -- her name is Debbie Daniel.  Debbie Daniel is an advertising account executive in Central Texas. She is a native of Louisiana and graduated from Mississippi College in the field of Psychology and Religious Education. ... Debbie has presented vocal concerts and given her Christian testimony on many occasions throughout her career. She began writing columns for several community newspapers and select Internet websites three years ago. And to think it took us until now to discover her!  Her column this week is about how Whoopi Goldberg's remarks at the Kerry/Edwards fundraiser constitute mass murder. This woman's not had any class since she won our hearts in "Color Purple". But she's taken a butcher knife to each and every one of those adoring fans and ripped right through those hearts of devotion. And because Kerry and Edwards didn't knock Whoopi to the ground on the spot and have her taken out in shackles, then they are nothing better than pimps, and we just can't trust them to babysit our kids.  If you can't react better than that in a situation best described as vicious vulgarity, I'm not sure we can trust you with the minds and hearts of our children. Do you mean to tell me it took 24 hours for you to respond to such degradation? If that's the kind of immediate response you have to some of the most raffish and tawdry words ever spoken about a sitting president, then I don't know what you're talking about when you put down Mr. Bush's values. Am I missing something here? You want to talk about "No Child Left Behind?" Well, while you were laughing and giggling at adults who wanted to entertain you with their filth, I would consider the money you raised that night as "prostitute's pay." You just left thousands of parents in the dust with your blatant dismissal of unseemliness. And that's not to say what the children must have thought. I am certain they didn't hear your retraction 24 hours later, because it became such luscious verbiage to be spread through the neighborhoods of America. Believe it or not, our kids have their own network of communication. They can operate computers better than most and read what we're reading . . . and don't for a minute discount their ability to do so. Hey, how come no kids passed that luscious verbiage to me?  I mean, I read the papers, surf the web, and also have some preschool friends, and yet all I know about Whoopi's remarks are that they involved making a sexual play on Dick's and Bush's names.  Heck, I've heard stuff lots more luscious than that from our own Vice President himself!  But I do have to wonder if the "luscious verbiage" grew on Doug Giles' "luscious tree of America." Why, at six and seven, not only do children know what to call their parents or teachers when they don't hear "Yes" as the right answer, but they've learned a litany of adjectives and harsh four-letter words that should set these adults on a path of not ever saying "No" to that child again. We're not talking about teen-agers; we're talking about 1st and 2nd graders. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Mr. Values. Yup, if kids today are foul mouthed brats who sass their parents, it's all the fault of Goldberg, Kerry, and Edwards.  I guess Meghan Cox Gurdon really isn't to blame for being America's Worst Mother.  Won't somebodyplease think of the children and arrest Whoopi before she kills again? Anyway, that concludes our Carnival of the Wingnuts for this week.  Collect the whole set!  Trade them with your friends!  Sell them on eBay and make a fortune! 6:31:44 AM